BREAKING NEWS: I’m not a big animal person (don’t hate me)

All the animal lovers either skipped this post or are wanting to pelt me with large, Biblical-status stones right now. LET ME EXPLAIN.

I know most people are very passionate about animals and their pets and that’s totally awesome. I’m passionate about things that animal people are probably all, ‘eww’ about (like philly cheese steak) and that’s OKAY! That sort of diversity is what makes the world go ’round! Or something.

The important thing to know is that I don’t actually hate animals. I think they’re cute and somewhat lovable as long as they don’t stick their butt in my face and pee on me.

And that brings me to a story that will explain my issues. Let me take you back…

I’m 10 years old. My mom takes my brother and I to the zoo. I eat pink popcorn and learn important facts about monkeys and anteaters. We walk over to the lion exhibit and the sucker SMELLS. Naturally, I grab my neck with both hands and pretend I’m choking to death. Then I start laughing and yelling, “P-UUUUU!!!” (Theatrics, it’s how I roll.) All of a sudden, the lion stands up and starts walking away, and I felt kind of guilty for hurting his feelings. Just after I shut my mouth, the lion stops. The lion backs up to the fence. THE LION SHOOTS A STEADY AND EXTREMELY WARM STREAM OF PEE ONTO ME.

And I cry.

Ever since that day at the zoo, I’ve felt that there’s been a huge animal conspiracy against me. Every time I go to a friend or family member’s house, their pets just skip merrily past all the animal people and choose ME as their target to rub their butts on.

I just know that jerky lion has something to do with it.

39 thoughts on “BREAKING NEWS: I’m not a big animal person (don’t hate me)

  1. no… i have a bitch of a cat that i battle daily. she pukes hairballs & pees in various places JUST for me. seriously, ask jimaie. p.s. my kids like this picture of "the silly lion with people hair".pink popcorn ftw!i ♥ your posts. (but you already know this)

  2. no… i have a bitch of a cat that i battle daily. she pukes hairballs & pees in various places JUST for me. seriously, ask jimaie. p.s. my kids like this picture of "the silly lion with people hair".pink popcorn ftw!i ♥ your posts. (but you already know this)

  3. OH MY GOD. that’s the most ridiculous thing i have ever heard. like, ever.

    also, you didn’t put up the picture of Maddie punching you in the leg. i’m heartbroken. the lion picture is a close second though.

  4. Unbelievable. Animals know who doesn’t like them, and they seem to either want to turn you to their side and make you like them or they punish you for your opinion.

  5. HAHAHA! I can relate. I’m sort of “meh” about animals. Like… I can see why people love them. And they can be cute. But for me… nah. Plus I’m allergic to just about every kind. So I have an excuse. So sorry about the lion pee. That’s very traumatic.

  6. OH MY GOD. a lion actually peed on you. i’m a huge animal person, but that is WAY past my tolerance line. [i think i shuddered reading it!] i’ve never heard anything as ridiculous as this!

    p.s. we could never hate you morgan :p

  7. Oh my LORD, it’s so true: animals somehow just KNOW who doesn’t like them, and choose that person to focus on. Smarties!

    Sorry you had to go through that traumatic experience. Truly. :)

  8. I’m the same way. Well, minus the lion-peeing-on-me part. I totally understand how people looooove pets, but I’ve never been a huge animal person. I’m allergic to cats, and our pet dogs were always my brother’s “thing.” I appreciate some people’s animals, but most of them just seem to like to harass ME on purpose.

  9. That is seriously tramatic and gross and I feel sorry for you! :) I’m not an animal person either. Never have been. Didn’t grow up with them and don’t want them now. (I do have 3 dogs and several fish living on the same property as I, however none of them are “mine”! And those dogs CERTAINLY do NOT reside IN MY HOUSE!!! YUCK!) Anyways, but yes, everytime I go somewhere, the dog of the house ALWAYS finds me…and stalks me! I’ve been told they can sense tension. GRRR! I have no desire to pet/hold/be near anyone’s pet! On the flip side, as you said, they can be rather entertaining at times…from a distance!

    That being said, the only animal I would ever want to own is a monkey. Because they’re cool.

  10. Wow. I think you have a totally justified reason to feel apathetic toward animals :)

    I, too, am not much of an animal lover. I love my dog, and that’s about it…

  11. I’m not much of an animal person either. We have the coolest dog on the planet but other people’s? Meh, not so much. (I also feel similarly regarding my child and other people’s)
    In fact, it didn’t even occur to me that it might be a bad idea to wear a fur coat to a benefit for, wait for it, the Humane Society. My hubs was just waiting for people to throw things at me.

  12. the hair on this lion is RIDICULOUSSSSSS​s, it seriously kills me.Also? Heather & Ratbear's lifelong feud amuses me so, especially b/c she's secretly Nole's other woman ;D haha!!

  13. OMG. This is the funniest (yet saddest/digusting-est) thing ever. GROSS yet hilarious.

    If I were you, I would never go to the zoo again!

  14. Sweet Jesus, the bloggers block has been lifted!!! This is too funny…for some reason, I can totally picture this happening to yoU! I promise to never rub my butt on you, or pee on you…but I am a human…so, I assume that is assumed. :)

  15. Oh my gosh. Hi.lar.i.ous. I mean… I’m not laughing at you. I’m totally laughing with you.

    Thanks for sharing. I knew there was a reason I don’t like dogs… I must just be empathizing with you.

  16. Maybe thats why the zoos now have plexiglass around all the viewing areas ?!?!

    The lion-pee-on-lil-miss-morgan-incident changed zoo’s everywhere for the better!

    Thank you

  17. i think ben actually has a picture from the zoo of a sign warning of the potential of that very situation.

    your zoo should be ashamed that they don’t have the proper signage. seriously.

  18. I hate zoos for that reason. Lion pee, monkey’s that throw poop and show off their huge balls. Seriously? Who wants to see that?

  19. the hair on this lion is RIDICULOUSSSSSSs, it seriously kills me.Also? Heather & Ratbear's lifelong feud amuses me so, especially b/c she's secretly Nole's other woman ;D haha!!

  20. when I first looked at this post I happened to glance at the picture first, laughed a bit, and thought, “Surely, there was no ACTUAL lion that peed on her”…. but then, yes. Yes, you really did get peed on by a lion.

    I don’t blame you at all for you lack of love towards the animal kingdom. That’s just RUDE.

    :)

  21. See, that doesn’t just happen to everybody. You’re kinda like my best friend, Kate, whom weird, bizarro, really random fascinating things happen to…..(like her super nice non-violent husband carrying-onto a plane a backpack with a trillion little zipper pockets in which he forgot contained ammunition). It’s shit like that. Hilarious.

  22. Oh Morgan! I am so sorry to hear that. A monkey threw poop at me when I was little – and I was all but intrigued by the colorful array of baboon-butts. The Chaffee Zoo needs to step up their game – who pays admission to be a mockery of pent-up animal resentment!?

    Ps…I don’t understand why this would offend anyone – the LION PEED ON YOU! I’d be tramatized too..lol

  23. I too have been peed on by a big cat. Similar story to yours actually. I was 12 at summer camp. Its Zoo day. Me and my friend walk up to the Tiger and he is just pacing along the fence. Next thing we know his tail is quivering back and forth really fast and wet stuff if flying at our heads. By the end of the week everyone knew us as the girls the Tiger peed on. However, i still like animals.

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