Healing Story: I know it sounds crazy, but I believe this crazy stuff

morgan paint and pen

I’m going to be real here, it’s taken a bit of stretching for me to be so vulnerable and talk about what I believe, especially knowing most of you don’t believe it. I’m not naive to think everyone is going agree when I put these pretty radical, insane, crazy thoughts out there about healing. Shoot, people tell me I’m nuts and need professional help! I’m not kidding! I’m actually used to having people not like what I stand for, what I have to say, who I am. That’s happened my whole life. I am a little radical!  But after all I’ve seen, no amount of negativity is going to convince me it’s not real. I still love people. I still believe in God. Most importantly — I’m not here to argue or debate theology, and I’m not trying to convince or convert anyone by force… that ain’t me. This is just my blog and I’ve said it before — I share every facet of my life on here. I always have. And considering how important God is to me and how I see Him involved in every part of my life, I actually keep it pretty tame for you guys, hahaha.

I’m not even just talking about my readers who don’t believe in God… there are a lot of Christians who don’t believe that God heals. I understand, I do. It wasn’t that long ago that I didn’t fully believe it or understand it. But I couldn’t get past how the Bible says He is the Healer. Even when I wasn’t seeing any prayers answered in my own life, I still heard of cool stuff happening over in Africa and I wanted to know that was for me too. I think most Christians have heard stories of healings, but we don’t see it a lot here in America. I wanted to see the Healer in action. Not in theory, not just in other countries, but in MY LIFE. I want tangible, undeniable evidence.

See, I couldn’t pick out parts of the Bible to believe anymore. If I believe in part of the Bible as truth, I have to believe in the whole thing or it just doesn’t work. I can’t choose the easy parts to go along with and then turn around and ignore, debate or argue that the rest isn’t true or isn’t for us today. I can either believe the whole book is a load of garbage or I can believe it’s completely the truth — it’s really that simple. No more picking and choosing things that I’m comfortable with believing. I believe God is good, that He never changes, that the Bible is true, but there are these parts I don’t get and that make me feel uncomfortable? Then I am the one that needs more understanding! Pretty simple. That’s Christianity in a nutshell. Growth and stretching.

So yeah, I completely believe in healing now. And I’ll tell you one of the first things that fully freaked me out (in a good way!) and convinced me of it. A few years ago, I was just puttering around the house one Saturday afternoon and all of a sudden I had this feeling in my heart to go pray for my Dad’s back and legs. At this point, I had received prayer at church for recurring UTI’s and kidney problems and had them completely disappear after being in pain and hooked on meds for 8 years, so I was open to healing at this point TO SAY THE LEAST. That’s a story for another day. But I’m being real here, I thought I was making it up in my own head. And I had no idea my Dad was in any pain or needed prayer. My Dad is not one to complain, exaggerate, or look for attention, so if this was true, it was news to me. I thought it was a little crazy that it was such a specific thought, but it was just so clear that I couldn’t ignore it.

So I called my Dad. “I feel like I’m supposed to pray for your back…” and he was like, “Honey, if God told you to pray for me, go for it!” This was so new; I had never prayed for healing for anyone. Sure, I had asked God to heal me, my kids, help me in times of need, etc., but I had never prayed a focused prayer for a specific injury and saw the prayer answered before my eyes. Never. Didn’t even know that could happen. Maybe somewhere in Africa, haha.

I went to my parents’ house and my Dad told me that his back has been stiff for years and it was just such a normal part of his life by now that he didn’t really think about it any more. Wow. The feeling was right on. So I prayed for Dad. I said something super simple — that in Jesus’ name, healing would come to his back and legs. I was so nervous! What if I was wrong? What if I was making it up or imagining that I heard God tell me to go pray for him? I’d look like a lunatic. I did it anyway. We have to be childlike in this Christian thing.

Next thing I knew, “Amen” happened and my Dad was testing out his back and legs to see if anything changed. He bent over and kept going, all the way until his palms touched the ground! He couldn’t reach past his knees earlier. He stood up and I remember him saying something like, “This is so cool…” and on the verge of the giggles. I had never seen him like that! He tried twisting his back from side to side, his back made a loud pop and loosened up right in that instant. He moved and twisted and bent down to touch the ground in ways he hadn’t been able to in years! I was just standing there like, “Seriously?? It worked??”

Seriously, it worked.

