It’s been a while, internet.

So I know that no one likes to hear “Sorry, I’ve just been SO busy lately!” under any circumstance, but it seems to make people especially stabby when it’s coming from a stay at home mom. I can recognize why that would be extremely annoying. Like, Morgan, we all know you’re just sitting on the couch playing Scramble with Friends and drinking your almond milk while your kids are beating each other over the head with pink pool noodles. So shuttup.

That just happened, actually…

(Never mind the classy bachelor lamp in the corner that my husband has owned since about 1998.)

*whiny voice* But guuuuuuysssss. I have just been SOOO busy lately.

I know you’re making the Michael-hates-Toby face at me right now. Stabs are welcome.

OKAY WOW. This post is already all over the place. I knew this was going to happen.

So back to the ‘busy’ thing. A few weeks ago, I decided to take a break from the internet to spend more quality time with my kids. It’s called Mommy Guilt and I seem to catch a giant case of it nearly every time I sit down at the computer while my kids are awake. I can’t help it. I feel like I’m neglecting them and it’s just not a great feeling to be… feeling. I know I have an online “life” to keep up with, but sometimes it’s really awesome to step away for a while. So these periods of silence on Mrs. Priss, Facebook, Twitter and email… that’s me off trying to be a better mom. I’ll find that balance eventually, but for now, it’s all my little stressed out brain can handle.

Other than trying to keep these two crazy kids entertained and this house clean (I sense you judging me by that photo above), I’ve been exercising like a mofo. Every night when Maddie and Jack go to bed, Justin and I clear out the living room and prepare to get all sweaty. Don’t be a perv. We’re in our 3rd week of this brutal, fetal-position-inducing workout program called Insanity.

I’m aiming to look something like that big black guy in the middle. Nbd. I think I’d wear that look well.

ANYWHO, what’s new with youuuu? Anyone want to shave my legs for me? I can pay you in sweaty hugs. Aaaand that’s my cue to stop writing.

So the kids and I just got back from a little place I like to call Hell (our local dollar store). We set out to take a short relaxing walk around the neighborhood since the weather is so lovely today and returned home an hour and a half later, sweaty and looking like we had just been caught in a wind tunnel. I have pictures as proof, but I’ll get to that later.

We stopped at Starbucks and got the kids a cake pop, to which I stared longingly after each slow, slobbery bite they took. Is that a sentence? I don’t even… whatever.

I almost remember what it was like to eat those. sob.

We walked over to the grocery store and bought some more apples for my juicing stuff. Maddie made friends with the cashier and Jack wore my sunglasses the whole time. Nothing too exciting.

THEN. The Dollar Tree. Now, I don’t have anything against dollar stores in general, but the one in our new neighborhood is, how do you say? Crackhead ridden. Something weird always happens when I’m in a dollar store and today was no exception.

First off, while I was looking at toilet bowl cleaner (it’s important, yo), an old man of the crackhead variety mowed me down while on his quest for popsicles. He rammed into me and I let out an actual squeal. He said something that sounded like, “whoopsie lady” and continued on to the refrigerator. While in line at the checkout, I saw him again and he gave me a flirty snaggle-toothed grin. Charming fellow.

In an effort to look busy and not make any more eye contact with Snaggles because it was quite unenjoyable, I took two steps to the left to look at sunflower seeds. I felt the woman behind me step up next to the stroller. I could smell her breath, she was so close. As soon as I turned to look at her with my “get outta my bubble” face, I noticed she was eyeballin my wallet. What the heck, man. I paid for my toilet bowl cleaner and some random princess wand Maddie just had to have and turned to run out the door. BUT I COULDN’T FIND IT. There were bunches and bunches of fake flowers as far as the eye could see, but NO DOOR. I finally found it hiding behind the blue “roses”, but g’lawd, those 10 seconds were terrifying. I thought I’d be locked in there forever with old Snaggles and Neck Breather.

The walk home took forever, but the kids were happy. It started getting windy and I could see Jack’s little tuft of hair blowing everywhere. Then he started barking and continued for the next 15 minutes until we were in the house. WHERE A BEE WAS WAITING FOR US. I shooed it out the door and started getting Jack ready for his nap when it APPEARED AGAIN. The stupid bee wouldn’t let up and it’s still hiding somewhere in here. I keep looking over my shoulder, all paranoid-like.

