What I should have learned from Jessie Spano

I wasn’t quite old enough to watch Saved by the Bell during it’s original run and instead caught all the reruns on TBS. I watched, I studied, I connected. Okay, not really. Even 10 year old me realized how ridiculous some of the messages were, especially when it came to miss perfectionist, Jessie Spano. That girl was ca-ra-zay.


Remember when Jessie was studying for the SATs and started popping those little red caffeine pills so she could stay up all night and get a better score? Then she ended up missing her girl band’s big debut at The Max? Then Screech stood in for her and we were all, No. This is a girl band, you do not belong here?

Then you also might remember how that episode was laden with thong leotards, cheesy song lyrics and one very unnecessary freak-out, courtesy of Miss Perfect.

I never truly understood how the caffeine pills caused her to freak out like she was on crack. Little me was watching and going, “Umm. It’s just caffeine. Grow a pair.” That was Mistake #1: Never, ever question Saved by the Bell’s teachings.

It wasn’t until I tried the energy drink straight out of Satan’s fridge, Redline, that I became a believer in The Unnecessary Freak Out.


DON’T FALL FOR THESE LIES. Mistake #2: Thinking you will be sexy and happy and popular if you drink an entire can of Redline at once. You will bounce of walls, spin in circles and speak in complete gibberish for no less than 4 hours if you do. Then you will lay in a coma-like state, sprawled out on your floor in a puddle of your own drool.

Don’t let this happen to you.

Little blondie Zack Morris was so sweet and comforting in Jessie’s time of need, bless his heart. I could have used a friend like that during my Redline crack-out.

Hot Sundae Jesse Smize

Jessie had so much potential. Does anyone know if she ever got into Stanford?

19 thoughts on “What I should have learned from Jessie Spano

  1. Haha….. I too watched the Saved By The Bell re-runs on TBS. Weren’t there like four episodes a day or something? Maybe it was just two, but that in and of itself was like crack to a 10-year-old.

    Officially not trying Redline :)

  2. There was about a month period in 11th grade where I took caffeine pills during school lunch. I have Chemistry class afterward and was just crazy. But, I guess a good kind of crazy because the guy I sat next to ended up having a crush on me because of it.

    Weird, huh? I guess there’s two sides to the caffeine pill story. ;)

    I actually quit caffeine entirely shortly after that. Almost 10 years sober! (soberly non-caffeine)

  3. i too have had a heinous redline experience… a couple actually :x i stayed up until at least 4am after a ridiculous bike ride, cleaning like a mad woman, rearranging furniture, doing dishes etc. then layed in bed (i think i was in bed…??) twitching & thinking swirling frantic thoughts of what else i could do before the kids woke up. the next morning was beyond words, i don’t think i could even speak… just growl… bad news. straight out of satan’s fridge? most definitely.

  4. haha! i too had a caffeine pill od in high school but it made me fall fast asleep. at a championship basketball game. where tons and tons of people were screaming. imagine that. and my friend who also took an insane amount of these little pills and could care less about high school sports started balling her brains out after we lost. i agree they make you go crazy and should be stayed far, far away from!

    and oh how i love that episode of saved by the bell. “im so excited, im so ex…waaaah waaaah waaaah”

  5. Okay, I have a lot of things that need to be addressed in this comment, so bear with me if I come off like a rambling lunatic.

    1. I SO wrote a post about this EXACT thing recently. It’s here: http://the818.com/2009/09/im-having-a-jessie-spano-moment/

    2. OhMORGosh? Before I even clicked over here I fell for you a little.

    3. When I read that you weren’t old enough for SBTB, I shot myself in the face. I figured I’d do the world a favor, as I don’t want my aging ass to become a burden on the young.

  6. She did, but she turned them down because they didn’t want her until HARVARD did.

    I may have re-watched that episode two weeks ago. Don’t judge.

  7. I watch SBTB EVERY morning… AND, my sisters and I are CONSTANTLY singing the “I’m so exited! I’m so …… SCARED” It’s one of the best episodes ever. I know every word to their awful song.
    I took diet pills in college which were somewhat of an equivalent of the energy drinks and ended up in the hospital with heart palpitations and an anxiety attack!! NO GOOD!! I stick to coffee now :)

  8. I totally remember this one! And, I too have tried RedLine, or seemingly Cocaine for the All American Housewife. Stay far far away for your own good!

  9. I end up watching an episode every morning while I’m getting ready for work and my husband and I are always laughing at how ‘serious’ all the problems were and how in high school they worked in Hawaii, Malibu, had a recording deal, a modeling deal, etc etc

  10. ahh saved by the bell – I obsessed about it all the time. Mostly about Lisa’s hair. It was ALWAYS perfect! I think I was just around the same age as them when this show was on TV.

    You made me laugh about the “grow a pair” part. It reminds me a lot of the freak out scene in Empire Records when Liv Tyler’s character is taking diet pills to study and do everything better in 24 hour periods.

    Now energy drinks freak me out – and after your report of redline I will not be drinking that ever! Although I do like to do lots of stuff quickly.. hmmm but I don’t like the whole laying in my drool bit. such choices.

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