How to Get Killed by a Pregnant Lady

HEY! Read this first.

Now that I am pregnant again, I feel free to say that expectant mothers are some of the most difficult people on the planet. I was the first time around and I am starting to see the signs again. There are a few happy-sparkle-rainbow moms that don’t fit into this category (though, I’ve only met one or two), but usually we are pretty hard to please. It’s not ALL our fault though!

Let me explain…

You’ve heard over and over how you are NEVER, under any circumstances, supposed to comment on a pregnant woman’s size/weight/shape. Even though the commenter may be well-meaning, pregnant ladies are hardly ever okay with what is said.

Example 1:

Well-meaning person: Wow, you’re really showing!

Pregnant lady: Bitch just called me fat.

(Pregnant women think in cuss words, whether they say it or not. Didn’t you know? We’re pretty hostile.)

Example 2:

Well-meaning person: You’re carrying reaaaally wide! Must be a girl!

Pregnant lady: And you must be carrying three.

(Way harsh, Tai.)

Example 3:

Well-meaning person: You’re glowing!

Pregnant lady: RUDE! She just pointed out how sweaty I am!

Example 4:

Well-meaning person: YOU’RE DRINKING COFFEE/HAVING A HOME BIRTH/EATING SUGAR/WEARING HIGH HEELS!? DON’T YOU KNOW YOU’RE KILLING YOUR BABY!?! LET ME PUSH ALL MY BELIEFS ON YOU EVEN THOUGH I’VE NEVER HAD A KID OF MY OWN & SCARE THE CRAP OUT OF YOU IN THE PROCESS!

Pregnant lady: (We usually just cry at this point.)

My point is, we’re really touchy. To the people who mean no harm and are only trying to say how cute we look, I’m really sorry. These hormonies make us sort of out of control, but we really can’t help it.

To be safe, you can always just tell us we look pretty. Ladies always want to look pretty, whether we have a bowling ball belly or not. If you stray from my advice, I am not responsible for what happens to you at the hand of that pregnant person.

You’re in that girl’s territory now.

36 thoughts on “How to Get Killed by a Pregnant Lady

  1. Here is my favorite from last week:"You know you are going to get that big right?"The woman I was compared to was at least 20-30 lbs more than me before she was pregnant…I better never get that big!!! But thanks for the advice.

  2. Nanette, oh my gosh, yes. I had a couple that said stuff to me after the fact. "I didn't want to say anything, but your boobs were getting out of control." I'm weird though. I considered that a good thing, lol.

  3. I personally appreciated the lady behind the pharmacy counter who, when I was 8 months pregnant, said "Please don't be offended, but are you pregnant?" Apparently she was concerned about the meds I was getting. But she was as polite as possible while sticking her nose in my business, because yes I was pregnant and knew exactly what meds I was getting they were prescribed by my ob.

  4. You hit those nails RIGHT on the head!!
    I still just don’t get it why people feel the need to even say anything. Walk on people- nothing to see here!

    :)
    xo

  5. oh it’s so true, so true. I got asked on three different occasions if I was having MULTIPLES (not twins, mind you, MULTIPLES) when I was pregnant with my first. I’m not kidding. (Look, lady, I’m short and have no torso. Where else is this kid going to go but out?!?!?!?) ;)
    So I totally get it.

    And you look lovely, BTW.

  6. I hated hearing someone tell me that I was showing or how big my belly is getting. It’s just not something we want to hear whether you mean well or not. It’s a little rude if you ask me. I wanted to come back with something snarky every time but I just gave a little laugh and a mean look.

  7. This post made my day! I’ll need to forward this to my entire Google Contacts list when I’m pregnant. Subject: You’ve Been Warned. lol.

  8. i’ve never been pregnant before obviously but i think all of that is just so true. but man i can only imagine the inner dialogue of some of those conversations.

  9. Ha ha! A friend of ours came up to me yesterday and touched my belly and said "I had no idea! Congratulations​!" So glad I really am pregnant! The shirt I was wearing made me look huge.

  10. I don’t actually get offended by comments on my size b/c I know it’s all baby and they mean well so I don’t care. Don’t think I’m sunshine and rainbows though b/c I’m as likely as not to get offended by somebody just for happening to be in the same room as me. Especially if that person is my husband.
    He popped by for a second today and he was like, ‘that dress makes you look huge’ and i was like ‘no, your baby makes me look huge’ and he was like ‘true enough’
    But heaven forbid he leave a sock on the floor. GRRSTOMPSTOMP *bullsnort*

  11. hahaha!!
    I totally get the not wanting people to tell you how HUGE you look/are but I never understand the girls who hate when you tell them they look sos cute and tiny! I WISH I could have ever been told that either time I was pregnant that I was “tiny”- ha! Do they think I’m insulting their fetus? Saying that they’re not growing it well enough? I don’t get it.

  12. agree with all of these, even with NO kids of my own!! also add, don’t EVER ask a girl if she’s pregnant unless she’s in full-on labor. cuz you know what…it might just be her 27th birthday, and she might just be wearing an empire-waist dress, and she might blast your missing tooth, walgreens cashier self all over the internet. just saying =)

  13. This was hilarious. And makes so much sense. And you are totally pretty! Duh!

    I too loved the Clueless reference! Let’s get together and watch Clueless soon!

  14. Ha ha! A friend of ours came up to me yesterday and touched my belly and said "I had no idea! Congratulations!" So glad I really am pregnant! The shirt I was wearing made me look huge.

  15. Okay, I’ve never been pregnant, but will take all of this into account.

    I seriously love your movie references sprinkled throughout. hahaha.

  16. I generally avoid pregnant ladies.. nothing against you.. but ya’ll scare me… alot. I generally don’t comment on size.. just ask how far along and/or do you know what you’re having. I try to stay on the good side.

  17. A co-worker told me that my hips were getting wide I replied like lightening “I’m pregnant, what’s your excuse?” Don’t mess with the hormone ball! That was 12 years’ ago and I still haven’t forgotten.

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