Anyway, all that to say, I took a picture after we walked in the door from The Dollar Tree/Snaggles/Wind Tunnel Adventure to show Justin how utterly beat up and sweaty I looked because he usually enjoys that.

That would be this photo:

Then I noticed the bee hovering 2 feet away from my face while snapping this one:

That’s all.

For example, decent human beings do not take a post I wrote about my daughter’s terrifying visit to the hospital and turn it into an entire blog devoted to a sick child named Madeline who is dying from a heart defect AND USE ACTUAL PHOTOS OF MY KID. How freaking demented is that?! I can’t. I just can’t.

Also, to the girls who are using my pregnant belly photos as their own… by chopping off my head, you are not fooling me. I recognize my own badonk and so do my friends on Facebook who email me links to your fake profile and blog.

Now to the rest of you: Hi! I love you. Thank you for not being creepy weirdos. I appreciate that very much and you get props for being normal.

I hope none of this sounds self-important. I wouldn’t care so much if it were just photos of me being used, but do NOT mess with my kids. That crosses the line and I have every right to be angry. I won’t be giving credit to any of these women because they don’t deserve it. I will however be installing a panic room in my closet because HELLO. People are scary.

Happy Birthday to our sweet, silly, chunky Jack. We love you!

Now please excuse me while I go creepily stare at him while he sleeps.

Keep in mind, she watches a lot of Disney movies. I think that may be the inspiration behind some of the silly thoughts.

–

While I was baking, she came up and stuck her finger in the powder ingredients. “I Pochahontas-ed it.” (poked)

–

Me: Maddie, go back to bed. This is nap time.

Maddie: Okay, Your Highness.

–

Maddie: Who’s my father?

Justin: I am.

Maddie: Who’s my other father?

–

Came up to me while I had facial hair remover cream on my lip. (WE ALL HAVE FUZZY GIRLSTACHES, SHUT IT.) Politely giggled as if she was very amused with my antics and said, “Whatcha got there?”

–

Frequently says, “Yes, Stepmother” if I ask her to do something chore-like.

–

Me: Time to go inside! It’s getting too hot out here.

Maddie: I don’t want to!! (fit throwing, screaming, refusing, etc.)

5 minutes later…

Me: Get inside right now before I drag you in!

Maddie: A DRAGON!?! AHHHHHH! (runs inside immediately)

–

Drawings of her family:

“Mommy, that’s you and your coffee.”

“That’s me and Daddy.” Looks like a scene from Signs.

“Mommy and Jack. *giggles* He has a big head. And that’s a spider. *growls* SMASH IT.”

ANYWAY. The following story is a good reason why I should probably censor the rage a bit.

One morning last week, I took Maddie to Starbucks with me. We were just about to turn into the drive-thru when a white car cut across 3 parking lanes and sped in line ahead of us. It was a douche move, I’ll just say that right now. In my frustration, I threw up my hands and made a few unintelligible noises. No cuss words, just angry sounds, growls, etc. Maddie and I both speak in a growling voice on occasion. No idea when that started.

Maddie picked up on the subtle hint that I was unhappy and said, “WHAT DID THEY DO?” I told her the ladies in the white car were being rude and dangerous for cutting in line and almost hitting our car. Oh yeah, and I wanted my coffee like, 3 hours ago and how dare they get in my way!? She immediately joined the fight.

Way harsh, Tai.

In a growly voice, she said, “I don’t like those mean ladies. They drove too fast! GET OUTTA THE WAY, WHITE CAR!!!”

The car moved up in line as she gave them The Most Evil Stare I’ve ever seen. She said, “Thank you, white car!” followed by a nice, cheesy smile.

We moved up behind the car again and this is where things turned quite diabolical.

Growling, “I don’t like that white car, Mommy. They are mean for driving in front of us. I’m going to get No-No to scratch them in THE FACE!” (No-No is my parents’ cat, named by Maddie when all she could say was the word ‘no’.) I’m sure this doesn’t sound as bad (or as hilarious) as it was, but if you guys could hear her little sweet, yet angry voice saying these things, you’d die.

