Tutorial: How to spend a crap ton of money without getting murdered by your husband

Most of you ladies already know how this works, but I thought I’d let all my newly-married friends in on the process. It doesn’t take very long to master. Also, I’m really in the mood to watch Clueless, so please disregard the random images.

  1. Go shopping with a friend.
  2. Find overpriced outfit and fall in love. Friend says it makes your boobs look bigger, your butt look smaller and your legs look longer. Have you been working out?
  3. Purchase outfit. And coordinating accessories. Aaaaand those new heels (they were 40% off, you savvy shopper, you).
  4. Part ways with friend. Drive home alone in your car. In the silence and solitude, reality suddenly hits. Recall how your husband reacted to your last big purchase.
  5. Sweat profusely.
  6. Remember your fail-safe plan and immediately relax.
  7. Stop by the store and pick up your husband’s favorite drink. Actually, make that two, because you’re that thoughtful.
  8. Make it home before your husband does. Leave all shopping bags in your trunk except the one with the shoes. You will be using them as a prop later on.
  9. Go inside, set husband’s drink next on the side table next to his favorite chair. Turn on the baseball game/tv show/video game.
  10. Slip into your fabulous new heels.
  11. Husband comes home and is delighted by your thoughtfulness. Ask him if he noticed your new shoes. Tell him that they were on sale. Tell him his muscles look bigger today. Tell him he’s your favorite.¬† BUTTER HIM UP, GOOD.
  12. Let him watch the game and enjoy his drink.
  13. Now quick, while he’s distracted, run back out to your car and get all the shopping bags. Sneak them inside and hide them in the VERY back corner of your closet, under that old ratty blanket. Casually toss another blanket over it. Make it look natural, and like it’s been untouched for months.
  14. Next week, wear your new shirt. The following week, prance around the house in the skirt. Subtly and gradually introduce your husband to each item you purchased, but NEVER be the first one to point anything out.
  15. If asked, “Is that new?” simply reply, “This thing?? Honey, I’ve had it forever.

44 thoughts on “Tutorial: How to spend a crap ton of money without getting murdered by your husband

  1. first, i would like to say that you are in the mood to watch clueless because of ME. you’re welcome :) and now due to your photo clips, so am i….

    your shopping mission impossible routine sounds very similar to mine, but with more buttering up and sneakiness. thanks for the tips! ;)


    yes i was yelling! – oh and add in Mean Girls for good measure.

    “Isn’t my house classic? The columns date all the way back to 1972.”

    “Sometimes you have to show a little skin. This reminds boys of being naked, and then they think of sex.”

    “I feel like such a heifer. I had two bowls of Special K, 3 pieces of turkey bacon, a handful of popcorn, 5 peanut butter M&M’s and like 3 pieces of licorice.”

    “My plastic surgeon told me not to participate in any activities where balls fly at my face. -Well there goes your social life.”

    i love you more for this.

  3. Hah OMG I totally loved this! I’m not a shopper and thankfully don’t have to justify my expenditures to anyone, but still! I will remember this for all times to try if I ever need to!

  4. I love it! I usually rush to put the things I buy away like they have been there the whole time. Also, I have a minivan with the stow-n-go and the little bin is awesome to hiding things away.

  5. This is sooo true! I try not to butter him up too much, cause then he knows somethings up. I usually bring the stuff in when he isn’t home and put it away. Then I pull out one thing I bought and something I bought for him. In his mind, as long I was thinking of him too, then its ok ;)

  6. Thanks for absolving me of guilt. I can now rest easy that I am NOT the only one who is sneaky.

  7. This post made me so happy because of the Clueless pictures. I ordered the special WHATEVER Edition two days ago and it should be getting here soon!


  8. Why have I never thought to leave bags in the car before?! This is seriously going to be life-changing. I can get away with all sorts of sneaking stuff in because my fiancé LOVES taking naps Рand sleeps through all sorts of noises.

  9. This is hilarious~PLUS I love that movie also :) Those quotes brought me waaaay back to highschool haha (when I watched this movie religiously).
    As an engaged woman, I appreciate the marriage tips! hahah I will DEFINATLY use this one day.

    The one that I use is called ‘Shopping At The Bottom Drawer Store’.
    Hubs : Is that new?
    Me: This? (laughs) Of course not. I just haven’t worn it in so long, it’s been hidden in my bottom drawer and I just found it again today!

  10. At least you all have one frugal half of the relationship! My scheme: take him shopping with me so he’s more distracted looking at stuff for himself and doesn’t realize what I’m buying.

    Sadly this leaves us doubly as broke.

    Or I tell him: “I already decided that I’m getting this, but I’m just asking your permission to make you feel better.” That’s how I got the chair: http://www.flickr.com/photos/stephcorwin/4373700289/

  11. @ jimaiemarie: At H&M?!? I don’t know about that.

    Another thing I like to do is go shopping when I know I’m hungry… & then blame my splurges on shoes or jeans or makeup on being delirious by hunger pains.

  12. @jimaiemarie My suggestion is cash back at the gas station, damn those skyrocketing gas prices! PS – Morgan, I will be watching the gas station charges ;)

  13. This is by far one of my most favorite blog posts in a long time!! I love it and I love that you used images from Clueless, it totally makes me want to go shopping and then watch Clueless :)

  14. Yes!!! And if you don’t wear the outfit for a couple weeks, you can tell him that it’s NOT new without lying. Cause its not. Right? lol
    Also writing the grocery check for $20 over every time is a classic one.
    …….Not that I ever do anything like that. ;)
    Oh and round down. For heaven’s sake. If it cost $19.99.. do not say it was $20 bucks. It was $19 bucks…. sounds better. And if it cost a lot… then say that it was on mega ultra sale and you would never have been able to afford it again in your life and you just had to scoop it up. ;)

  15. Tooo funny! I can say I have been married almost 5 years and never tried this! I’m way behind, I guess!

  16. this also made my day – the Clueless images totally work with this – well done girl!!!

    When I am married I’m going to use all of this to my advantage. I especially like the whole “heels as a prop” thing! HA!

  17. I just wail, as soon as he notices anything new, “IT WAS ON SAAAAAAAALE! IT WAS ONLY X DOLLARS!” And make a pout-face and say “I was being responsible…” Plan B: buy him something. Even if it’s a chocolate bar that cost a buck, it’s enough of a distraction, especially if I pull his present out of the bag first!

  18. haha I can’t do this — I’m the worst at lying/keeping secrets! John is used to my spending habits by now & he knows I’m out of control. Ha!

    One time I bought two cardigans when I had asked if I could borrow money to buy one (I has already gone past my monthly fun $$ for the month). I didn’t tell him right away, but when I put one of the new cardigans on and he asked why I wasn’t wearing a new one (he thought the gray one I was wearing was old) — I volunteered the information that I had purchased another gray cardigan, and had in fact bought two cardigans. Ummm oops that was a really long rambling explanation that didn’t make much sense.

    Anyway loved this post! Too funny! And the “Clueless” images were perfect! I adore that movie.

  19. Are we related? Separated at birth? This is the exact method my mother taught to me, though with a slight twist: shop during the Superbowl. There’s no way a man devoted to football will tear his face away from that game, especially at halftime. You made me laugh!

    And Clueless is on my Top Five of All Time movie list!

  20. I also loved the Clueless TV episodes! They were so much fun……..looked forward to them each week.

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