The Harsh Realities of Marriage

See this face?

That, my friends, is the face of a monster. RUN FOR YOUR LIIIIIVES!

(Okaynotreally. I love the guy to death, but for the sake of dramatics, indulge me for a minute.)

When I was younger, I had visions of married life pretty much being a never ending slumber party. You know…  movie marathons, an abundance of junk food, talking to your BFF for hours on end, braiding each other’s hair, etc.

What, you don’t braid your husbands hair? Okay, not so much, but you get what I’m saying. I was a day-dreamy girl and slumber parties were my favorite thing in the world at the time. Stay with me here.

(Just a side note, there is some pretty… interesting slumber party stuff on the internet. Exhibit A.)

So now that I’ve been married 4 years and have been properly schooled in the art of being a wife and all that comes along with it (HA. Right.), I’m going to let you in on a little secret. Marriage? Yeah, not a the slumber I envisioned. Oh it’s a slumber party alright, but not like the fun ones you remember. There are no late night movie marathons starring Jennifer Garner. There are late night video game marathons starring loud shooty things and husbands that yell obscenities. There is no braiding of hair. There is however, cleaning up of billions of tiny man whiskers all over the bathroom. But most importantly, and I wish I had known this going into it, there is no actual sleeping. Like, ever.

See, Justin has issues with sleep, which now means that I have issues with sleep. On the nights he stays up late, tossing and turning, I also stay up late tossing and turning. When he gets up for a big, loud, gulpy drink of water, I wake up as well. It’s bad, but I never really minded it until this one night when something truly horrific happened…

We had been married less than a year at the time. We were both sleeping soundly until it happened. Justin farted. AND IT WAS VERY, EXTREMELY, NOT GOOD.

It smacked me across the face and woke me up with the force of a thousand demons. Worst smell of my life. I jumped out of bed immediately and said, “JUSTIN! OH MY G–“, cupped my hand over my mouth and bolted for the bathroom. As if that wasn’t bad enough, as I was rounding the end of the bed, Justin groggily mumbled, “hrmmffl. Babe, can you turn off the tv? grbglllftt.” And then he fell right back to sleep while I was throwing up from his foul smells. That is nerve, people.

The thing is, Justin and I have about 20 memorable stories like this, where he’s woken me up in some way or another and fallen back asleep while I’m left to fend for my life. A few nights ago, he literally punched me in the face and said “WHAT’S THAT!?” while pointing at the ceiling. I was all freaked out thinking it was a bug or something and he fell right back to sleep. I was all, ‘What? Justin, what is it!?!?” and he was out. He swears he doesn’t remember any of these things, but I think it’s a conspiracy. He knows. Ohhh, he knows.

Moral of my really sick story: Marriage is a never ending, braidless, sleepless slumber party of doom. And farts. You have been warned.

[ image credit for creepy slumber party dolls ]

66 thoughts on “The Harsh Realities of Marriage

  1. OMG….hilariou​s. just hilarious! but i have NO idea what you're talking about. those things dont really happen. right?? OR is it the part of "Happily Ever After" you NEVER seem to hear about?? i truly think a woman in denial wrote all the fairy tail endings. i mean if she had ever been married there is NO WAY she could end a story that way. think of all the little girls that dream of that special day when they get married and become a wife. its all bunnies and butterflies. no one ever told us we'd be fending for their lives in the middle of the night…. from our own husband. we Really should have been briefed on this stuff.

  2. WHY ARE THERE SO MANY COMMENTS ON THAT CAT SLUMBER PARTY BLOG?!

    Also, there’s the whole elbow to the head portion of my night’s slumber. At least that’s how it was when we were in a queen bed. Now that we’re in a king I barely notice Cale’s there. And I’ve been sleeping soundly ever since

  3. Hm. You raise a really good point. When I have sleepovers with girls, I never have problems and yet, when I have sleepovers with boys, I get punched in the face and yelled at. Literally. Why are boys like that??

  4. Not that I'm glad that you're in the same boat as me, but I'm so relieved that my hubby isn't the only one who's crazy in his sleep! I remember one time a few years ago when he woke up, climbed out of bed-in only his boxers-opened the door and walked outside into about 2 feet of snow. I just stood there watching him wondering what in the world was going on! He stood there for a minute, turned around, and went right back to bed. Snow and all. And I've spent more t han a handful of nights wide awake on the couch because of him jumping up in his sleep trying to hit me!

