And just like that, I’m in my 8th month! (Today is 33 weeks, 3 days)
Time flies when you don’t post weekly pregnancy updates, doesn’t it? It’s been kind of different/weird, to not be giving the social network every detail of this pregnancy, because last time and the time before that? Well, I basically shared everything, down to the nitty-gritty-no-one-really-wants-to-know-how-much-facial-hair-you-are-growing. But it was fun, you know? Talking and sharing and connecting… and yes, complaining every waking hour of the day. That part was like, SO healthy for my mental state. :) This time, and I know I’ve said this a gillion times, but this time it’s just SO dang different.
The past year has been kind of a season of separation from some social types of situations. A time of being more guarded with my words and really placing a lot of value on what I say and what I do. A time of maybe being a teensy bit radical in some ways. I know those close to me have noticed some stuff changing and may be kind of weirded out and concerned by the sudden nature of the shift in priorities, but honestly, so much greatness is coming of it. I know it’s just a short period of this, to really gain perspective on where I was living — in such a negative, harmful, hurtful and painful place. To step out of that for a bit, to really gain some understanding of why I was the way that I was, so when the dust settles and things get back to ‘normal’, I will be much more grounded and sure of who I am. So I won’t be so shaken up by little things that may go awry in my life. I’m feeling that change right now and it’s good. It’s really good. I’m not telling everyone to go out and do this because wow, stuff really gets stirred up! It’s a very purposeful thing for me and my family, with an end in sight. So I’ll be back here writing more regularly at some point in the near future.
With all that said about guarding my words, you guys know I haven’t had an ultrasound, right? WHEW, I went there! Guard momentarily down! Nope. Haven’t been to the doctor either. Midwife care, yes, traditional OB, no. Huh? What was that you just thought? It’s okay, gurrrl. If you want to unleash the beast, go for it… I’ve heard it all at this point! I can do this dance. I’ll even dip you and give you a kiss at the end because seriously, after hearing what I’ve heard over the past 8 months, nothing could bother me at this point. I’m not being unwise or reckless. There’s a plan and there’s safety involved and this is another very purposeful thing we’re walking out right now. Different? OHHH yes, especially for me, who once held the title of The Queen of Unnecessary Ultrasounds. But again, good things coming from it!
One small example, not going to the doctor means I haven’t weighed myself in several months. Like maybe, twice during this entire pregnancy. It’s been freeing in a lot of ways, but you know, a funny thing happens when you don’t obsess over the number on the scale — You STILL find ways criticize yourself!
Behold… the woman with a hundred chins…
Such a sweet picture of me and Jack Boy, but I still zone in right on those rolls. Count em up! One two, skip a few, 99, 100! I’d love to say that I’m at a place where weight gain doesn’t bother me, but LEZBEREALHURR. It’s a process, people. I am enjoying eating though. I like, really, really enjoy eating. And snow cones. Something about snow cones just does it for me these days.
Oh also, has anyone seen The Business of Being Born? Or any other home birth type documentaries? Would someone please tell me WHY every woman seems to give birth topless??? Enlighten me, por favor. Yes, I will be giving birth in the comfort of my own home and it’s nothing my midwife and husband haven’t seen before, but I can’t. I assure you, I will be covering these monstrosities. My kids have seen me getting into the shower and seem to think something about my physical state is ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS. Not that my kids will be there for the birth, I just mean there’s a common theme of “LARGE” going on with me right now and I think I’d even distract myself mid-push and start laughing if I was completely nekkid. We’ll just leave it at that.
On that delightful note, I’ll wrap things up. No wait, look at this photo of “beautiful scenery” first and get that other image out of your mind:
The next time you hear from me, I’ll probably have this baby! Woo!
There’s something that’s been stirring in my heart lately, something that is so hard to explain… but you know I have to try.
I call her The Facebook Christian. “Her”, because I see a lot of myself in her words and actions. Well-intentioned. Heart for God. Convictions firmly planted. Loved by many. Lover of many. Defender of many. Offender of many. Something’s just a little, teensy bit off. Don’t get me wrong… right off the bat I can say I’ve brought my Facebook/blog to hell and back, so no one’s condemning here. There’s just a little something off.
We all have morals, values, beliefs, and Facebook is undoubtedly the platform of choice for many of us to voice these openly. As a place to feel — if only for the brief second it takes to click ‘enter’ — Free. Bold. Entitled. It’s OUR page, after all.
But what if we’re not using it in the way that paints the best picture of Christians as a whole? I’ve been guilty, so to speak, of using Facebook as my spiritual checklist of sorts. I say ‘spiritual’, but it’s really more religious… works and striving and doing doing doing and pressure to be better and having checklists and feeling guilty for not being perfect or saying the right thing… that’s just plain miserable. That’s not what I want for my life, online or off.
I’ll give a few examples of some very basic Facebook Christian behavior:
- Post a Bible verse today. Check.
- Share/like a political/inspirational/Jesus-y quote, article or story. Check.
Ahh, feels good to be a Facebook Christian. So fulfilling to stand up for what I believe! Sort of. Let’s try it some more! (And this is where the lines start getting blurry… naturally. We’re human.)
- Leave a comment on a charged post about homosexuals, Duck Dynasty, The Election, rear-facing car seats, vaccines, breastfeeding until age 5, Chik-fil-A, etc. Check.
- BONUS POINTS for use of a Bible verse to prove your point. Check.
- Passive-aggressively ‘like’ a photo of the friend who you’re in a fight with, juuust to let her know you’re still keeping tabs and that of course you don’t mind that she’s having fun without you! (But you totally do mind.) Check.