That was the first of many times that someone close to me has experienced immediate pain relief or healing in their body as a result of someone praying. I know it can seem like a coincidence, or you can explain it away saying your body has ways of naturally healing itself — yes, it does! Our bodies are amazing! But these things have happened immediately after someone prays and lays hands, after needing relief for years and having nothing else work! That’s quite a coincidence there! It’s a lot harder for me to believe that all these things I’ve seen are coincidences than to believe it was God. None of it makes sense in my reasoning mind, but my heart just knows.

There is a place for medicine — thank God for doctors and nurses and modern medicine! Don’t misunderstand me and think I’m calling out people who need medicine — no way. But sometimes medicine doesn’t heal you completely. Sometimes you need a miracle. Sometimes, you don’t want to be hooked on pain relievers your whole life, like me with those dang UTI’s. It was miserable and obviously God cared about it or I wouldn’t have been healed that day at church when I wasn’t even expecting it. I couldn’t deny God’s healing power after that day I prayed for my Dad. And I keep seeing it over and over and over and I know He wants Christians to get this and believe it and walk in it. People need relief. People need to know God loves them and wants them well and that He’s not the one that made them sick — He’s the Healer. 

So random blog commenters and even my dearest friends can call me crazy, but I am seeing it alive and active in my life and in the lives of others who also believe in it. I know it sounds crazy. I thought so too. But it’s real. It’s for everyone. And God’s awesome.

To be or not to be offended

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I love to write. And I really love to be vulnerable and transparent with everyone I meet, even if it means I look a little weird sometimes. This blog is a reflection of every facet of my life, the fun silly stuff, things I’m learning and walking out, things that are very real to me. I’m always in the process of learning, growing, stretching in each of those areas — something on which I place a high value, especially since I plan on being useful in this world. I had someone leave a comment who had never left a comment before, a reader who was irritated that I was on a ‘never ending soul search’ or something to that effect. I don’t see how that’s a bad thing, really! I want you all to know that these posts that tend to get pretty personal, are spiritual and introspective in nature… that’s just who I am and the journey I am on. I am a sensitive soul searcher. What use is it to ignore your own soul? To ignore what’s hurting? To ignore who you are? 

Now that that’s out of the way, I feel very prompted to talk about taking offense, haha! Timely, wouldn’t you say? Offense is something we all know and know it well, especially during this wonderful election time, amirite? I’ve heard people describe offense as “drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”. It really couldn’t be more plain than that!

I think I was blind to how offended I was. I was so angry with the world that I was literally walking around with a scowl on my face. I remember shopping at Michael’s craft store, quite truthfully My Happy Place, and someone asked me if I needed help because I looked upset. I was like, “UPSET?! What do you mean UPSET?! I was having a nice time looking at these stamps until you had to interrupt and accuse me of being angry! RUDE!” I didn’t say that of course — I mean, confrontation has never been my jam, so this stuff would just fester and boil under the surface until one lucky person would bear the brunt of my issues when they’d unexpectedly explode like flaming fury out of my mouth hole. I mean, really though, how could I not see that I was so angry on the inside? It’s just so easy to blame everyone else when you feel negative emotions.

I would get offended at strangers who didn’t say thank you when I opened the door for them and would usually say a loud and sarcastic, “YOU’RE WELCOME!”, you know, to teach them a lesson. That would make me feel better for a whole 2 seconds. I would get annoyed with waiters and waitresses when they’d ask me if I needed more water because they were interrupting my conversation. I would get irritated with my coworkers when they’d plop a stack of papers on my desk — you know, the work I was getting paid to do.

bon qui qui don't interrupt

I started noticing around age 22 that I had a wrinkle, an anger line between my eyebrows that was formed from so much frowning. A WRINKLE AT 22! Mercy. But I honestly thought I was justified in my anger. I was a thoughtful person and really did go out of my way to make people happy and comfortable, but everyone else was rude, no one appreciated my kindness, no one appreciated me. And no matter how many kind things I did for others, there were still those people who were hateful, who didn’t like me. No matter how hard I tried to be likeable, people still didn’t treat me how I wanted to be treated. And I’m sure that 99% of the time, they didn’t even mean to offend me. That is, in a nutshell, what was killing me on the inside.

