A Few More Confessions

My hilarious friend Crystal, who I considered my internet BFF twin, tagged me as a Truly Authentic Mom. I’ve been sitting here for about an hour trying to come up with 5 things that qualify me as one… it’s kind of embarrassing how long this is taking me.

ANYWAY. Here are 5 things that you may not know about me and Maddie (four hours later):

1. Madeline hasn’t slept one night in our bed with us, ever.  When she was new-new, I was afraid I would roll over on top and squish her with my giganto-self, so she slept in the bassinet next to me. At one month, we put her in the crib and she’s slept through the entire night ever since. Co-sleeping is just not for me. I don’t share blankets.

2. Though I once confessed to listening to Lady Gaga while Maddie was in the car with me, I’ve actually become very sensitive and protective of what she’s exposed to. We save TV shows (Dexter is not exactly toddler material) and movies for after her bedtime, which in turn has bumped up the amount of quality time we spend together in the evenings. Love it.

3. I do turn on Yo Gabba Gabba to keep her distracted while I get ready for work in the morning though.

lance rock

DJ Lance Rock, I love you and your fuzzy orange hat. But the songs. THE SONGS. I’ve been singing  “Don’t be afraid, don’t be afraid, don’t be afraid… it’s okay!” since the weekend and I kind of want to die.

4. I just tried to get her to eat those baby cheese ravioli things and she flat out REFUSED. She waved her arms around, spit it out and seemed pretty pissed at me that I’d even try to give her something other than sweet potatoes. I was like, “What is the big flippin’ deal, sister?”, ate one myself and you know what?? It was delicious.

5. You know that whole thing about socks mysteriously disappearing? Well, tiny baby socks are 8,000 times worse than big people socks. I’ve pretty much given up on trying to match them up and just buy a new pack at Target every week. It’s just easier that way.

Your Tuuuuuuurn:

Colleen

Kristen

Natali

Jimaie

More About Chesticles

A follow up to this drama-filled post I wrote back in January.

A note to the people on Facebook who pop on over here every once in a while, but don’t necessarily care to read about the status of my working boobs: Skip this one.

Once upon a time, I had a perfect pair. They were perky, full of life, and looked flipping amazing in every top I owned with little to no effort. You all know the whole bend-over-tuck-in-wiggle-push-up bit, right?  I NEVER HAD TO DO THAT. They were that cute.

Then along came this…

mrspriss_6 months pregnant_baby belly

…and with my transformation into that behemoth of a woman, my boobs became beastly. Gargantuan. Terrifying… yet, still strangely awesome in their own huge way.

THEN:

mrspriss_newborn_maddie_post partum

The arrival of Maddie brought them to incredible new lactating heights. And weights (probably about 5lbs each at this point, if I had to guess). That one you see there rivaled the size of my newborn.

I nursed Madeline for three months before I gave up (pumping at work became my own personal hell), and the downward spiral began. My boobs became a young 23 year old woman’s worst nightmare — small, saggy, lifeless and anything but cute.  My bra size seemed to decrease weekly, which was utterly depressing.  That wouldn’t have even be so bad if they would have just FIT into a bra without trying to wiggle out and say hi to everyone constantly.

Enter Summer, 2009. I lost all the baby weight! I was supposed to be able to wear tank tops and sun dresses and have hot, new mom cleavage!  Sorry, sister, not happening this year.

Quite frankly, I was pissed at life.  I know, I’m seeming a bit dramatic… but for someone who’s had her share of body-hating issues, seeing the one area I never had a problem with turn to complete crap was a little tough.

(Bipolar activity incoming…) Not all was lost though, miraculously! A month or two ago, I started noticing a positive change. I had a mom friend tell me this would happen, but I didn’t really believe her until it did.  They were actually starting to behave like good little girls. They weren’t flopping all over the place like they used to, and I could actually stand to look at them for more than two seconds without wanting to gouge my eyes out. They’re still far from what they used to be, but the good old 34C’s are back. That’s progress.

So here’s another bit of newish mom wisdom I’ve gained in a nutshell: They get big, they get bigger, they get HUGE and terrifying, then they look like crap for a while… but none of it lasts forever. They’ll be sort of cute again one day.

Things I didn’t realize before I had a kid

  • The power of cheerios. Those things can keep a kid quiet and entertained for as long as the supply in your diaper bag lasts.
  • Sleeping in? BAHAHAHAHA… oh, that’s a good one.
  • From the moment you become a parent you automatically possess the ability to stumble out of bed at 3am and change a crying baby’s dirty diaper at a speed so lightning fast, sometimes you can’t even remember doing it the next morning.
  • Carrots, sweet potatoes and peaches will turn your baby’s nose orange.
  • How packing a diaper bag every day gets really, really old, but it eventually becomes one of those things you can do in your sleep.
  • It isn’t possible to be both lazy and a good parent.
  • Censoring bad words is an art, and one that takes quite a long time to master.
  • Your tolerance for people who waste your time will EVAPORATE.
  • You will get pooped on and somehow still want to kiss the person who did it.

Last week I thought I was pregnant.

I’ve had two legitimate pregnancy scares since I’ve had Madeline. The first was at my 6 week postpartum appointment. The nurse measured my height, took my weight and asked some pretty general questions.

Nurse: So, how are things going Mom?

Me: Great!

Nurse: Are you breastfeeding?

Me: Yes.

Nurse: Have you had sexual intercourse since giving birth?

Me: ……………………………yesssss.

Nurse: Okay, let’s get a urine sample.

Me: Okay– wait, WHAT? O_O

Off she skipped, leaving me to my thoughts and that dreaded little plastic cup.  After waiting forty-five minutes for my results to come back, I had pretty much worked myself up into a tizzy. By the time she came back in, I had mentally come full circle: OMG, she just took a urine sample. That means I could be pregnant, again! GOD, HELP ME. Madeline is 6 weeks old, so that means I’ll have two kids under a year old at the same time. WHAT. AM. I. DOING? I’ll have to quit work, get a double stroller, move into a bigger place and I’ll eventually need a boob job, no doubt. Well, that part’s not so bad. And actually, new babies are cuddly, sweet and smell flipping good. Awww, I wonder if it’ll be a boy this time. No, I don’t think I can handle a wiener. I think I want another girl – a little sister for Maddie. Ahhh, they are going to have so much fun shopping together when they’re older! Maddie and… gosh, I need another name. Another ‘M’ name, or is that too cheesy? Maybe a ‘J’, after Justin this time. Wait, what the heck am I thinking?! I CAN’T BE PREGNANT AGAIN… I will DIE.

Needless to say I wasn’t pregnant back in January, but last Thursday I went through a similar thought process when I realized I was a full week late. This time, I shared my possible exciting news with Stephanie, who proceeded to spend the rest of the afternoon showing me pictures of her adorable new brother and sister. Torture! By 5:00, I was actually looking forward to going home and taking a pregnancy test. I had 2 sets of first & middle names and a few options for nursery decor picked out. Pro.

Well, I’m definitely not pregnant. Ah, the wonders of nature. At least now I know if it does happen by accident, I’m not going to die. I might even be happy about it. :)