Warning: I tell you to die in this one because I’m so mean.

So, there’s a little issue going on in my life right now where everyone be hatin’. See, I’ve REALLY been wanting to try out for this certain type of team we have in town, but no one seems to believe I can handle it. They don’t think I have the skills. They don’t think I’m tough enough. They pretty much have been laughing at me all week and I cry into pillows.

That thing I want to do so badly? Roller Derby.

Now, if the mental image of my sissy little self trying to be all hardcore, yelling obscenities and throwing ‘bows makes you laugh, you can DIE. Just kidding, but stop laughing because I’m totally serious about this. I’ve been known to do some mean skating in my day, but only if you consider “couples skating” in 6th grade mean, because that’s really the only experience I’ve ever had with it.

Okay, let’s be real… I never even had a chance to couples skate with a boy because I was too shy and weird and had a lot of little 6th grade whore friends who stole all the cute ones. Moving on.

Justin thinks I’d have a difficult time on a Roller Derby team because I’d be apologizing to the other players if I accidentally bumped into them.  Bless his heart for thinking I’m too considerate for this type of badassery, but he can die too. I am mean, see?  That’s why my nickname in high school was “Mom”… because I’m so mean. And I apparently liked to give loving, motherly advice when people didn”t ask for it, but these are MINOR DETAILS. I could be mean if I wanted.

That's me. (I lied just now)

My point is, if everyone says I won’t be able to handle it… that I’m not tough enough (oooh, I hate that one)… that I’ll get “broken into pieces”… I’m more than stubborn enough to prove them all wrong.

And so I shall.

(If I die by the hand of an enraged, tattooed girl with fishnets, please make sure my daughter knows to always say her pleases and thank-yous.)

37 thoughts on “Warning: I tell you to die in this one because I’m so mean.

  1. uhm okay stop copying me you doppelganger. i’ve wanted to to this for a LONG time TOO. if i lived in fresno i’d drag your butt to a rink with me because i’d be too skeered to go alone… lol. see. i be bad ass too.

  2. I always wanted to do this, but the truth is I suck at skating, and I am afraid I’d pop a boob.
    I say try it, and it might actually work out.

  3. Do it! You’d totally kick butt, and get an amazing workout too. I’m not a fan of bruises on me, but they are really fun to inflict!

  4. I don’t think it’s funny to do it at all. I would never because I really am a big wuss but I wish I could have the guts, it looks like fun! Ignore the people laughing at you and just do it, have fun!!

  5. I HAVE BLOGGED LIKE A FRILLION TIMES THAT I WANT TO DO ROLLER DERBY, TOO.

    But alas, I am a baby. And I think I’d die. Or so everyone says. Maybe we should both try out and then we can play one another’s teams since we don’t live too far. HAHA.

  6. DO IT. That would be awesome. Some chick I went to High School with is a Roller…girl? (unsure if this is the proper term…) and, I’m not gonna lie- it looks pretty rad.

  7. I, too, have the same issue with everyone thinking I’m too ‘nice’ and yes, I have a HUGE fear of confrontations… however, when I played field hockey I was almost kicked out of a few games because I was too mean (to opponents as well as my own team if they were pissin me off), and I played rugby and enjoyed hitting others. Just because you’re considerate, does NOTmean you can’t KICK SOME ASS!! You do it, girl!

  8. I secretly wanna go out for roller derby too. I would have to hide it though like that Juno girl. Oh and to make matters worse… my sister in law used to be an actual real life roller derby girl. G-string Honey was her name. Jealousy I tell you. Jealousy.
    Oh and since your daughter also has the annoying demon tea pot, she’ll always say please and thank you. Over and over and over……..

  9. Go for it! I think it looks awesome. AND it’s fine to be Mrs. Priss and be a badass all at the same time. In fact, I think it’s a requirement.

    Kick ass, girl.