Now imagine the havoc that mindset would wreak on a marriage. And that was just what I brought to the table, not even talking about Justin’s stuff! Walking around the house and seeing a sock on the floor would send me into a fit of rage because doesn’t he know all I do for him and he can’t just pick up one sock!? It was the principle of the thing. In that moment, it didn’t matter that he loved me — I couldn’t remember all the sweet thoughtful things he did for me outside of that moment where I felt wronged. I couldn’t see that the real problem was that I was chronically offended. I really believe it wouldn’t have mattered if every person I held the door open for said thank you, if all the waiters waited until I was done with my sentence to refill my water, or if Justin walked on eggshells and kept the entire house clean for me all the time, showered me with compliments and brought me flowers every day — the problem was me. And nothing improved in my life until I faced that hard fact.

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The truth is, we really do take offense. It’s a choice. But what do you do when you truly can’t help but feel angry, no matter how unoffended you try to be? Because I know I’ve heard that quote “offense is taken, not given” a thousand times and it didn’t help me one bit in actually fixing the problem. I tried, and I personally couldn’t help but to choose offense. I was hurting so much. Well that, my friend, is what I’m walking out. I don’t know it all, but I do know that the first step is realizing the world, your husband, your kids are not out to get you, and that your sweet pure heart has simply been wounded. You’ve been hurt. You’ve been wronged. And really, the anger that boils is just a by-product of fear. Whaa?

For me, down at the root, I fear not having love reciprocated. I struggle with fear of rejection. Why would it bother me so much that a sock is left on the ground then? That doesn’t seem like fear of rejection. But that fear really is at the bottom of every single circumstance where I become offended. I get angry with Justin because I feel that he doesn’t love me enough to pick up that one dang sock, after all I do for him. I try so hard to help people and then they don’t say thank you. They don’t appreciate me. They are rejecting my efforts. They are rejecting me. And that’s upsetting, that’s scary, that’s hurtful. So yes, that outward burst of anger is just fear brought to a boil.

So how am I getting that fear uprooted then? Well, you can sure try to do it without God’s help, but I can’t tell you how successful that will be. All I know is I sure couldn’t do it without Him when I tried. So I finally asked for His help. I asked Him to show me what He thinks of me. I read scriptures that tell me how loved and accepted I am. Because when the God of the universe is in love with you, hasn’t rejected you no matter what crap you’ve pulled in your life, and still shows you every day that you are accepted and beautiful and worthy of love, that fear of being rejected by people will have no option but to go. Because people’s opinions aren’t the stuff of truth. People are all just hurt and wounded and broken themselves.

The awesome thing about getting that fear uprooted is that the anger will go with it. It’s dwindling more and more each day. I’ve been seeing some fruit of that emotional healing in my marriage. I can’t tell you how different the tone of our relationship is, with just that shift in perspective. We’re trying to let go of all the burdens we place on one another. All those needs we expect the other one to meet for us, those needs we weren’t designed to fulfill for one another… yeah, letting those go. Sure, we have things we have to do for each other that are just a normal part of marriage, to show each other we care, to help, to be partners in life — we’re not living in la la land. But instead of lashing out at one another because something didn’t go perfectly and the other one let us down, we’re looking inward (There’s that soul searching again!), facing the real problem on the inside. And you know what? It’s making our marriage stronger, giving us the capacity to handle bigger life issues in unity, and overall leaving us with a stable, loving relationship that we haven’t known before. This process really is bearing much, much fruit. 

The Whole Truth

and nothing but the truth

I’m trying something new here and I think it’ll all start to come together for you guys as I step out and share some of the nitty gritty details of the past few years. I’ve alluded to a lot of changes, breakthrough, “new ways” of doing things, switching my thinking, my marriage, etc. It really has been a life overhaul. It’s time to swing wide this door and let you all in completely! Bear with me — this is long, but it’s a necessary share before I move forward with other fun and exciting things.

I’ve always believed in God and accepted Jesus as my Savior as a young girl, but I honestly never thought I was someone He was proud of or could use to do anything worthwhile. I had made a lot of mistakes, never felt like I could fully devote myself and my entire life to Him, mostly because I thought it would require me to move to a third world country, do something overtly ‘religious’, force-change something about my life I didn’t want to change, etc. It was all just too much pressure, I beat myself up and I never felt like I’d ever do enough good ‘stuff’, so I just did whatever the heck I wanted. And in that place, I also beat myself up because aren’t Christians supposed to act better than that? I couldn’t figure out how NOT to be unhappy, unhealthy, self-destructive, depressed, with no vision or purpose for my life outside being a mom. Still then, I didn’t feel like I was a particularly good mom and even though I was actually doing a lot of good things for my kids, the state of me on the inside was just a wreck. There was really no way I could even fathom pulling myself up and out of that dark hole I was living in.

