You can all pretty much come up with at least one movie that freaked that living crap out of you as a child, right? The sleeping-with-head-under-covers, unable-to-look-into-mirrors, jump-into-bed-from-10-feet-away kind? Yeah, I do too. It only took a minute for me to come up with a list of 5 to Justin, who, with eyes wide, nodded silently in agreement. We were both like, “YOU TOO!? HOLY MOTHER, SCARIEST MOVIE OF MY LIFE.”
So in very particular order, here are my top 5 scariest childhood movies:
5. Ernest Scared Stupid
Okay. I know this may make me seem like an incredibly huge wimp because Ernest movies are just about as un-scary as you can get, but THE TROLL. Holy mother, the TROLL. He turned kids into little dolls. Appeared in their bedrooms and turned. them. into. dolls. CAN’T HANDLE IT. As much as I hated this movie, I feel like I watched it at least 30 times as a kid for some reason. Why did I torture myself so?!
The first 30 seconds of this should explain.
And also, this photo…
4. The NeverEnding Story
Some people LOVE The NeverEnding Story, like my best friend in 3rd grade and her little sister. (Hi Jocelyn and Ellen!) There are so many disturbing things that happen, I just can’t even imagine why this was meant for kids to watch!
The horse getting sucked into the quicksand made me cry every time. Any time horses die, it’s over and the movie is dead to me. What about the huge statues in the desert with the big naked boobies? You know, the ones that SHOOT FREAKING LAZERS and fry people up like bacon? My friend would pop that movie in the VCR every time I’d come over for a slumber party and I always had to psyche myself up it for it. I’d be all, “Hold it together, Mo. Just another hour until it’s over and then we can — NOOOOO! DON’T LOOK INTO IT’S EYES!”…
“ATREYU, GET OUT OF THE WAY BEFORE IT EATS YOUR FACE!”
Then there’s the fact that I’m 25 years old and I still don’t understand what any of it meant.
Let me just say that whoever came up with the idea of Furbys was one sick mofo.
“Hey! Remember that movie from the 80’s with those creatures that turn evil and try to kill you if they eat after midnight? Well I just had an amazing idea for a children’s toy… and the best part? THEY TALK!”
Scarred. For. Life.
2. Hansel and Gretel
A lot of people haven’t seen this version of Hansel and Gretel. Basically, Cloris Leachman plays the witch who lures children to her gingerbread house, traps them in large cages, forces them to eat sweets to fatten up, then dips them in a large vat of batter and fries them in oil to become life-sized gingerbread cookies that she then eats. Not creepy at all.
The 6:00-7:00ish mark should put some hair on your chest:
I know you’re there… I CAN SMELL YOU!
1. Return to Oz
Easily, without any hesitation, the most frightening, disturbing, nightmare-inducing movie of my childhood AND adulthood.
Take a ride back to Oz with Dorothy Gail and her talking chicken. There you will see the ruins that was once the beautiful Emerald City, where headless dancing women have been turned to stone.
Look out for the wheelers! Those guys’ll getcha!
And if you happen to find yourself in a room full of disembodied heads, try not to make too much noise.
Holy frick. I just peed a little.
Having to search for these photos made me relive the horrors and I actually found myself covering up the computer screen with my hand. Not even kidding.
So there they are, people. The five creepiest movies of my young life. What are yours?