  5. I have to admit the first time I read this post it was late last night while the hubby was keeping me awake cuz he wasnt tired so appearantly neither was I… and while I read it to him he completely ignored me… Gahhh… Men!! LOL Ive been married for quite a while so that now I have the 6th sense of knowing when a fist is flying at me in the middle of the night… Ive had a bloody nose a few times but now I wake up right before it hits in enough time to move away and scream at the top of my lungs…LOLAshley~ My hubbys in the Army too though he hasnt deployed yet. I can only imagine how it must be for you. I know after a long time in the field I hear some crazy stuff at night I can bet you hear it even worse!! Good luck!!

  6. WHAT… Trivializing mens' night time protective methods for our women folk from the attacks of demons, rogue bugs and under-the-bed monsters? What you describe as a simple 'gastric disorder' is in fact a highly developed defense mechanism so well refined we can launch it while sleeping to ward off would be attackers… and those 'oh he hit me' moments, did you ever stop to consider what we hit BEFORE the swing got to you? Ya, I thought not. Without us, there IS no slumber party… Sorry, that just slipped out.

  7. Just LAST NIGHT, Dave woke me up hugging me and laughing. NOT HAPPY. There’s something to the old TV shows where moms and dads had seperate beds. Seriously.
    A-MEN

  8. LOL…I love it when you hear about a beautiful couples harsh realities. Thanks for sharing all the fun stories Morgan! Uuuhhhhh, you are so stinkin cute it makes me sick ; ) BTW-I never said…Jack is such a perfectly adorable name that goes so well with your perfectly adorable family.

  9. It’s SOO true! My husband apparently had a dream about slamming a door the other night which means I got socked in the face. Not the best way to wake up. Also, the talking in his sleep is creeeeeeeppppyyyyy. Oh marriage…

  10. hahaha this made me laugh so hard. While we’ve been used to the constant farting, marriage is definitely an adjustment that definitely changed things. Even though we were constantly together while we dated and even up until we got married, marriage is so much different. I miss my sleep.

  11. I wish it were my husband I had to contend with. he sleeps like a baby — no farting, no hitting, no cover hogging. It’s the damn dog. He’s a total cockblocker. Any time my hubs and I try to get a little nookie, he is there. Wiggling himself in between us. That fat dog does all the things bad husbands do…farts, steals my pillow, drools, barks. Worst of all, the little shit acts like it’s normal, like he’s supposed to be the king of our queen size bed.

  12. ha ha. that is hilarious! Oh tell me about it! I have been married 12 years. Thankfully my hubby is not a big farter but he is a snorer! I have spent many a night lying in wait, concocting all sorts of inventions in my head for snoring! I got to the point where I thought, well I am never going to cure him, but I’ll be damned if I am going to spend eternity as a sleep deprived lunatic! So every time he snores now, I elbow him in the side and the results are magic and instantaneous: like a slow motion love story, he turns over to the other side in his sleep! (yip, amazing how they can sleep through anything!!) and although the snoring still continues, as long as it’s not being blasted into my left ear, I can get back to sleep and all is bliss with the world!

    Thanks for sharing your hilarious story!

  13. Omg… this kills me. So funny and SOOOO TRUE!!!!!! I will never forget the first time I was farted upon. And I do mean UPON because my hubby managed to wiggle his rear right up to me before he blasted me with his gases. So this is love?? Bleck! I have also been elbowed in the eye, had my hair nearly yanked out from the roots, and been woken up to the sound of my husband sleep-yelling at his co-workers. It’s a charmed life.

  14. LOL so funny and so true! I get steam rolled at night and I find myself shoving my husband to make him get on his side of the bed. Also, a horrific thing happened the other night…my husband and I were facing each other and had been asleep for a few hours. Our faces were oh so close and all of the sudden I hear a gurgle and a grumble and then…a burp escapes from his mouth. He’s dead asleep but now I’m wide awake trying to not gag. I don’t remember much after that but I think I shoved him and rolled over, willing myself to not throw up HAHAHA! Oh the fun parts of married life that you don’t think about ;)

  15. Travis sleep talks something fierce in his sleep. He also sleep laughs, which is soo creepy. One time he got out of bed and started making it while I was still in it. He says he has not recollection, but I still maintain that he was trying to suffocate me.

  16. LOLOL OMG. I seriously could have written this. One of the first nights we ever spent together he freaked out and punched me in the head! And don’t even get me started on the farts. Every morning…like clock work…I know he’s awake when he lets out a long nasty fart. (Such a lucky gal, right?)

    With his sleep issues-he’s just a night owl. What usually happens is he stays in the living room working (he does web design) and watching tv until he falls asleep. Then he’ll wake up randomly and come to bed in the middle of the night. That way I get my beauty sleep because I’m in bed so early. It’s not ideal but it sure helps us both get sleep.

