If you’re a normal person, you came to the realization long ago that your parents told you things that weren’t necessarily the whole truth when you were a kid. You know, like if you eat your spinach, you’ll grow big and strong… well, duh. No one has the biceps of Popeye.
We’ll save that for another time. ANYWAY.
If you’re like me, you live in a happy fun world of cute michelin babies, rainbow chip cupcakes and 4″ inch platform heels, and don’t realize until you’re almost 24 years old that you’ve been LIED. TO. FOR. YEARS. I’m not all that upset about it, surprisingly. I’m usually quite the grudge holder, but I’ll give my mom a free pass on this one because she was really creative and genius with some of the things she told me. I’m actually very impressed.
“When you lie to me, your eyes change color.”
The result? I never looked her in the eye when I was lying. Simple and effective.
“Don’t come in our room for a while. We’re talking about your Christmas presents.”
It was quite the traumatic experience for my brother and I when we realized all the times mom and dad closed their bedroom door and were “talking about Christmas”, they were really just doin’ it.
Really, we should have known something was up. Who talks about Christmas presents in March? We were bright kids, obv.
“Disgusting food is magical.”
It was a well known fact that I was crazy about the Peter Pan movie when I was little. Naturally, Mom found a way to work that into getting me to do something I didn’t want to do. “Eat your corn and you’ll be beautiful like Tiger Lily!” I ate corn every chance I could, and you know what? I still looked a hot mess:
Another one was, “Beans will make you jump really high!” I’ll let you figure out how that one went down.
- Changing the lyrics to Greased Lightning to make them more kid friendly (hard to do, people, but she did it and it was believable). I still sing them wrong to this day.
- Justin’s parents told him and his 3 sisters that artichoke hearts had alcohol in them and that they couldn’t eat them until they were 21. This is brilliant for a few reasons.
- The kids did all the hard, boring work and peeled all the spiny things off, leaving a perfectly edible center.
- His parents got a total of three hearts each. Pro.
Before sitting down to write this, I called my mom to ask her permission to share some of these. Here’s how the convo went down.
Me: Hey, remember how you used to tell me if I ate my corn I’d be beautiful like Tiger Lily?
Mom: Yes, you loved Tiger Lily.
Me: LIAR. Can I use that on my blog, please?
Mom: Thanks for asking, yes you may.
Me: Oh, and can you think of any other tidbits of betrayal I can throw in there? Like, did you ever believe anything Grammy and Pa said that wasn’t exactly true?
Mom: (without missing a beat) “No. My parents never lied to me.”