This is why we can’t have nice things

Now that our town has somewhat cooled down and no longer feels like the the Lake of Fire at 9 in the morning, I decided it was time to get these kids out of the house and go for a walk. FINALLY. I swear, after being stuck in the house all summer, I was starting to go completely loco. I feel like when I’m not around other people for just a few days, my social skills seem to spiral downward fast and I kind of forget how to carry on a conversation with big humans. By the end of September, I had reached the point where I couldn’t talk to another adult without getting distracted by my own thoughts of secretly wanting to clean their face off with a baby wipe.

PROBLEM.

Ariel’s intense eye contact is creeping me out right now, man. Anyway. We went on a walk this morning because the kids and I needed to get out. As I have stated before, our neighborhood isn’t the fanciest and I was expecting to have a conversation with at least one person of the toothless variety by the time we got to Starbucks around the corner. (I’m sorry, but Ariel! I am just really distracted by the staring.) Thankfully, no run-ins with any crazies this time. Just a little trip to cake pop heaven.

I know you’re all waiting for the big reveal. What happened today to make me crawl out of my hidey hole? Nothing super exciting, just this:

Wonder why I’m in socially awkward baby wipe mom mode all the time? I stepped into the other room for two minutes, he found my lipstick stash hidden in the bathroom and smeared it all over the cupboards and the floor/TV/entertainment stand in the living room. Jack brings death and destruction to all things sacred to me. YES MY LIPSTICK IS SACRED DON’T EVEN. Please join me in a moment of silence.

He finds joy in hiding my nice jewelry too. Sometimes I find my bracelets, rings and other various treasures in his toy box, under the couch or in the tupperware drawer. Many are still missing and will never be seen again. Jack also enjoys digging around in the trashcan in hopes of finding treasure. Treasure usually ends up scattered throughout the kitchen and dining room. I can’t put into words how awesome this toddler stage is, guys!

Oh and last night, you want to know what he did? Jack threw money in the toilet. No, he LITERALLY THREW MONEY IN THE TOILET. I’m not kidding, Justin found a a $2 bill floating in there. Yes, we had a $2 bill just laying around. And it was flushed down. You’re welcome, economy. Please don’t send my son to jail for defacing currency.

Or do, that’s fine. Just make sure to tell the other inmates to hide their lipstick because NOTHING IS SACRED ANYMORE.

13 thoughts on “This is why we can’t have nice things

  1. NO!!!! There are few things that would upset me like my kid trashing my makeup. It seems trivial, but its OURs. I’d die. And of course it’s the good stuff. You poor thing. I’ll send you some lip butters. ;)

  2. Henry is obsessed with throwing everything in the trash. I am so sick of fishing out the big kids’ toys and my stuff from the sick trash and having to wash it and sanitize it. He also rips up every book we own. I’m tired of taping them. Then there’s the screams of what I am sure are profanity and curses at me in his own baby language said in the utmost anger accompanied by thrown hard objects at my head or smacking me. I hate this stage.

  3. You and your “little family” are priceless. It always amazes me that the smart, sweet, shy little girl that I finally met in Mississippi (although I heard your sweet little cry when I called your Mom right after she brought you home from the hospital) is this talented, poised, accomplished mother and writer who I am so very proud of. Although I’m not surprised ~ you having amazing examples in both your Mother and Grandmother. <3

  4. you kill me.

    the whole baby wipe on the face thing. hilar. i was out taking pictures of a family today, and i got home and found something stuck to the corner of my mouth and a black eyelash glued to my cheek. and my hair had brambles. I’m sure the parents in that family were secretly wishing to wipe my face with a baby wipe. haaaaaaa.

  5. Wow, he’s gotten so big! I’m a little bit anxious about the future of my belongings as well, as my son seems to be one of those kids who likes to crawl everywhere and bang things together. I sense a little destroyer…

    And Ariel… I used to love her when I was younger, but man… My girl is going to have to play with Playmobil and Dupo as long as I’m able to keep her away from the doll section of the toy store.

  6. Okay – and I say this with love – GET SOME CABINET LOCKS!!! With my son (firstborn) we didn’t have to lock ANYTHING. He didn’t get into cabinets, didn’t play with electrical outlets, didn’t put anything into his mouth, EVER. But now, with my daughter, it is the complete opposite. She would be in every cabinet, every drawer, every outlet, if she were able to. She puts EVERYTHING into her mouth, so had it been my lipstick and my cabinet roaming daughter – it not only would’ve been all over everything we own, but she would’ve eaten half of it, too. Definite ER trip. So, seriously, buy those little cabinet locks at Target…they take about 30 minutes to install on every cabinet/drawer in your house (and we have a lot of storage) and they are a sanity saver…trust me. I can walk out of a room and not have a heart attack 3 minutes later at what she’s gotten into.

    With all that said…HILARIOUS account of what happened. I’m sorry, I laughed so much at the pictures that I almost shot yogurt out my nose…which I’m certain would have been quite painful! :) Keep them coming!

  7. I don’t comment that often, but I read all your posts. I only wish you posted more, but I know you’re busy doing stuff like rage mopping. (I also rage mop — I totally identified with that.)

    Just wanted to say though, almost every post of yours is so funny I laugh until I cry. It’s hands down the funniest blog I have ever read. Thank you for injecting some much-needed humor into my life! :)

    Bethany

  8. Ok, you love drugstore makeup like me so I had to be sure you knew of this deal! Drugstore.com is offering 40% off all makeup! Use code makeup40. Now until 10/20/12. If you use ebates, it’s an additional 12% back in the next quarter. Scored a bunch of Wet N Wild for ridiculously cheap :)

  9. My little Olivia is of the same branch of the little-bit-of-the-devil-inside tree. Today I had to stop nursing the baby because she was trying to put mascara and concealer on the dog. Mascara was like the $5 stuff but HOLY MOSES MY $$$ CONCEALER. I HAVE A BABY, THAT SHIT IS NECESSARY. Now there’s mascara in my concealer and it will just replace my dark circles with new dark circles. Le Sigh.

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