Rage Mopping: A Tale of Domestic Insanity

I am woman, hear me roar… Roar in your stupid face if you mess up my clean floor. That was an unintentional rhyme, but let’s just go with it.

I don’t know what it is about a dirty floor that drives me so crazy, except yes I do know exactly what it is about a dirty floor that drives me so crazy.

1) It looks gross.

2) It feels gross.

3) IT IS FREAKING GROSS.

You are walking barefoot through last night’s dinner, the dead skin cells of every person who has stepped foot in your house, your hair, your husband’s hair, your kids’ hair, your pet’s hair (which gags me more than anything else in the universe) and tiny little bug corpses. I’m not even stepping foot in the disgusting imaginary bathroom right now because you all know more than anyone else what is on that floor, especially if you have men/boys living with you.

(psst… it’s pee!)

WE HAVE NOW REACHED SOARING HEIGHTS OF GAG

This is the part that confuses me. I love a clean floor, but I HATE to actually clean it. I’m talking raw, angryfist, elbow-throwing, throat-punching hatred. There are several reasons why this is so. You may now enter my world of weirdness…

First of all, the kids and husband don’t stop moving all day, therefore leaving me the lovely time slot of 12am – 6am to complete the task. I guess I could literally lose sleep over a dirty floor, but I’d rather not.

Secondly, it requires me to move my arms, which is not such a bad thing except that rapid arm movement produces ample sweat in the pits. I don’t like to amply sweat unless I’m working out because it causes unnecessary shower-taking and hair-washing, which turns into unnecessary blow drying and styling… which I will have you know is the 2nd most hated thing in all of my life. My day just starts to get out of hand with the whole premature arm-moving thing.

I will, however, do the whole “spot mop” thing with a rag under each foot and pretend like I’m rollerblading through the kitchen 8 times a day, but will not take the actual mop out to just get it done all at once.

Also, if I take the time to clean it properly, I just know someone is going to walk through the room with dripping wet hands (JUSTIN, USE THE HAND TOWEL, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY) or a cup of drippy juice, so I guess I wait until there’s enough build up of miscellaneous drippings before I go insane enough to bust out the mop.

So according to all my weirdnesses, I would have to workout at midnight when everyone is alseep, be gross enough after the workout to take out the mop and use my already-sweaty arms to drag it across the floor, then take a shower and wash all the sweat, sorrows and miscellaneous floor drippings down the drain.

O

C

D

So what usually happens is I wait until the floor is truly horrible and gag-inducing, bad enough to send me into mop rage. I’ll put the kids down for a nap/shut them in their room with cookies if they won’t cooperate (a useful bribery tool), clean the floor at speeds reachable only by the Starship Enterprise, occasionally yell down the hall at the kids to STAY IN THE ROOM UNLESS YOU WANT TO SLIP AND BUST YOUR HEAD OPEN, and then sit down, relax and admire my sparkling floors. Then yell at everyone for the next month that they better not drip anything because I just spent a whole 12 hard minutes cleaning that thing. Rinse, repeat.

WHY do I do this to myself?? And to my family? They’re probably all huddled in one of the bedrooms thinking I’m insane. Or plotting some sort of cruel joke to send me into a hissy fit. “Jack, you go crumble up those Goldfish and sprinkle them down the hall. Make it look like an accident. I’m going to go work on the entry with some mud. She’ll flip out and make that crazy face… it’s going to be hilarious!”

Is it really so bad to just mop once a week? I think everyone has their chore that they absolutely can’t stand and will put off until it drives them nuts.

My name is Morgan and I rage mop. What do you do?

Real I [heart] Mopping shirt available at Zazzle, not that anyone in the history of the world has every purchased it because that would just be psycho. Not that I know anything about what it means to be psycho. Do-do-dooo…

 

26 thoughts on “Rage Mopping: A Tale of Domestic Insanity

  1. Ok seriously, I am TOTALLY there with you! We had carpet in our old apartment, and I was totally down with vacuuming once a week. And it was kinda gross, what the vacuum picked up, but I wasn’t that fussed about doing it.

    Now we live in an apartment with hardwood floors and I am absolutely horrified at how dirty they get! I can’t even believe that there was that much cat hair etc. in our carpets at the old place. I thought maybe our cats just became more “shed-y” but that’s probably not the case…

    And I refuse to mop. So I walk around in house slippers every single day between when I wake up and when I go to work. And I put them on as soon as I get home until I go to sleep. Cuz eww, who wants to step on that?! Blech.

