The one where I get a little more honest than usual

Oy.

I’ve been left some of the sweetest comments lately. Things like, I don’t know how you do it all! or You’re so skinny! and Where do you find the time? You guys are so good to me.

Well, would you like to know the answer? The one thing that will make the weight fall off without you even stepping foot in the gym? The reward you get for trying to ‘do it all’ with a smile on your face? Let me let you in on a little secret of mine.

It’s called stress.

I haven’t written a post in a week, and it’s not because I’m out of ideas.  I think everything has just finally caught up to me. The pressures of work and life and money and everything in between is definitely taking it’s toll. And the way I deal with it is by completely shutting down.

Right now, Justin is attending a work-related seminar while Madeline and I are home. I just put her to bed, sat down on the couch and enjoyed a very rare few minutes of silence.  In those moments I was finally able to sit still and try to sort through all the madness.

You know what I realized? I am not superwoman, but as much as I want to follow that up with the cliché and that’s okay!, I just can’t.

Imperfection has never been an easy thing for me to accept, especially when it comes to my family and home. I want so badly to be able to do it all. To have a successful-enough side business to be able to quit my job and work at home with Madeline. To have just one free evening to go grocery shopping (which, by the way, I haven’t done in over a month). To actually COOK a real meal for my husband instead of picking up whatever is on the way home. To be able to say no sometimes and not feel guilty about it.

As sweet as you guys can be, you’re really not seeing the real picture here. You are my inspiration. I really don’t know how you do it!  To the ones who wake up early to exercise, write a post every day, keep the laundry caught up and cook dinner every single night… you win. Bonus points for you gals that still nurse your babies because, HOLY HELL I would be dying right now if I was still trying to fit that in on top of everything else.

Right now, I am so far from having it all together, it’s not even funny. Just wanted to be honest about that.

Adjustments

I’m going to get a little serious (and quite possibly emo) on you for a few minutes. It’s very unlike me to broadcast an honest-to-God, serious issue I’m dealing with on the internet, but seeing as how you all are completely awesome and always so helpful, I’d like to ask for your opinions and insight once again.

I have become a full-fledged working mom.  I wake up at 6:00am, take Madeline to day care, work, run errands on my lunch, work, pick her up, go home for the evening, and do it all over again the next day. I’m exhausted.

Lately, Justin has been taking over a lot of the household duties since I’ve been so wiped out. He’s been spending time with the girl while I’m getting myself ready to leave, cooks for us, and picks up the apartment so it’s nice and tidy when I get home. I appreciate his hard work and would be an overwhelmed, pitiful mess without his help, but I’m honestly starting to wonder if I qualify as ‘domestic’ anymore.

Before I had Madeline, I thrived on taking care of my home and my man. I truly enjoyed cooking and cleaning. In fact, those have always been the things that have given me a sense of purpose. But now, with me dumping all these duties onto my husband, I’m not feeling quite the same about my life. I actually feel a bit guilty.

I don’t want to sound ungrateful… I am so blessed to have Justin’s help. I’m just in a place where I’m unsure. With me working, I’m earning our family’s benefits and health care. That is important. That is necessary. But is that my true purpose right now?

Is it wrong to feel guilty for not being able to make meals in the evenings? For not having my kitchen as spotless as it used to be?  For going to sleep without folding the laundry that is piled high?

Or is this just a new phase of life that requires me to adjust, stop whining and just be thankful for having a job?