Just thought I’d share with you all a super simple recipe for making these adorable emoji cookies! Aren’t they perfect?? I mean, I really did an amazing job. I am like a super talented baker and can do all things perfectly the first time I try! All you other bakers out there — listen up! It’s time to walk away from your pastry dreams. Just give up. I’m about to take the world by storm with my culinary handiwork and there’s just no room in this business for sub-par. I would just make you look bad and then you’d be all embarrassed and then I’d feel bad for embarrassing you and it would just be awkward all around. But I do wish you all the best. Don’t forget to check out my new show on the Food Network for all my groundbreaking tips and tricks!
So the other night, I watched a tutorial on the good old YouTube with Maddie and Jack. The girl in the video whipped up a batch of these cookies with a smile on her face and not even a single drop of sweat. She made it look so simple, so effortless, that I felt something begin to rise within me. It was inspiration — nay, courage. As the video came to a close, I stood up in the middle of my living room, held my head up high and boldly declared, “KIDS… WE SHALL BAKE!”
My two excited children began jumping and squealing with glee. “Mom’s going to make cookies again! Mom’s going to make cookies again!” It had been a while, you see. My last attempt didn’t go so well and everyone in my house remembers the ordeal, but no one will dare speak of it. Normally, when I see one of those viral baking videos that look too good to be true, I use the wisdom gained from years of failed baking attempts to solemnly close my eyes, shake my head and walk away. But this time… this time felt different.
Here is an example of my previous work:
(Cast your votes below.)
So today, the kids and I took a trek to find supplies for our emoji cookies! It was sure to be a memorable experience that we would cherish for years to come. This, I hoped, would be turning point, the time they’d look back on in their old age and reminisce together, remembering how they gathered around a mixing bowl while I, their beloved mother, watched on with patience and encouragement, playfully dotting flour on their noses and letting them lick the spoon.
Today was not that day.
I let the kids help with the mixing and it was going well enough until Jack somehow got snot on the handle of the spatula. I told him to go play video games. Yes it is true, I am the actual best. Maddie and I finished up the baking and started frosting the cookies, when Justin came and hovered over my shoulder crunching Easter candy loudly in my ear. I was in the middle of trying out a technique I had just read about called “How to ice cookies without a piping bag” when he says, “Aren’t you supposed to –crunch crunch- pipe those?” He is the son of a real baker, so he knows a thing or two about annoying a woman who is trying to bake.
I forged on.
A few hundred eye twitches later, I had completed the masterpiece. I say “I” because Jack was still off dripping snot all over the computer and Maddie was standing by, wincing and politely critiquing my decorating technique — I honestly don’t think she’d want me to include her in the credits of this particular work. She is not to blame, after all.
The empty spot was once held by a face who was too ugly for the internet to see, so I killed him with my mouth. My favorite is the one up in the top corner that I literally slapped the black frosting eyes on and then threw the bag because I was SO DONE. Didn’t even finish his teeth because there was no use trying to rescue him. I do think the embarrassed guy on the right with the growth coming out of his head perfectly depicts my emotions at this time.
Do you feel as uncomfortable as I do having those dripping bloody eyes staring at you? I do love Señor Football Mouth though. You can tell he has a zest for life.
You can view the video that started it all here: How to Make Emoji Cookies by Nerdy Nummies
I know, this isn’t quite a tutorial like you may have expected a few minutes ago, but I personally learned a lot from this experience. I now know how much money I am willing to pay to have someone else make cookies so I don’t have to.
I bless you and your cookie making efforts! May they be far less sweaty and rage-filled than my own.