  10. You should totally do it!!! I just went to my first roller derby on Saturday night and it was awesome! You could even be the jammer and then you would have more dodging of the ‘bows then throwing of them. :)

  11. Okay wow if you did this I would be in complete awe of you. That’s crazy hardcore… from what I can tell from the movie trailer to Whip it (I haven’t actually seen the movie since Big Love is monopolizing my Netflix queue).. I must warn you though… some bruises are freaking permanent.. hence why I no longer play on my company’s soccer team. Do I really want a slightly darker and slightly indented spot on my shin? No. Do I have one? Yes. Therefore I will be playing only individual sports from now on. Like running. Or ping pong. lol.

  12. you have to see the movie with Drew Barrimore, Whip It. It’s all about roller derby. I work with a few girls on a team and I think it sounds like a blast, but I’m pretty uncoordinated.. If you want to do it, I saw go for it! Prove everyone wrong, what’s more fun than that?

  13. This is GREAT!!! Dolly wants to join too! You all should go roller skating together. I told Dolly that I would be her groupie (spelling) and follwer her around the world. I also, like Justin do have a feeling that the Llama cannot be tough enough (although I have seen her get in the face of a 200LB man and almost kick his ass, that is my wifey for you). This is too much!

  14. DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I totally think you can sister!!!! Let me know when your first derby is!! I’ll come and support!!! :)

  15. Ok seriously, my husband has been trying to get me to do roller derby for over a year now! He knows some of the fresno roller derby girls and told them that i would be good at it and they said to have me come out, lol! I have to say i have just been afraid but i honestly have been considering it. You should go for it too, i'm sure you have it in you!

  16. I have a friend that does roller derby and she absolutely loves it. She keeps telling me I need to join a team around here. Sadly the closest ones are over 2 hours away. Go for it girl – you never know unless you try and you’ll kick yourself if you don’t. Besides every derby girl needs a good momma – you’re just the chickie for that job! ox

  17. John thought of your roller derby name — Mommy Fearest!

    Another option I came up with — Mrs. Piss!

    Dude, you should totally go practice at Cal Skate. I wish it was still called Roller Town. WAYYYY cooler name! I wanna see your moves! Jimaie and I can practice tripping you & giving you bruises, knocking out a couple teeth … er, I mean, we will cheer you on! :P

  18. In the past few days that I have brought up this idea my husband has reminded me that we just shelled out $4000 in an attempt fix my wretched back issues and my mother has reminded me (yet again) of how she spent $6000 making these teeth near perfect.Roller Derby is not in my future. Sad but true :(

  19. Crap. Now I’m a stalker, being the girl who has NEVER been here before, but then comments on two posts in a row. Que c’era.

    DO DERBY. We have a local league here (Dixie Derby Girls) and I announce for them and MY GOD, it is simply THE most awesome thing in the history of wheeled ovaries. Sorry, but it’s true.

    You would be AMAZED what you can get your body to do if you just try.

  20. Do it, it sounds like so much fun and I bet you can be totally bad ass. Stop your crying into pillows and show everyone what you got! :)

  21. What would your roller-derby name be??? Would you be Mrs Priss??? Then you wouldn’t wear fishnets but instead a floral apron (not THE floral apron because we wouldn’t want it to get torn by a scary biotch), and pearls! And your pads would be decorated with lace!
    Not sure what you would do about the helmets…those never look that great.

  22. Dang! Now you’ve got me looking (again) at the league nearby. Not sure I still have the moves and I’d be sore as heck for awhile…but you’ve got me thinking! Good luck!

  23. You seriously made me 'laugh out loud' at least 5 times in the last 5 minutes! I'm new to your blog (as of like an hour ago) and already you are right up there with FLOWER PATCH FARM GIRL as one of my favorite blogs to follow. Keep up the good work!

  24. LMBO! Im super late for commenting on this post, but you are HIGHlarious. U ooze sarcasm… I heart sarcasm.
    Have A Blessed Day!

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