Oh, the Joys of Jiggly Jugs and other Silly Stories

(this is not a Dr. Seuss book, just to clear that one up.)

On Tuesday night I was catching up with my hairdresser after not seeing her for a year and a half. The girl is adorable and hilarious and is the only one I trust in the world to bring me back to blonde (did I mention that? I’m going blonde again?).

Anyway, two minutes into our conversation we realized that we both had baby girls within the past few months. Craziness. After 2 hours of laughing about all the things people so conveniently forget to tell you about being a mom and breastfeeding, I left feeling like I finally found someone who got it. I also felt a need to share these things with all of you, since a few of you have mentioned the baby fever that has been attacking your uteri (no need to Google it… I already checked,  haha).

Things I Wish I Knew Three Months Ago

  • When your milk doesn’t come in right after your kid pops out, don’t freak. When it does come in, again, DON’T FREAK. They will be huge. They will be hard. They will hurt like a mofo. It gets easier after about 3 days.
  • Nip carnage will ensue. Keep a large stash of Lansinoh and slather that stuff on at least 300 times a day. You’ll want to keep those puppies in working order for those 10-12 feedings a day. MUAHAHAHAAAA YOU WILL HAVE NO TIME FOR ANYTHING ELSE BUT YOUR STARVING BARRACUDA BABY! CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP OWW.
  • When you are running late, sometimes you are forced to multitask. Examples include feeding your baby while endorsing paychecks, putting on eyeliner or eating pancakes, all of which provide a hilarious, yet disturbing visual for your husband. Note: Keep cameras hidden.
  • Do not assume the loud “REEE-OOOO, REEE-OOOO” of your breastpump will keep random people from barging in on you with your jubblies exposed. I’m telling you, pumping at work will be the death of me. I’m not kidding when I say I was walked in on 4 times my first week back because I don’t have a lock. Mortified? A little bit. Make a sign… a big one.
  • Get a great, massive, supportive bra. After each of those 10-12 feedings (muahaha…), your ladies are a slightly… less firm than usual, and a little thing I like to call The Bounce Factor comes into play. It draws attention (the awkward kind) if you don’t have them firmly strapped in.
  • Tell your husband ahead of time to be prepared to be a big boy and share for a few months. You know what I’m talking about.
  • Also prepare the men in your life for bottle feeding. I say ‘men’ because most women know this if they have gone through it. Be perfectly clear that under no circumstance is it acceptable to dump an ounce or two of perfectly good milk down the drain! My heart hurts as I am reliving those few times where Madeline didn’t drink the whole bottle, and the remaining milk was dumped. Fellow pumpers, you know how much work that one ounce was, right? That was like 10 minutes worth! Write it in permanent marker on the bottles if you have to.

Do you all have anything to add?  Have any warnings for me as my girl is nearing the 3 month mark?

22 thoughts on “Oh, the Joys of Jiggly Jugs and other Silly Stories

  1. Thanks for the insight! I am 4 months preggo and I WISH someone would have told me how my 34 Bs would change SO quickly. Good bye, lovely VS bras. Hello, whatever fits now!

    Please give some brand/style recommendations for me. Like, what exactly is good supportive bra? Review of ones you’ve liked and hated, please!!

    Thanks for the honest and clever writing style you employ!

  2. This post was freakin’ hilarious! And oh-so-true!

    I once told Brent after not getting Em to finish the entire bottle of milk, “Do you know how hard I work for that? It’s like liquid gold!” He doesn’t do that anymore.

  3. Insights:
    -Lansinoh nursing pads hold the most and work the best. You will need them. You will leak. And even a greenie like me recognizes that sometimes cloth just doesn’t cut it in the leakage department.
    -Nursing pads make your breasts look lumpy. Don’t wear shirts that are too tight because everyone will see your nursing pads.
    -You can’t eat like you did when you were pregnant just because you are now breastfeeding. The pounds will never go away if you do. So avoid the bucket of Costco cookie dough at all costs.
    -(this one we talked about)Babies make grown-up sized noises. Yep that monstrous toot you heard from across the room was not me and it wasn’t my husband (much as he would like to claim it). It was little Miss Stinky Pants.
    -Remember to pack extra clothes for you when going out with baby. Spit-up and blowouts happen even to the best of babies.
    -Pumping hurts.
    -You might want to keep your bra and nursing pads on during married people time, unless you don’t find milk leaking awkward and embarassing.

  4. well if your baby is born 5 weeks early like Levi was, and has to spend a lot of time in the NICU, then I would tell people how hard it is for little babies to have “nipple confusion.” Bottle nipples, breast nipples, and nipple sheilds are all so completely different. Also, no one told me about babies wanting to nurse for 45 minutes, sleep only for an hour and then want to nurse for another 45 minutes, and so on…until 48 hours have gone by and you’re so tired you don’t even know your husbands name.

  5. this post ALMOST made me die of laughter, i mean i was THISCLOSE LOL!!! omg, you callied he jubblies!!! you are the best. i love this oh so much. I totally almost wrote a post about things they dont tell you will happen when you’re preggo, giving birth and nursing but didn’t want to scare the jebbus out of people so i refrained. BUT THIS? i LOVE! oh and everybody all together now, HIIiiiii Tim!!!!! (eeek!)

  6. try Lily Pads, they’re expensive, $20.00, but they are rubber, and stick over your nipples and prevent leaks and you just rinse them off and can reapply them daily. They say they last for two months or so…

  7. WOW! I was cracking up! Thanks for sharing Morgan! I think I may just have to pass along your blog to all of the baby boomers (the new generation) I know. What great insight to what we have to look forward to :-)! Ha Ha!

  8. Lol…For some reason I had a mental picture of Milton from “Office Space”….I’ll burn this building down lol.

  9. 1) Get a door jam. Jam it on your side of the door. Equals instint “lock” — that’s what I do every time.

    2) Get breast pads. Washable ones. The paper ones SUCK and are scratchy.

  10. Oh… MY.. WORD!! Morgan, you crack me up! You are MUCH braver than me to post this, but new moms will appreciate your advice and former breastfeeders like me will LOL! Aaah, the memories! Congrats on making it almost 3 months, especially as a working mom who has to pump.

  11. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. I’m scared Morgan! Why are you trying to scare me from having a kid one day?! I’m already scared! haha I gotta give you mad props for keeping it real though! ;)

  12. Thought of a few more:

    -Your hair will fall out like crazy in the months following birth even if you keep taking your prenatal vitamins.
    -Everyone — complete strangers, other parents, people without kids, family members, friends, etc — will think that it is open season on your parenting style and will not hesistate to give you advice or criticism.

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