  2. I hate cleaning the bathrooms. I’m the only girl living with two boys – so yeah. Disgusting! I’m doing well if I mop once/week, it’s usually more like every two or sometimes even three weeks. I spot clean (especially under my son’s chair!) almost every day but that’s it :)

  3. Jaimie is right. The Libman mop is great. Easy peasy. I have a friend who has a steam mop and really likes it for her tile floor. I also have a Shark cordless vac for the crumbs. Also easy. (We have a pattern here.)

  4. Bathrooms gross me out. We have 3 (thank little baby Jesus for that!), and I’ve banned all 4 penises in my house from using my toilet. I’ve taken to keeping a container of antibacterial cleaning wipes on the backs of the toilets and am currently brainwashing said penis-wielders to grab one and wipe down any splatter/overspray/altitude-induced-dribble/bad-aim that may be lurking after their business is done. I’m trying to make them all sit the Shrek down, but apparently, all males love to perform the post-pee-weenie-shake, so that’s not going well.

    As for the kitchen floor – thankfully it’s only about 10 square feet! The boys paper/rock/scissors for the vacuum, broom and sponge. Once they have taken off the first 3 layers of their grime, I can get to bidness wit the scrub brush and bleach solution!

  5. Jessi: Oh man, I know what you mean about the carpets. I live in denial about how bad they really are and what lurks beneath the surface! And slippers are a brilliant idea!

    Jamie & Gail: Thank you for the suggestions, ladies! I’ve never owned a good mop!

    Holly: Under the chairs! Yes! If I can’t make it to any other chore that day, I will clean up the orange mac and cheese crust from the ground under the chairs. It’s crazy how fast those spots get dirty!

    Julie: You sound like you have those 4 penises under control, woman! I could learn a thing or 12 from you.

  6. You NEED the Shark Steamer Mop. We got one for our wedding a year ago for our newly tiled kitchen floors (oh, they’re still not done btw…) and it makes cleaning the nasty floor so much easier than mopping! Fill the container with water, let it warm up for 30 seconds, push/pull across the floor, let cool, put away until next time… Super painless!

    (or a year to Molly Maids for x-mas!!)

  7. I hear you!! My husband & even his friends know better then to muck up my floors after I’ve cleaned them. I also understand rage cleaning in general. I’m fine with cleaning if I’m left alone..maybe I’ll even listen to my ipod…it’s not so bad. If you get in my way it’s a different story all my “I’m stuck cleaning & your not” frustration comes out. Once my hubby decided to tickle me while I was doing the dishes & I almost hit with a frying pan…I may have issues.

  8. I’m in LOVE LOVE with my lil swiffer vac(use it at least once or twice a day).

    and I’m thrilled with my bona mopping system. SO easy and lightweight, a kid can do it. it’s thereaupetic to me and it’s nontoxic for pets and kids.

    haha, now you have all our unwanted opinions. sorry about that. channel that OCD, girl! Much love.

  9. Lisa: YOU AND I ARE SOULMATES. Justin tried to mess with me last night while I was washing dishes and couldn’t understand why I was being so tense. Um, trying to work here and you’re 1) not offering to help and 2) making it harder for me to get it done. RAGE

  10. Laundry! Laundry is the bane of my existence, especially with two small girls who are getting picky about their clothes. They’re the forth and fifth girls on Hubby’s side of the family this generation and the only grand babies on my side, so there’s no shortage of hand-me-downs and new cutsie outfits. I can literally spend three days just washing their clothes while Hubby and I dwindle down to our last clean set.

    I flat out refuse to iron. Not after getting woken at five in the morning to iron Mom’s clothes several days a week back in high school. Nu uh!

    I hear you on floors though. I think I end up sweeping once or twice a day and vacuuming every other day most of the time. Double that if it’s coming up on craft fairs or we’re doing projects that week. Homeschooling for elementary students can be rough on a kitchen!

  11. Lisa, yes! Either help or get out, right? And music helps a TON to keep the cleaning grumps at bay. Though oddly enough, half the songs on my cleaning playlist are kinda angry sounding. The silly ones balance it out a bit though. ;)

  12. I hate doing the dishes. I let them pile up all day and sometimes overnight and then I rage dishes. I slam them around and the cupboards as I’m putting stuff away. Then there is the baby trying to put all of the dirty dishes into his mouth (gag) as I load them into the dishwasher and I spend half the washing time picking him up and carrying him back to the livingroom while he screams bloody murder (because I am such a horrible mom for not letting him put nasty germy dishes in his mouth and removing him from the situation). I have issues. It would just be so much easier if I put the dishes away as soon as they were done in the dishwasher and then rinsed and loaded as we used stuff throughout the day.