  17. you know what, everything is overrated. My husband is a cuddler, for example. That sound sweet, doesn’t it? Awwwwwwwww.
    NO.
    You know what, those 230 pounds of tall, muscular manliness are much cuter in the upright position when you’re thinking ‘muscles’. At 3am, however, draped all over you ‘cuddling’ you’re thinking ‘for the love of all things good and holy, GET OFF! I CANT BREATHE! AND MY HANDS ARE NUMB!’
    And I feel your pain… Mine rolls back over and falls back asleep over EVERYTHING. Except he mumbles cuss words at me when he does it. His brother does it too apparently, and my 3 year old does it but without the cuss words. A genetic predisposition to be impossible to wake up and a TERRIBLE PERSON in the middle of the night. It’s like, “babe, can you roll over, you’re on top of me and my ass is hanging off the bed already and I can’t breathe. Pretty please?” and he’s all like “mumble snarkle snort cussitty cuss cuss roll snort growl cuss” and sleep.

  18. Was that a blog about an all CAT SLUMBER Party?!?!? FOR REAL?

    No, sleeping beside husbands/boyfriends/partners is NOT a slumber party. They blanket hog, snore and of course produce tear-inducing smells.
    Marriage is awesome.

  19. HA! I’ve been married for 2 and a 1/2 months and I am the one who so far has punched my husband in the face multiple times. But we are both blanket stealers and it can become an ugly droggy fight in the middle of the dark night.

  20. Are we married to the same guy? I used to be a sleeping rockstar, until I married my husband, who’s got insomnia and sleep apnea. If I’m not waking up to remind him to keep breathing, then I’m trying to drown out his snores. (Oh, god, THE SNORES.) Oh, and whenever I can’t sleep and I try to talk to him in the middle of the night, he’s like, “We don’t talk, we just stare at the ceiling and pretend to sleep.” WTF, man?

  21. Thanks for the late warning, Morgan… Curtis and I died laughing at your newest slumber party of doom memory. He says that I'm the one that keeps him up with lots of gibberish though. :)

  22. Throw in PTSD dreams and the yelling of commands men use in combat and you have my nights. Did I mention my husband got Medal of Honor today and "it's just like being in Afghanistan"?

  23. HAHAHA! I love your blog and I feel your pain. My hubby farts on me every. single. night. I have even tried spiking his food with Beano… it doesn’t work. 6 1/2 year of this torture. It’s a good thing he is a true prince charming during the day, because he is not charming at all when he’s asleep.

  24. OMGosh, lol! I don’t normally comment, but I just had to here. I have SO MANY of these stories too! My hubby is a crazy sleep talker/walker. On our honeymoon he woke me up saying “there is someone in the apartment!” and then fell back asleep while I am FREAKING out! Of course he had no memory. He punched me in the arm once (I was pregnant). He moved a dresser in our room away from the wall once (still pregnant here), he left for work before I got up and so when I got out of the shower I about had a hear attack thinking that someone had broken in and was hiding behind the dresser. I could go on…

  25. OMG….hilarious. just hilarious! but i have NO idea what you're talking about. those things dont really happen. right?? OR is it the part of "Happily Ever After" you NEVER seem to hear about?? i truly think a woman in denial wrote all the fairy tail endings. i mean if she had ever been married there is NO WAY she could end a story that way. think of all the little girls that dream of that special day when they get married and become a wife. its all bunnies and butterflies. no one ever told us we'd be fending for their lives in the middle of the night…. from our own husband. we Really should have been briefed on this stuff.

  26. Too funny! I love this post. I think most women can relate to it. I too have a husband with sleep issues. He will wake up or one of our three young children will wake us both up and one of two things will happen after I get up to take care of the child. Either he will go back to sleep and snore really loudly or he will not be able to sleep and toss and turn all night (or play with his phone). Consequently, I won’t get any sleep.

    There are good parts to marriage, but lack of sleep is not one of them. I don’t think I have had a really good night of sleep for seven plus years. It got worse once kids entered the picture.

    Hang in there…I wish you sweet dreams and a wonderful nights sleep.

  27. My husband also is a tosser&turner. We normally have a night a week where he wakes up, tells me something and then goes right back to sleep. When I mention it in the morning, he has no idea what I’m talking about. That’s fine for the times he mumbles something incoherent or even funny, but the times he wakes up and tells me something sweet – yeah, I get a little annoyed.