- Stalk an ex. Only a quick peek… Check.
- Message an ex. BUT! just to see how life is treating them. Check.
- Post a borderline cleavagey girl’s night picture where you hid the margarita out of the camera’s view. Check.
- Intentionally hide a post from your parents, boss, church friends, etc. because they’d “judge” your behavior. Check.
Again, I’ve done all of these at some point and I’m not pointing fingers at any one person (SERIOUSLY. I love you all and am trying to look inward here.), but are you sort of getting what I’m trying to say? We do these things that aren’t necessarily fabulous one day, and still expect the world to listen when we have something to say that is actually meaningful, with purpose, with true LOVE as a motivator. Because we all know that DOES happen sometimes! We do have good intentions and a heart for God! No one is arguing that here. Just because I’m a Christian doesn’t mean I don’t struggle with things. I’m sad to say though, the world probably doesn’t always listen to/read those pure, good things we have to say. They may roll their eyes. They may think, Bigot. Hypocrite. Preachy. And when we think we’re being neutral by posting photos of our kids, all they can think is, “Oh there’s Bigot’s kids! Too bad. They’re cute.”
I’m not meaning to sound harsh, again. And yes, I know ‘persecution’ is all part of the job, but if I’m going to be persecuted, I want to have my side of the street clean so it’s ACTUALLY persecution and not just something I had coming because of my big mouth or because I flew off the handle about abortion in a moment of sleep deprived rage.
Personally, I’m just done doing the Susie Christian Facebook thing. I love the Lord and people know it already. I’ll talk/share when He leads me to do so without regret, but never again out of anger. That’s not God. Never again if it’s going to hurt those I’m called to love, regardless of their lifestyle. That’s not God behavior either because God is love. And never again because I feel the need to fulfill an imaginary religious checklist. God doesn’t have a check list for me! Or you. We are in right standing WHERE WE ARE. That’s the beauty of loving Jesus. The “work” has been done. It’s not about what we say anyway, it’s about what’s behind it. What’s motivating it. Who is motivating it.
It’s been a tough thing to put into practice, this ‘walk the walk’ thing, I’m telling you. I don’t have it down yet, but if it means not being seen as just another Facebook Christian and instead as a woman who really WALKS it, LIVES it, BREATHES it… then count me in.
And now I’m off to post this on my Facebook page… ;)
My baby just lost her first tooth!
Unfortunately, it was lost and, ahem, swallowed while she was eating a bag of Target popcorn. It’s all very fitting, really. So tonight, we’re going to write the tooth fairy a note and leave it under Maddie’s pillow, explaining the mishap. I’m sure she’ll understand.
I have officially reached the stage of “Is she pregnant or is that a beer gut?” You know, where maternity clothes are still too roomy and your pre-pregnancy clothes don’t flatter. Or button. And you kind of expect everyone to just know that you are with child, but not everyone does, nor are they as obsessed with that fact as you are. Sometimes they might kind of get confused and don’t know what to say to you so they just avoid the topic altogether until you find a way to bring it up all nonchalantly in the conversation like, “Oh, I’m just on my way to pick up some lemonade at the store and DID YOU KNOW MY BABY IS THE SIZE OF A LEMON?” And then they’re all, “I thought you might be pregz! Congratz”, but you know that during your entire conversation, they were staring you straight in the eye and pretending to listen, but were really just having an intense inner-struggle over whether or not to bring up your belly.
Or you know, they just didn’t notice because you don’t look that much different yet and you’re just paranoid. (No, YOU’RE paranoid!).
Something I’ve noticed is that maternity clothes are only super cute when you’re not pregnant and happen to be walking by the maternity section. I walked through the section on the regular whenever I wasn’t pregnant and it was the same thing errytime… awww, to have a cute belly and dress it all cute and be all cute! When you’re actually pregnant, it’s NOT THE SAME and everything makes you feel 900 years old and 900 pounds. So I’m trying to stretch out the regular clothes as long as I can.
Enter, this item. I saw this cute-ish metallic-ish sweatshirt and wanted to see if it would work.
I quickly learned it did not. ABORT. ABORT.
After a handful of items that did not fit the bill (and having two melting down children in the dressing room with me) I just went with my cami for the shot.
P.S. The rubber band trick is totally the rage with my pants right now. And it happens to be one of Maddie’s tiny little ponytail holders, so I expect it to snap at any given moment.
…technically 12 1/2 weeks… You know how this goes. Every day counts, man.
Nothing to report, really! This one just feels like normal life is going on and I’m not really all that obsessed? Or worried? Or focused on every little belly twinge or spotting or barfy detail? I don’t know how to describe it except to say that I have absolutely no fear this pregnancy. It’s a really awesome feeling and a HUGE relief. It’s made all the difference, not carrying around the extra stress that I had with the other two pregnancies.
Pregnancy is such a breeding ground for fear, amirite? My heart aches for women who experience loss and others who are just absolutely miserable during their pregnancies. What seems to make everything worse is that we’re actually conditioned to be scared if we DON’T barf every day or feel like junk. Like, I’m feeling great! OH NO SOMETHING MUST BE HORRIBLY WRONG! It’s a cruel mind game, man! All I know is that I’m SO thankful for this free feeling and for my health. I know this baby (girl… prediction officially made) is healthy and thriving and ALIVE.
Also, cheese is a no. I may feel great, but the sight/smell/thought of cheese makes me gag/cry.