Baby #2 – Eighteen Weeks

Something I had forgotten since I was pregnant with Madeline is how a lot of what you go through makes you feel like you’ve rapidly aged 60 years. I fully believe that I am now an 84 year-old woman in disguise.

It started out quite subtly, this whole being old thing. At first it was just the going to bed at 6pm, which really wasn’t all that bad except I ended up missing all my stories. (THANK YOU, DVR. My heart belongs to you 4eva, xoxo.) But once my energy returned, my body was still on the earlier mealtime clock, which meant I was wanting to eat dinner at 4 in the p-m, and well before I was off work.

The cycle continues with me ravenously scarfing down my food the first chance I was able and cursing anyone who got in my way, and thus being plagued with heartburn. Let me tell you, there’s nothing that makes you feel quite as old as having to take Tums after every meal. No wait. There is…

…Having to take more fiber. Oh yes. I’m chomping on breakfast bars that are the consistency of tree bark and eating Activiaaaaaa to help me poo like a normal person. It’s a glamorous life.

Jamie Lee Curtis knows her stuff. This is the magic.

Oh, and as your belly gets bigger, you start complaining about your achin’ back. You can’t sleep very well because of this and you desperately need relief. At the drugstore, you search high and low for medicine that can knock out a horse while also being safe to take while pregnant. Just to be careful, you ask the other lady in the aisle what she thinks about your situation. Before you even realize it, you are talking to a stranger about your personal medical problems. GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF, WOMAN!

I could really go on and on… the big ugly bras with big ugly straps that feel SO much better than cute little lacy ones, the Dr. Scholl’s shoe inserts, the hot flashes… it’s bad. Earlier today, I stood in the birthday card aisle at Target for about 15 minutes pretending to laugh at the cards, when really I was just hanging out under the air conditioning vent and smiling with delight at the coolness and relief. It was the best I’ve felt in years.

I will take 800 of these, please.

I really don’t really mind all this old stuff so much. I mean, it only lasts for 9 months and old people are pretty cool when you think about it. They carry candy in their purses. Old crappy candy like Werther’s Original, but still. And they do kick major butt in Wheel of Fortune. I will openly state right now that if there was any way I could spend the next 5 months of my life eating old caramels, watching Wheel of Fortune and going to bed at 6:00, I would do it.

Well, as long as I had someone to rub my sore feet for me. Any takers? I’ll pay you a whole quarter…

32 thoughts on “Baby #2 – Eighteen Weeks

  1. I feel the oldness too–geez. Everyone said the second trimester was the source of all energy, but I’m not seeing it yet! But really, it’s kind of fun to be able to whine and get massages so you’ll shut up about it.

  2. I happen to like Original Werther’s THANKYOUVERYMUCH! No, but you hit the nail right on the head. Whenever I think of old people, I picture them pulling mints out of their purses that are like, those butterscotch hard candies or WORSE: the CINNAMON hard candies. RALF!

  3. omg, the bottom of my purse is FILLED with Wether’s Originals LOL! Dead serious. I chomp on at least 20 of them during my 3hr long class monday nights. I’m pretty much an 80yr old on any given day when I’m not pregnant so when with child I am dead. Yeah, pretty much.

  4. As soon as I saw this post was about feeling like an old person I started waiting for the poop thing. WAIT UNTIL YOU HAVE TO BUY THE PRUNE JUICE. It makes you feel really awesome. Especially if you buy it while wearing crocs and you don’t even give a crap anymore because you haven’t seen your feet in ages so if anyone wants to care about whats on them that is thier own business.
    Another thing old people have that pregnancy brings you? Complete lack of bladder control. Nicole was in the bathroom pooping and started yelling EEEEWWW. EEEEWWW. EWWWWWWWWWWW!!! In a way that was clearly meant to bring my hubby or myself running. We sat there stifling our giggles and whispering furiously over who was gonna go deal with it. Then she goes and yells “THIS IS REALLY SERIOUS!” in her three-year-old serious-self way and we both just lose it and I’m all like, “Aw crap, I peed a little… your problem.”
    it turned out to be a tiny poop smear on the toilet seat but our daughter is a germophobe so it was a pretty serious situation. But its my second pregnancy and it was just my husband so I was just like, yup, i peed a little. move on.

  5. lorchick: bahahaha! I felt a bit of that when I had to buy prunes a month or two ago. They’re actually really good… =X

    Laylabean: Thank you! And yes I did. :) I tried making some flowers out of leather and vinyl and they turned out pretty cute!

  6. “And I’ll give Audrey a quarter too, Audrey!” Anyone? Anyone? ::crickets and blank stares::
    You are one adorable, hot mama… seriously.
    I am so not looking forward to my bucket-o-Tums again, but like you said, it’s a short time, old people are cool, and look what you get in the end!

  7. Oh girl! You look so great! And, I’ll give a hells yes to the Activia club…..I feel like my grandma who waits around for a good poo all day and then makes sure to tell you all about it when she does!……embarassing!

  8. First of all, I’m like this all the time. Hmm. Maybe I need to adjust my diet. Second, at least old people get to say whatever they fuck they want whenever they want. I’m jealous. I can’t wait until I’m 70 and I can take down the filter and go on crazy rants. Third? You’re still really hot.

  9. So I realized I never commented on this but seriously, I cannot wait to be an old lady. I hope forty years in the future, we live next door to each other and can sit out on our front porches, drink tea, and talk about our crazy old lady habits. :)

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