  28. ohhh man, TJ and I are just a mess in bed b/c the both of us are the combination of all of these things. Basically, he does all the scary loud farting & sleep talking about work in his sleep and I do all the punching and kicking and screaming while thinking I’m dying but then waking up & realizing it was all just a dream.

    Marriage is bliss.

  29. Hubby’s used to be bad about kneeing me more than anything, to the point where I changed sides of the bed, so I could face away from him while on my left side when I was pregnant. I still got kneed, but better me than the baby, right. Swapping from a double to a queen sized bed seems to have fixed the problem for the most part.

    It’s the twitching that keeps me up, but I’m sure that’s mostly due to Hubby being seizure prone. A little over a year ago, he forgot his meds and he went into a seizure about 3:30 a.m. Since he was asleep and therefore didn’t have the warning of an aura, there was no chance to take a Valium, so it was his worst one, ever so far as I know. He didn’t regain full control of himself until around 4:45 a.m. I didn’t sleep again that night, and to this day I wake up and stay awake for fifteen to twenty minutes every time he twitches in his sleep, whether he’s forgotten part of his meds during the day or not.

  30. Dave and I seriously try to kill each other in our sleep. And he hogs up the bed. But every other night we either elbow each other, punch, knee or scratch each other in our sleep. And we swear we love each other :)

  31. Haha! You are hilarious! My husband does the same thing while sleeping. Just the other night, he sat up all crazily asking where Audrey (my daughter) was. I said in her bed, where she should be and then he laid back down fast asleep. Weirdos!

  32. I wonder if he plays the same game that my Husband and friends are OBSESSED with, something to do with Killing Nazi Zombies? Hahaha.

  33. One of your best posts! hehe You are too freakin’ hilarious, M! Omg — and yes “late night video game marathons starring loud shooty things and husbands that yell obscenities … and cleaning up of billions of tiny man whiskers all over the bathroom” < —- sounds about right! Sigh. BOYS!

  34. Oh my gosh. I never want to share my bed. I am never getting marriedddd!!!!!! Thanks for helping me see the other side of things!

  35. As much as my boyfriend and I love our sleepovers I’m afraid I’m the slumber party pooper here. While he has woken me up with the most sour fart everrr, I have woken him up by punching him in the arm. Twice. Because in my dream, the first time just wasn’t hard enough. I’ve also nearly shoved him out of the bed when dreaming about defending myself from a giant bug. Basically I’m sleep walker/talker/actor so you never know what’s going to happen.

  36. Lol yes, so true… Hubby and I both have bad sleep habits… I am a minor insomniac and he sleep talks/walks… I think we both have sleep apnea lol… He quite often will loom over me in the middle of the night (while he is still asleep) and grab a pillow out of my arms, or jump up and try to catch a (not there) falling baby (only since we had our son 11 months ago)… Crazy men…

  37. O.M.G! This sounds like my husband to the t!!!! I always say I’m going to keep a journal of all the things he does at night while sleeping, but I always forget. Best memory ever: I’m sleeping soundly. All I feel is a grab on the front of my shirt and I fly off the bed straight to a corner of the room. He covers me and says in a hushed voice: “Shhh…they’re coming, don’t move.” Granted, he was in Iraq the year before.

  38. OMG!! I am literally crying from laughing so hard, I LOVE IT!! Now that I’m married I can so relate to this story! My husband talks in his sleep and tosses and turns to the point where I was sleeping so good I swore I was dreaming I was on a ship being hit by big waves!

    The talking part he wakes up half sleep of course and ask me”What did you say baby?” Now I’m sleep right? and he wakes me up to ask me this! SMH, yeah marriage gotta love it!!

  39. Oh another thing that gets me is when he leaves his clothes all over the place. He also leaves his shoes in the middle of the floor and his boxers on the floor at the foot of the laundry hamper! I get on him all the time about doing this crap, he must love when I (as he puts it) nag him!

  40. HA! I can so relate. No one warned me that marriage would be so… umm… stinky. Although I have never thrown up because of it… oh my. =/ At least it made for a pretty hilarious story, right?
    P.s. Just found your blog, & I’m loving it so far :)

    Becky

  41. I totally just laughed out loud at this one. The part about the bug on the ceiling. Not the fart. Farts are NOT funny! I feel your pain!

  42. Lol, I totally feel your pain about the fart. My husband and I were married in November of ’06, and at some point in December he let loose a smell so foul it woke me up out of a dead sleep. I never heard it, just smelled it. It was Winter in Wisconsin, but I had to open the window and take deep gulps of air.
    Sorry about the the grossness, but I felt you needed a little commiseration, even if it is almost a year later.

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