Your Parents are Liars.

Jan
07th
2010

If you’re a normal person, you came to the realization long ago that your parents told you things that weren’t necessarily the whole truth when you were a kid.  You know, like if you eat your spinach, you’ll grow big and strong… well, duh. No one has the biceps of Popeye.

Well, except…

Jacob-New-Moon

We’ll save that for another time. ANYWAY.

If you’re like me, you live in a happy fun world of cute michelin babies, rainbow chip cupcakes and 4″ inch platform heels, and don’t realize until you’re almost 24 years old that you’ve been LIED. TO. FOR. YEARS. I’m not all that upset about it, surprisingly. I’m usually quite the grudge holder, but I’ll give my mom a free pass on this one because she was really creative and genius with some of the things she told me. I’m actually very impressed.

“When you lie to me, your eyes change color.”

The result? I never looked her in the eye when I was lying. Simple and effective.

“Don’t come in our room for a while. We’re talking about your Christmas presents.”

It was quite the traumatic experience for my brother and I when we realized all the times mom and dad closed their bedroom door and were “talking about Christmas”, they were really just doin’ it.

Really, we should have known something was up. Who talks about Christmas presents in March? We were bright kids, obv.

“Disgusting food is magical.”

It was a well known fact that I was crazy about the Peter Pan movie when I was little. Naturally, Mom found a way to work that into getting me to do something I didn’t want to do. “Eat your corn and you’ll be beautiful like Tiger Lily!” I ate corn every chance I could, and you know what? I still looked a hot mess:

little mo big head

Another one was, “Beans will make you jump really high!” I’ll let you figure out how that one went down.

Honorable mentions:

  • Changing the lyrics to Greased Lightning to make them more kid friendly (hard to do, people, but she did it and it was believable). I still sing them wrong to this day.
  • Justin’s parents told him and his 3 sisters that artichoke hearts had alcohol in them and that they couldn’t eat them until they were 21. This is brilliant for a few reasons.
  1. The kids did all the hard, boring work and peeled all the spiny things off, leaving a perfectly edible center.
  2. His parents got a total of three hearts each. Pro.

Before sitting down to write this, I called my mom to ask her permission to share some of these. Here’s how the convo went down.

Me: Hey, remember how you used to tell me if I ate my corn I’d be beautiful like Tiger Lily?

Mom: Yes, you loved Tiger Lily.

Me: LIAR. Can I use that on my blog, please?

Mom: Thanks for asking, yes you may.

Me: Oh, and can you think of any other tidbits of betrayal I can throw in there? Like, did you ever believe anything Grammy and Pa said that wasn’t exactly true?

Mom: (without missing a beat) “No. My parents never lied to me.”

23 Comments Thus Far

  1. My parents, my dad really, just said, “I don’t care if the house is on fire, do not touch our bedroom door.”

  2. It was all for your own good. :)

  3. Man, I don’t even want to think about all the times we were told to leave my parents room. Eeep.

  4. those lies are hilarious!

  5. I just came across your blog and it’s hilarious! My mom didn’t tell me artichokes had hearts at all. She just willingly took my plate every time I was done pealing the leaves off. I didnt’ find out til I was 14!
    When I was 17 my friends in high school asked me why I was eating the nasty brown spots on my banana. I told them “Duh, it’s brown sugar.” It was awesome. My mom’s a dirty liar too.

  6. @Julie: That is too hilarious about the banana spots!! And parents are pretty ruthless when it comes to artichoke hearts, I’m discovering. So funny.

  7. “Eat your corn and you’ll be beautiful like Tiger Lily!” I ate corn every chance I could, and you know what? I still looked a hot mess”

    that part is golden right there!

  8. I didn’t even know artichoke hearts were consumable until I was an adult. My parents took them away like they were doing me a big favor and then I’m pretty sure my dad ate them in secret. That bastard.

    BTW – I linked to this post on my Tumblr because it was so funny. And true. Hope that’s okay!

  9. I looooove the thing about the artichoke hearts!!! I will totally use that one day :)

  10. @Andrea: Hahaha, “That bastard.” Thanks for linking on your Tumblr! I approve of people pimping me out. No shame.

  11. I’m glad to see my parents weren’t the only ones taking my artichoke hearts. Dang parents. Not like I’m gonna give my kids their hearts, but still…

  12. OMG!!!! The Christmas Present one totally hits home! They were always talking about these mysterious presents! I’m still waiting for them. :)

  13. My parents never lied to me.
    They told us to go to bed so they could do it.
    I think thats more scarring

  14. Hilarious!
    The comment ahead of me is cracking me up. Wow. I’m afraid that will be me!

  15. My mom always told me that if I didn’t clean up my room the bag lady would come in and take all my toys, put them in a garbage bag, and take them away. I was terrified of the bag lady.

  16. hahaha. This is hilarious! I can’t think of anything off the top of my head that my parents lied to me about. But I’m pretty sure your parents saying they were talking about your Christmas presents and then going into their room to do it is the most hilarious lie I’ve ever heard! If my parents had told me that, I would have be standing up to the door with my ear on it!!! Good thing my parents knew better. ;-)

  17. That’s the whole fun of having kids – you get to make up nonsense and make them believe it.

  18. This is funny! Especially Christmas talk in March… haha

  19. Um, can I just let you know that neither of those photos (Jacob AND the one of you as a kid with the stinky face) ever get old. I freaking love it.

    And this entire post made me giggle…I love it!

  20. i’m sorry, i don’t even know what this post is about b/c I NEVER GOT PAST THE PICTURE OF JACOB
    *droooool* *drool* *more droooooool*

    ok, i’m back.
    I LOVE that your parents told you guys they were talking about Christmas presents, that may be the most hilarious parent lie ever!!
    After reading the comments I’m feeling oh so loved that my mom shared her artichoke hearts with me!! And her avocados.
    BUT we were in cahoots and both told my brothers that the hearts were inedible and that the spiny parts stick to your throat and needed to be surgically removed (or some BS like that)
    They would gladly leave them on their plates and my mom would hide them and share with me after they went to bed. Awesome right?! She’s the freakin best.
    And as for avocados we just said they had girl vitamins in them. Boys want NOTHING to do with girl vitamins, they might grow BOOBS! (altho, it never worked for me dammit)

  21. Your mom told you the truth sweetie, Pa and I never lied to her or her brother. ;)

  22. This is a riot! My mom used to do this stuff with food all the time. I remember clearly the day she told me that beets tasted like candy! I took a HUGE bite of the hot pink goodness and realized my mom has never eaten real candy like I’ve eaten – I immediately spit the beets on the plate and cried “What kind of candy do you eat?!?!?”

    She also told me for years that if I ate the crust off my bread my hair would get curly. I doubt that’s true – but by the time I was in HS and finally stopped getting perms… two years later my hair went from bone straight to curly (wavy). I hate it now… I want my straight hair back… maybe I should stop eating crust.

    The Tiger Lily comment is gold!

  23. I notice nobody has mentioned their older brothers telling them to stick their finger in the middle of the artichoke. I suppose it isn’t a lie, but still not very nice. (not that that ever stopped me from telling people to do it)