Like any good mommy would do, I told her it’s not very nice to wish cat scratches on the faces of our enemies. Then we proceeded to make silly faces at the driver through their back window. I think we all learned a good lesson.

He’s just a happy, gap-toothed fella.

Our apartment was small, dark, cramped and made us all stabby. Justin and I moved in there when I was pregnant with Maddie (nearly 4 years ago… WHAT.) and we quickly outgrew the tiny space with the accumulation of baby stuff. Then I decided I liked to make random crafty crap all the time, but there was no place to do it OR store all my stuff. Add another baby and all his baby debris, Maddie’s birthday presents, Christmas presents and I swear I’m having heart palpitations just thinking about how awful it was. To be honest, we were all getting stressed out and depressed in there and were in desperate need of AIR and ROOM and LIGHT.

Now we have all of those things and I can’t help but happy dance every time I walk through the front door. :) :) :)

Things are coming together around here, but Maddie’s room is the closest to being done. I haven’t painted the walls an adorable color or created any fancy wall murals or a built in reading nook (thank you Pinterest, for setting the bar extremely high), but at least she’s unpacked and decorated.

Here are a few photos…

Tiny beds make me gigglesnort. It’s like it belongs to a tiny person! Who’s tiny! You know what I mean. And I love that she has reindeer slippers.

What do you guys think I should do in the big space above her bed?

My dear friend Alyssa gave me the print of the little girl and the deer last year for my birthday and I’ve been waiting to find the perfect place for it. The shelf was thrifted and I gave it a new coat of paint. On it, there is a little cross-stitched “M” which is kind of hard to see, a squirrel figurine and a framed page from an old Little Red Riding Hood book. I made the kite to hold her hair bows the other night in – literally – 5 minutes with some cardboard and vintage fabric.

Her nightstand drawers hold her many books (the child LOVES to read) and a few of her favorite things sit on top. OBVIOUSLY, the picture of her daddy and I made the cut. This nightstand was actually mine from when I was a little girl, hence the sticker residue and nail polish drips. It’s getting a makeover soon.

The big green “M” was a gift from my sister in law and the mushroom nightlight is from Target. The manners and other story books were all gifts from her auntie Steph, auntie Anna or my Grammy. I made the deer thingy in the frame, and it’s just a few flocked stickers on a cut up paper bag.

Hey look, a wreath! An owl! Some pinwheels! And gumballs! Speaking of, DON’T EVER PUT A GUMBALL MACHINE IN A 3 YEAR OLD’S ROOM. Bad call on my part. I had to hide her money jar after I found her with 4 pieces of gum in her mouth.

Also, hiiiiii. I’m squinting in the reflection of the Red Riding Hood print. Awk.

Maddie’s dresser has a bunch of random stuff, including boxes that hold her hair bows and clips, a cupcake jar that holds her jewelry, Mary Poppins that used to be mine when I was her age and a rock. I have no idea where she found it or why she insists on keeping it because it looks like a turd.

You guys don’t get to see the other side of the room because it has all her toys and miscellaneous stuff I just threw to the side to take these pictures. Honesty: You’re welcome!

But to be fair…

She did work pretty hard on that dumb thing. And I was the one who bought the wrong kind of Styrofoam. Sorry, Maddles.

(I love how Jack be creepin’.)

When I asked my mom to send me the photos of the kids from earlier, I wasn’t prepared for the copious amount of cheese that awaited me. Maddie was literally saying, “CHEEEEESE!” when this one was taken.

I’m getting all bloaty just looking at them.

When I forwarded the picture of Jack to Justin, I expected him to comment on Jack’s baby gap-toofed smile. Instead he responded with, “hahahahahaha, I see you in the background!” And I was all, “Huh?” And then I noticed my mom caught an action shot of me on Maddie’s big wheel.

I mentioned it on Twitter earlier and I know people probably thought I was lying or just using some sort of metaphor.

Riding on the pink big wheel of happiness, or something. I don’t know. That could be interpreted in many interesting ways, I’m sure.

That big wheel made me use muscles I haven’t used since 1992, which is obviously the last time I rode one of the things. It was fun though, and I’ve never felt so alive! Or old.