Fact: Tampons are not pens.

A woman’s purse is no place for strangers. Have you noticed how we have about 52 different little nooks and crannies and zippers and pockets to keep all our womanly secrets hidden? Like chewed gum wads and big receipts and tampons? THOSE POCKETS ARE THERE FOR A REASON. Let me explain.

When you fail to keep your tampons in hidden purse compartment #16, also known as the place for pens, you risk flashing them to the world at random and extremely inconvenient times. Just like I did the other day at the grocery store.

Jude Law was standing at the checkout, helping me bag my stuff. (Don’t be gross.) (And it wasn’t really Jude Law, but basically. He lacked the accent, but had the hair. Close enough.) I made a mental sigh of relief as I realized I didn’t have anything weird and awkward in my cart for him to see.

You know you’ve been there, when you were standing in the line with a male checker and you were at the store buying a pregnancy test or something. There’s nothing quite as awkward as that. Except when the scanner thing malfunctions on the exact freaking item you don’t want it to, and male checker is forced to inspect the box and run it through 300 more times until he gives up, holds it in the air and makes an announcement for the next checker’s help to manually type in the code. Meanwhile, you’re sweating, but trying to act like it’s no big deal and that the pregnancy test is “for a friend”. You swear you’re not a whore.

Anyway, back to Jude Law.

So I didn’t have any pregnancy tests in my cart and I was now at the point where I had to take my card out of my wallet to pay. Jude is waiting there, being adorable and patient as I pull my wallet out of my bag and open it up. There, waiting for me like some sort of cruel surprise sent from Satan, was a tampon. IN my wallet. IN the place meant for pens. Apparently I didn’t put it in secret purse compartment #16 meant for pens and it found yet ANOTHER place meant for pens to go chill. Satan’s work? I think so.

This is the worst part and I swear it happened in slow motion: Before I could snap the wallet shut to hide it, my little tampon friend decided to roll out onto the little check-signing stand like it was asking Jude for his autograph.

Needless to say, I’m dead right now.

52 thoughts on “Fact: Tampons are not pens.

  1. oh! i forgot to tell you the best part – i learned this while working in places where you cant carry purses or dont want to be obvious carrying your goods to the bathroom: put your tampons in a eye glasses case. you wont look weird whether its in you purse, pocket, desk, or hand :)

  2. Ummm same thing happened to me at Uncle Harrys. When I was still working :) ran into Uncle Harrys super quick to get the office bagels…just grabbed my wallet so no purse and ran in. Went to pay and mind you a HUGE line was behind me…and ya a tampon falls out of my wallet. Oh where to hide it? I had to freaking hold it and walk out. NIIIICE.

  3. Kotex U tampons are my new favorite because they are really tiny and compact until you extend them. Plus, they’re in neon colors so you can’t not know what you’re pulling out.

  4. omg I swear I just DIED of laughter, died.
    I had a sorta similar feminine product mishap at Costco this morning but with a pantiliner that somehow managed to make it’s way out of my purse and find a little resting place right there perched on top of the bag(it must’ve happened when i pulled out my wallet & i didn’t notice) But you know how at Costco you have to give them your cart (and your kid!) and they take it on the other side of the checkstand?
    Well yeah, that’s when I noticed it. And I could do nothing but stand there and STARE at it while dying of embarrassment as the two male checkers rang my stuff up and my cart was painfully out of reach…

    Maybe my cute kid distracted them? They did get him a balloon…maybe they didn’t notice. Or at least that’s just what I’m going to tell myself.

  5. hahahahahahaha…. oh Morgan, how I love thee.

    I feel for you, I really do. I will never forget the time I was grocery shopping with Emma who was about 10 months old and I had her sitting in the shopping cart, with my purse (which I could have sworn I’d properly closed) sitting next to her. It was “that time” so of course it was chock full of my lady supplies (none of them properly tucked in pocket #16, more’s the pity). Anyway, we were in line to check-out and soon it was my turn to put my full cart-load of groceries on the belt, and I was blissfully doing so, completely unaware that the whole time Emma was happily reaching into my purse and throwing every single tampon and pad it contained onto the floor in front of our cart. And, I might add, it was 5:30 pm. Everyone and their brother was out getting groceries. There was a really long line behind me (many of them male, of course). So many eyes to behold my feminine products in all their glory. When I finally turned around and saw the sea of tampons surrounding the cart and then had to PICK EVERY ONE OF THEM UP WITH EVERYONE WATCHING ME AND LAUGHING, I died too.


  6. omg thank you for making me laugh today.
    i embarrass myself like this on a daily basis, but my events usually involve me tripping/falling in front of crowds of strangers.

  7. Hahahaha this is hilarious! I have a bad habit of throwing everything into my purse and not using the compartments, and this includes throwing tampons in my purse. I also have a bad habit of not zipping my purse. OOPS.

  8. This is too funny – I feel bad that you were mortified but this made my day!!!

    I remember being young and pulling out all my mother’s feminine hidden treasures one day while we were at the car dealership. She was working on paper work and haggling with my father with the sales man and BAM here is baby Kelly asking “What’s this?”.. “What’s THIS?”… WHAT IS THISSSS?” (holding up not only tampons but the cool disposable wrappers they used to make in purple to wrap up your used pads).

    I worry about my days as a mom – I will have hell unleashed on me for sure!

