#idontevenknowrightnow

I’m not gonna lie, 2015 is not my fave right now. It’s not at all what I was expecting going into the new year. At the end of last year, certain things started bubbling to the surface that I was finding joy in doing — some new forms of creativity that I had set on the shelf since childhood that were beginning to reawaken. Dreams I didn’t even know were inside me began to emerge. And that was so exciting! From the outside, I may have seemed like I had things under control (maybe not? I don’t even know anymore), but I’ve never really felt like I knew what my purpose was in this life. So yeah, 2014 brought some little nuggets with it that gave me a liiiiittle more direction in that way, but this year? It’s just bringing out all sorts of ugh.

If He’s the potter and I’m the clay, I feel like the driest, crumbliest piece of dog poop mixed with clay that He found in the back under a sloppy pile of cockroach barf. It’s a refining season right now, as I’ve been encouraged to see it, but man, it just feels like there’s nothing really solid or sure in my life right now. I know this is kind of vague, but like seriously everything about who I thought I was as a person, wife, mom, sister, daughter, friend is turning out to be… just I don’t even know. These feelings! WHERE ARE THEY COMING FROM!? Deep down hurts and anger and rawr all coming to the surface at the most random times! It’s throwing me off, for real.

I’ll give you guys a tame example. Back around Christmas we didn’t have a ton of funds so I wanted to try to make gifts. I thought, since I had just discovered a new love for watercolor, I’d try making my Mom a little something. I painted some flower collage thing and was all “I’m going to be vulnerable in giving something imperfect as a gift”, because where I’m coming from, that would have been a never-in-a-million-years thing because in my mind, it would have made me look weak and imperfect. So when the time came for me to wrap it, I started out all pumped because I was stretching myself to even give something like that away, but before I even cut the wrapping paper, I turned into Hulk. Like, if you saw how many emotions came up when I was about to actually hand over a piece of “art” — which, in all honesty SUCKED — to my mother as a Christmas gift, you would suggest a mental hospital. Justin was across the table from me when I was crying, listening lovingly as I was going on and on about how stupid she’s going to think it is and how much I suck at this and I can’t bring myself to give it to her… and he sweetly encouraged me and reminded me of the truth. I went ahead and gave her the stupid thing.

My Mom said she loved it and was so gracious when she opened it which helped a little, but I still wasn’t convinced it was anything of value at all. The next time I walked into their house, I looked on the entry table and lo and behold, there sat my little stupid painting! Now how would you feel in that situation? “Awww, Mom loves me, lame painting skills and all! Happy happy rainbow chip frosting delight!” Ohhh no. My gosh you guys, I snapped. My ugly painting was not only on display, but on display for everyone who walks into their home to see FIRST THING. I went home and raged quietly in the comfort of my own bedroom, but I mean. Issues, much?

I won’t even go into all the body image wonderfulness that’s surfacing at the moment because it’s much too raw and I don’t want to subject anyone’s eyeballs to that kind of word assault right now. Just, wow. I never realized I had so much suppressed junk in there that I was carrying around with me all this time. I know it’s good that it’s coming up to the surface because that means healing is happening. It just doesn’t feel like what I thought healing would feel like. I’m determined to press on through this season though, which is a big thing for me as a former quitter. This crap is tough, but I’m not going through it just to give up partway.

 

10 thoughts on “#idontevenknowrightnow

  1. Been reading your blog for years and even though you don’t post often anymore, I still keep you on my feedly. You are AWESOME. Don’t let anyone or anything (hormones?) make you feel otherwise.
    xxx

  2. Your hashtag is my life. I feel like I just read my own thoughts. I’ve been staying home since the birth of my son (who is about to turn three, what?!) and just a few months ago I was finally in “dude-I’ve-got-this-adulting-thing-DOWN” bliss, and it has all come crashing down around me in the past 12 or so weeks. I completely feel like the poop/clay mixture you talked about, and when you said you knew healing was happening, it brought tears to my eyes, because I hadn’t thought about it in that way, but healing is what I desperately need. Praying you get your groove back soon. And thankful that you shared this today. Hug emoticons for days,
    Erin

  3. I’m there too! I mean I always knew that my family was crazy, but last year I really realized it and now I’m dealing with all my junk that I inherited because of it. The dog poop clay analogy pretty much sums things up.

  4. Man. That has been the hardest part of being a new Christian (4ish years) for me. Letting go of ALL THE ANGER and feelings of insufficiency I have about family, myself, everything. I am a gosh darn professional at bottling up everything and I spent 20 some years honing that skill. And it’s so hard to dislike so many things about yourself and then realize somebody still loves you absolutely perfectly even though they know all the stuff. Even the stuff you think in your head and don’t say, not even to your husband. So yeah. I’m there with you.

  5. I hope you know that you are not alone. I always hold to the belief that there is balance in the universe, so when you get to the other side of this you can expect some amazing things. The line that struck me was when you said, “Healing is happening”. Remember that. I’ve followed your blog a long time and wish you joy. Please don’t hesitate to check with your doctor, there’s no need to let these feelings continue without seeking help. You seem like an amazing person and you should have an amazing life. We are all broken people in some way, struggling to carry our baggage. I truly hope you have a turn around soon. Thank you for being so open about your feelings- We all need to do more of that. Blessings!

  6. I thought of one more thing- if your daughter brought you a painting that she made herself, how would you feel about it? I bet you would be so proud to have it and display it prominently. Even though you are all grown up, I bet your mom is so impressed by the art you gave her. You, spending the time to make the painting, her proudly displaying it, that’s some beautiful love flowing between the two of you! Cherish that!

  7. I completely understand where you are coming from. Maybe there’s something about 2015 that is supposed to be transitional and transformative? I am in that same space, right now. Keep trying to nurture your interests. It’s hard with kids, but you’re still you! <3

  8. Yes, and Amen. I understand these feelings. And they suck. I feel like my ugliness and selfishness has become so much more apparent this year. Praying for growth.
    Hugs to you!

  9. love your honesty. keep diggin mama. it’s worth getting all this crap up. I’m realizing becoming a Mom totally brings up all this fun stuff you haven’t dealt with… -_-
    so yeah. I feel ya.

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