The Humiliation Series: Memoirs of a 5th Grade Spy

Hi friends. We are friends, right? Who stand by each other through thick and thin? For better or worse? Even though one of us might be more than a little loco? Okay, remember that as you read on.

BFF

I’d like to introduce you to a very important part of my childhood.

I found it a few days ago in a box full of old keepsakes and miscellaneous junk. As soon as I caught a glimpse of that black and white splattered cover, ominously peeking out from beneath some photos, I let out a quiet gasp and whispered, “Oh no…”

You see, back in elementary school, I was a tad obsessed with the movie Harriet the Spy.

I remember sitting in the theater and wondering why I hadn’t come up with the idea spying on everyone. It was brilliant! Harriet was my hero. I took mental notes while watching it and knew immediately I wanted to have my own notebook to write down all the very important things my very silly 5th grade self discovered. I begged my mom to buy me this notebook as soon as we got out of the theater. I was a spy, called to action. This was my destiny.

I started by giving a warning to whoever might try to sneak a peek into my private notes.

Do you feel threatened yet? That kind of gave me some spine tingles.

Over the next hundred pages, stuff got real. This thing started filling up quick… there was just so much vital knowledge I had to document!

I even spied on my then-seven year old brother.

You obviously can’t read that crap because 11 year old me used pencils LIKE A CHILD. What kind of a crappy spy… anyway.┬áLet me translate:

SPY TIME!

Daniel – I’m hiding in his closet, waiting for him to return to his room. He’s looking for me now.

He’s in his room, burping! GROSS! He’s talking to himself and singing “Wild Thing.”

(He’s still singing!)

He’s making squishy noises in his mouth. GROSS!!

Oh, no! He caught me!

CIA, if you’re looking for a new agent with exceptional sneaky skills, you know where to find me.

I’ve gone through the entire notebook and have chosen several more pages to share with you all. Unfortunately, my top secret Spice Girls files, my stalker-status shrine I dedicated to my 6th grade crush, “The Invention Zone” and multiple drawings of my Tamagotchi will have to wait until another day. Until then, here’s something for you, my dear BFF.

(You remembered you still love me right? Because things are about to get weirder.)

 

20 thoughts on “The Humiliation Series: Memoirs of a 5th Grade Spy

  1. Yeeeees. I was totally Harriet the Spy for character day.. or something. Good times, sitting in the far corner of the play yard scribbling down random stuff. Not dorky at all.

  2. This makes me so happy. I read the book before I saw the movie and wanted to be Harriet SO BADLY. I even bought the book again off Amazon last year to read it again, I love it so much.

    Why was she so awesome? Also, why did she eat tomato sandwiches? Weirdo.

  3. I totally had one of these notebooks too!! Me and my friend Hannah were obsessed with Harriet the Spy! I came across my old notebook a few years back and I definitely cried laughing at the stuff I wrote. This posting is so funny! I’m going to go look for my notebook again.

  4. Ok, leave it to me to focus on your maiden name, which also happens to be my married name. What a dork.

    You know, I spied, but I kept it all in a MENTAL (in more ways than one!) notebook…

  5. That is so cute! I don’t think I had a “spy” journal or a journal when I was younger. I do now, lol. That is the cutest good luck charm ever!

  6. HAHAHA That is hilarious! I commend you for being brave enough to post that. I’m too embarassed to even look at my own childhood journals.

  7. Okay, this totally made my life. I HAD A HARRIET THE SPY NOTEBOOK, TOO. How were we not best friends back then? I mean, honestly.

    The awkward part was that I lived in the forest, basically, and the only thing to spy on were the greenhouses at the end of our driveway. Things got pretty crazy up in my notebook, clearly.

    “Plants are growing.

    Plants are still growing.

    I HEARD A NOISE.

    Wait, no. Just the plants.”

  8. I think posts like these are some of the many reasons why we DO love you. :)

    also, reading this makes me want to go find out all my old poetry notebooks from this era of my life.

    being 11 was totally awesome, wasn’t it??

  9. :) I did this too. And now my 4 year old daughter loves the movie and has a spy notebook. She just writes her name and random letters but still… so cute!

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