That awkward moment when you explain why you’re teaching your husband to flirt with other women.
23rd
2012
I’ll just back up a smidge and give you all a history lesson. Bear with me through this part. And read the whole thing so you don’t end up hating my husband.
Justin and I had a pretty rough start to our relationship. I’m not sure if I’ve ever told the whole story on this blog, but we met on Myspace back when it was cool. Or was it ever cool? Fine, back when it wasn’t just a wasteland of sixpack abs photos. I was a sensitive and very emotional young woman of 19 and wasn’t exactly what you would classify as emotionally stable. Justin was nearly 5 years older and at first glance, seemed to have had some experience with the tan bimbos of Skankville.
Like a moth to the flame, I was drawn to his comment archives. And okay, I hacked into his email a few times. I went ALL the way back, people. I tried to connect the dots and figure out who was who and which girl was the one he kissed once and why were there 10 others telling him he’s cute and why are they calling him Pumpkin and HOW IN THE HOLY FRICK do they know where he lives and sweet Moses, it was spiraling out of control. In my head I had built up this scary version of Justin that was like a mash up of Dane Cook, Adam Levine and Jon Hamm’s character in Bridesmaids.
So after several years, this Myspace thing has turned into a joke between Justin and I. I can safely say Justin is no playboy. When you hear some of the stories about what happened with these girls, you would laugh at how awkward the situations actually were. My husband is actually is one of the most socially awkward and shy people on the planet. I’ve seen girls flirt with him and he just stands there and acts confused, then usually ends up saying something in an attempt to be witty, but just ends up insulting the poor woman. I love it a lot, actually.
And me? Well I grew up a bit. Not THAT much, seeing as I’ll still hack an email account every now and then, but who doesn’t? This is America. Criminy.
END HISTORY LESSON.
All that leads to this: After joking with Justin the other night about his so-called Playboy years, I suggested we do an experiment. He’s always saying how much more at ease I am in social situations, so I offered up my services to help Justin cope with his awkwardness.
His first test? Flirt with an attractive woman without stuttering.
On Sunday morning while in line for coffee at the Dutch Brothers drive thru, I said, “Okay, here’s your opportunity. Flirt with this girl. Don’t be nervous, you can do it!”
He’s all, “I wasn’t nervous until you said ‘don’t be nervous’! I don’t know what to say!”
I said, “Ask her what DutcH2O is.” (We had previously discussed whether it was flavored water or something somewhat special because $1.50 is too much for plain water.)
After several minutes, he finally worked up the courage. He leaned out his window, smiled and nervously said, “I… have a question for you… what is DutcH2O?” Smooth.
The girl gave him the side eye and said, “It’s water…?” then went back to making drinks without saying another word. SO FANTASTICALLY INCREDIBLY AWKWARDLY BAD. Oh man, I snort-laughed. Though I have to admit, I’m not the least bit disappointed that Justin can’t flirt. If that situation would have gone differently, you better believe 19 year old Morgan would’ve made an appearance and sent that girl some anonymous hate mail. That’s my M.O. and a story for another day.
We’ll continue to work on Justin’s confidence and social skills and keep you informed of his progress. Any ideas for what his next test should be? I was thinking to send him out to buy a box of tampons and some chocolate. You know, for the experience and all.
lmao. My husband is the exact same way, except I was his first everything… seriously! I’m sometimes amazed he had the courage to talk to me at all. Now when other girls flirt with him I laugh because dude doesn’t even notice, he’s oblivious. Ah well, it’s probably a good thing because like you, I’d hunt them down and threaten them… out of pure goodness, mind you. ;)
on February 23rd, 2012 at 11:51 am
You never cease to crack me up.
on February 23rd, 2012 at 11:52 am
OK how did I not know that you also met your husband on MySpace? We need an official club or something.
Also – Dave has no game either. He likes to think he does, but he’s a big dork.
on February 23rd, 2012 at 11:53 am
HAHA, this is so true. I love it. Nerdy husbands FTW (had to throw in the ftw, because, yeah.)
on February 23rd, 2012 at 12:47 pm
HAHAHA @ Skankville. My husband and I met on MySpace when it was cool too! And now that FB is the cool thing, he has a few old Skankville girls on his page who I will (only once and a while, I swear) stalk. I know better, but I can’t help it, I’m a little psycho like that. :)
on February 23rd, 2012 at 1:21 pm
Oh, and what about a work wife? Does Justin have one of those?
on February 23rd, 2012 at 1:21 pm
I love everything about this (and add me to the nerdy husbands group, my dude also has zero game.)
on February 23rd, 2012 at 1:25 pm
HILARIOUS!! If he hasn’t learned his lesson yet, perhaps his next venture should be to Victoria’s Secret. (Just make sure you take some video footage to share with the rest of us.) Oh, and my husband can’t flirt either, thankfully.
on February 23rd, 2012 at 3:49 pm
I loved this! My hubby has zero game too. I would love to see him try and flirt with a girl. It’s endearing, really.
on February 23rd, 2012 at 6:21 pm
That is so amazingly hilarious. I had a similar thing with my husband. All built up in my head that he was some player. Boy was I wrong….
on February 23rd, 2012 at 10:21 pm
hahahahahahaaha this is hilarious!! it took my boyfriend 10 years to tell me he was in love with me (we are/were best friends) and he was drunk! he has no flirting skills either!! he always gets nervous when I go out but I encourage to go out with the guys, flirt cause I know he won’t/can’t!
poor guys!!!! You should send him to hooters and see how he acts!!
on February 24th, 2012 at 6:38 am
I’m so glad to see several other ladies met their husbands on Myspace. When people ask my husband and I how we met I usually get so embarrassed but apparently it’s more common than I thought. Anyway, don’t you think you need to hide the fact (or feel guilty for) hacking into your husbands stuff. As a wife you are entitled to get your hack on any time you see fit, that is an unspoken rule of marriage by golly! I love that your husband is too shy and awkward to flirt even when you’ve provided the opening line for him. Too adorable!
on February 24th, 2012 at 7:14 am
Holy cow, this cracked me up! I look forward to hearing how this experiment goes, lol.
on February 24th, 2012 at 3:11 pm
You’re the best…who doesn’t hack and email. This is America!? Morganisms
on February 24th, 2012 at 7:34 pm
my husband and I met on myspace as well – years ago.. when it was cool.. or at least new or something. Better than frienster.com? Whatever… but yeah I was always SO worried about all the girls commenting on his page… so I started to go through them all. I never hacked is email BUT I did make sure I figured out who each and every woman on his page was. Most of them were friend’s with his roommate – a few were girls that were smitten with him. My husband isn’t socially awkward he just doesn’t know when girls are truly flirting with him. Girls could throw themselves at him and if he wasn’t into them he’d just pass. Makes me feel good knowing I made the cut, he’s no player but this whole post just made me think of him. Whew… can you imagine if we did find the Douches of Myspace… ick!
on February 27th, 2012 at 4:20 pm
HA! I thought Jon to be a druggie skater boy when I met him. Turns out he just really liked to wear the hood up on his hooded sweatshirt. Oh first impressions!
on March 1st, 2012 at 8:46 pm
Haha! My fiance sure as hell doesn’t need help flirting. Once in the beginning of our relationship (during a drunken homecoming), he informed me he could *f* any girl in the bar. I promptly took him home :)
on March 2nd, 2012 at 9:37 am
This post cracked me up, especially imagining it all play out in my mind haha! Poor Justin, I love it hahah!!
on March 6th, 2012 at 12:18 pm