  13. This was was freaking hysterical and you couldn’t have said it better. Pet hair drives me freaking crazyyyyy. Then the dog will take a huge drink of water and drip it all across the kitchen floor I just mopped. I actually just mopped yesterday and I made sure we went out to eat so that my precious floors could stay clean for at least a day.

  14. oh my word!!!! I am wetting myself laughing!!! This has got to be THE most funniest post EVER! plus what makes it even funnier is that I can SOOOOO relate!!

    I swear, it was like reading about myself!! I do exactly the same thing! “occasionally yell down the hall at the kids to STAY IN THE ROOM UNLESS YOU WANT TO SLIP AND BUST YOUR HEAD OPEN, and then sit down, relax and admire my sparkling floors. Then yell at everyone for the next month that they better not drip anything because I just spent a whole 12 hard minutes cleaning that thing. Rinse, repeat.”

    oh man, that was good! (wiping tears away)What is it with us? I am like you, dirt freaks me out, dirty floors even more so. I honestly want to take photos after I have mopped the floor sometimes because I know it will shine in its brief glory for all of 30 minutes if I am lucky!

    PS I can totally relate to the sweaty pit thing, i hate it unless I am at gym and I have a reason.
    My pet hate is cleaning toilets, it makes me gag more than a dirty floor!

  15. Once a week is FINE. I live with my sister for financial reasons, it’s her house and I literally have stopped eating there altogether to avoid feeling compelled to clean up after her. If she started cleaning once a week, I can’t even imagine how that would change my life at this point. When I lived on my own, my ex boyfriend came over and complimented my clean floors. He was a MAN and that’s how serious I was about clean floors. Now I just kind of look up if I have to walk into the kitchen. I think it was last mopped at um, Easter? and there are dogs and my sister gardens. Once a week, totally acceptable.

  16. Maybe I’m missing something here, Melios, but wouldn’t it make everyone happier if you gave the floor a quick mopping every other day or once a week? Since you are the princess of clean floors and like doing it, what a blessing that would be for you both. Clearly she struggles and it would be a nice way to repay her for the hospitality. It would take you maybe 15 minutes max… maybe less since you’re such a whiz at it. Just an idea.

  17. This is hi-larious and literally made me LOL so loudly that I woke up my sleeping babe.

    It was worth it.

  18. i love youuuuu. the best part of this was imagining everyone plotting against the floors. haha! I frequently cook and do kitcheny things with paper towels under my feet, because I am a floor loon. Also? the paper footie things that cable men wear? I’m for those, like all the time. ;)

  19. This is HILARIOUS. I’m a total rage cleaner. The noisier the better. Cleaned the entire 1st floor at 11 last night. :)

  20. Dude, I’m with you. I love my dark floors but g-damn do they not show every.little.thing. The dogs know to stay on the stair landing while momma goes crazy, but I can’t quite get my husband to stay too. Do you think he doesn’t understand the word stay? Or should I also bribe him with beer and/or peanut butter?

  21. Oh Morgan you are hilarious! I am right there with you on the mopping thing. It is my least favorite chore! Probably because I think everything else has to be cleaned first, then floors last (OCD). I have two different mops for my floors. One is a a refillable mop by O Cedar, like a swiffer, but you can fill it with whatever you want and the pad is washable. I use this when I notice a glob or two of stickiness on the floor but don’t want to do the whole thing. My second mop is a steam mop by Oreck. This thing is great! Easy to use, and gets my floor squeaky clean. But I still only pull it out every couple (ok 3) weeks. Thanks to this post I actually mopped my floors on Monday :)

  22. ok, don’t punch me, but I really love cleaning the floors. Mopping, sweeping…you name it! BUT I don’t have to worry about two kiddos getting in the way of my cleaning flow. I will give you a good ole slow clap for your late night/early morning mopping. My chore of disdain is putting fresh sheets on the bed. GRrrrrr

  23. I hate dirty floors and I also refuse to clean them — for all the reasons you outlined and also because even after mopping, scrubbing, steaming, etc — they still seem grimy. It’s hard to get them really clean.

    We do have the shark steamer mop. My husband uses it religiously on our floors — but you know what? I don’t get what the fuss is about, everyone says it’s like a miracle mop but we’ve been using it for 3 years and I don’t think it cleans that well.

    Anyway, I love your blog – just found it. Very funny!

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