  9. I am laughing so hard right now!
    You tell a story brilliantly!

    I don’t have a check out lane story but something just as horrifying. I just graduated HS and thought I was the sh*t. I finally had my own car, and proudly paid for it on my own, a whole $400. It took me to concerts and clubs. That beast was amazing in my eyes. At one of the concerts, I bought a Blink 182 thong, bright pink! Seeing how cool I was, I hung it on my rear view mirror. Well, I had a spill of choc milk and had nothing but my thong to clean it up. I was in the process of picking someone up so I just shoved it under my seat. I forgot about my lovely treasure until I had to take my beast to the repair shop. The guys at the shop were explaining everything to me, and then it happend. He climbed in the drivers seat, and I noticed they had moved my seats back (because not everyone is 5’3″). There shined my hot pink, chocolate milk covered, undies laying on my very blue floor. They HAD to have seen it! Sadly, I couldn’t explain that it really was chocolate milk and not what they were thinking. I never went back there, EVER!

  10. Thank you for the smile, I really needed it today! I think that most of us, at one time or another, have exposed the tampon hiding in our purse. The next time a guys (insert ornery husband’s name here) asks why you need so many purses, just say “To hide the tampons!” and the issue will be dropped (probably forever.)

  11. LOL!
    I die when I’m buying TP, tampons or pads and the cashier was a girl and I thought I was ok and then right before I get to the register they change shifts and it’s all of a sudden a guy!

    I get how to hide tampons but how do you hide a pad?!

  12. OMG! This is when you say “whoops-a-daisy” and run away…really quick! It could have been worse, it could have been a monistat pack or something weird like that!!! Not that you would have that in your purse…but…oh, I don’t know. :)

  13. Oh geeze! My husband always makes fun of me because I always have what seems like a trillion tampons stashed in all my purses. Whenever I buy them at the store, he’s always like “don’t you think you could just accumulate them from all your various purses and come up with the equivilant of a whole box”?
    Tampons, tampons, everywhere. Seriously, why does it always have to be a cute check-out guy???

    Complete digression: Did you see what the eff is going on with David Boreanz-however you spell his name????????

  14. OK I’ll share one of my embarassing ones to make you feel better….

    One time, shortly after we were married, we ran out of lets-not-get-pregnant-stuff. And so we made a trip to the nearby Vons. It was late. We both went. We were being giddy just marrieds holding hands, etc. Of course the lets-not-get-pregnant-stuff needed a price check. We were sooo embarassed. I wanted to just walk out of the store and not get it. Seriously.

  15. Because I’m sitting at my desk (you know, “working”) I am holding in the laughter AS.MUCH.AS.POSSIBLE!!! But seriously LMAO!!!!!!!! AHAHAHAHAAHAHAH!!!!!

  16. girl, i hear ya. i had a prick boss once that used to sneak up on me. he did once as i was rummaging through my bag looking for a tampon. when he quietly touched my shoulder, i jumped and flung the tampoon in the air. i am not sure which of us turned a brighter shade of red.

  17. Ok still dying laughing at yours… and then Talia’s experiences. Makes me feel a little less bad about the tampon that literally flew at the head of the poor checker at Trader Joes a few weeks ago as I was trying to pull something else entirely out of my purse. Frantically snatching it back and acting indignant at him worked really well to shift the embarassment off me and onto him. I’m awesome.

  18. Ahhhh sometimes life is a kick in the taco, no? Your story cracked me up. If nothing else, you know you’ll have fodder for our amusement. We’re not laughing at you… we’re laughing with you. Ahem. Right.

  19. Oh, good times. No matter how cool I try to be when I buy tampons, if the guy at check out is a man? Fahgetaboutit.

  20. Oh it’s not so bad. I don’t mind it, in fact I think the other person is more awkward about it than I would be, and it’s totally adorable.

    I also lived with my dad and brother for about 4 years in my late teens, so I had to get over any issues with being girly around guys.

  21. That is hilarious! I learned a loooong time ago to keep my stash in little zippered cosmetic bags and my tampons in those handy tampon/mascara holders so that what happened to you wouldn’t happen to me. When I was 16, I worked at an amusement park and the employees weren’t allowed to bring any bags or purses inside the park unless it was a CLEAR bag. They made me buy a cheap, ugly, clear purse to carry my things in. Uh… how am I supposed to bring girl stuff with me?! So I learned to keep them hidden inside other things. Also, my current purse has a zippered compartment inside, that is where my stuff hides. :)

    I do hate buying anything personal like that and always try to search out a female employee. I was recently at Rite Aid and hoping I’d get the girl cashier. Nope, they sent me to the guy, who was young, and I had multiple boxes of tampons and pantiliners (getting them for free/super cheap with coupons and sales.) That was so embarrassing.

  22. I have a story similar to Lisa’s! Except that the “let’s not get pregnant” items were in a locked cabinet.. and the guy stood there as we tried to decide which kind we wanted. lol

  23. I can just imagine the shock and horror on your face when it rolled out! I agree about the nooks and crannies being there for private stuff – never ask your boyfriend to get a pen out of your wallet because it’s usually the LAST thing he pulls out, after he’s gone through all your private girly-stuff!

  24. so……i was just going to sit down and read some emails before church and somehow came across your blog. now instead of getting ready, i just read the entire thing. because you are hilar. and crafty. and i have decided that we are now bffs. that is all.

  25. I love the new look of your site. So so awesome. And have you seen the new tampon commercial where the girl ask strangers to buy her tampons…it is funny.

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