A few years ago, something in me started stirring and that was just the simple desire to change. I didn’t know where to start, but I knew I wanted more. I had always heard God is Love, but I quite honestly didn’t even know that God. I believed He was loving (in theory), He was the Healer (for other people out there somewhere), and that Jesus died for my sins on the cross, but He and I didn’t have a relationship other than me throwing up a prayer now and then (which I didn’t think actually did anything). I thought He was so distant and impersonal. Like, I was one little bug out of billions of bugs who He never really paid that much attention to. And I believed He only helped those people who deserved being helped, meaning those who were better behaved than I had been. Sheeeeeesh, it was sad.

Long story short, I had a pretty awesome experience at a conference back in 2013 that was quite literally life-changing. This speaker, who is now my pastor, shed some much needed light on who God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit really are, what His still, small voice sounds like and what it doesn’t sound like — and it all started making sense to me. Things really started changing for me when I began really learning of His character and nature, eventually started hearing His voice more clearly in the middle of the chaos I was living. As soon as I realized that it was possible for someone normal like me to hear God’s voice as the Holy Spirit speaks to your spirit — as soon as I opened up to that, He started telling me how good and pure and lovely I am. I’m sure He was telling me all along, but my own loud, angry thoughts drowned out that truth. The God of the entire universe personally tells me how much He loves me — and He’s telling you too. He knows me. He knows how much pain I’ve been through and all the mess ups and He never saw me any differently than the day I got saved as a young girl. Yes, even after all the mistakes. After all the alcohol and pot. After the sex outside of marriage. After all the nights out at the club. He calls me pure and lovely. Talk about a wake up call to how God sees us, dang.

God loves you

It finally clicked that the whole point of Jesus coming and dying for me was so that I would be spotless, that I would have a way to be close with the Father without worry of having to do ALL the religious fluffy stuff check off list yadda yadda. Jesus died and rose again to bridge that gap where it used to be impossible to keep the law and removed the pressure of having to be good enough or fit into a religious box. Simply believing in Jesus, it opens me up to be free of all that torment, of all that shame, anger toward myself, fear, all the mess. You’d think I’d know that, being a Christian my entire life, but I didn’t get it beyond the theory and what I had heard people say in church. I think it’s rare that Christians walk out their lives with full revelation that we are truly enough for the Lord where we are RIGHT NOW and that He’s proud of us and loves us unconditionally RIGHT NOW simply because we are His children. Christians are always trying to do more and be more because we think God expects us to be trying trying trying doing doing doing preaching preaching preaching and keeping gays from being gay. That’s not right, y’all. First, let Him do that work on you, loving on you, speaking to you, refining you from the inside out and then the things you do on the outside will just naturally get nicer over time. And the love we know from God will be the same love we pour out on those around us. We can’t fake that stuff, the real stuff. And we can’t expect to know how to love others until we know how purely and powerfully WE are loved by our Father.

It was a hard pill to swallow at first, that God loves me unconditionally, but that’s really when things shifted for me. He’s shaken up my terrible view of myself and has shown me more of who I really am. I’m not a terrible person… I was an incredibly wounded person who He’s mending and healing from the inside out. I’m still the same Morgan I’ve always been, but just getting more refined. I thought life would be boring this way and like I’d be a religious clone if I fully surrendered my life — not so! Junk has been moving out of the way so I can actually be the real me. The more I let His voice of truth speak to me, the more I wake up to who I was truly created to be. And that is where things are getting awesomer and awesomer. Yes, I’m pretending that’s a real word. ;). Dreams I had as a child started reawakening. Giftings started coming out that I never believed I could have… I mean, there’s a lot. I’ll share more in the coming days, but that’s just on a personal level. My entire family has undergone a transformation and it’s just incredible. The point of this whole post is this: Knowing how much God loves you will change you!

Knowing God's love will change you

So with that history put out there, I’m going to begin a new series about healing and it’s going to seriously rock your socks off at how amazing our God is. He really IS our Healer and I’m going to be sharing personal testimonies of how the Lord has been doing miraculous stuff around here. It’s true, friends and it’s for you too! I believe many people are going to start seeing the Lord’s power like they never thought possible. He loves YOU and your spouse and your children and He wants you well. I can’t wait to tell you about it all. But let’s end this novel of a post here.

I love you all. Thanks for sticking with me! It’s just getting better and better.