Just watched The Hills; may have the clap.

Whoa guys. WHOA, I say. The last twenty-something minutes of my life have been ripped from my fingertips and doused in self-tanner by a gaggle of big booby hoes. I just watched my first episode of The Hills in 3 years and let me tell you, it was quite the experience.

I know… honestly, what could I have possibly been doing in my life that was sooooo much more important than keeping up with this golden nugget of reality goodness!?

(I winced/shuddered my way through the entire thing.)

Anyway, a little bit has changed since my last visit with these wonderful people and to be perfectly honest, those changes freaking terrify me.

Exhibit A:  Spencer and his crystals

Exhibit B: Heidi, with her — well, we all know by now.

Exhibit C: No Lauren

Exhibit C: Ryan Cabrera?!? What are you doing here?

I have to admit, I used to want to possibly marry him one day. That was before the Criss Angel makeover. Moving on.

It only took me a few minutes of watching the show to realize what the biggest and most horrific change was…


You know what I noticed? Kristin Cavallari is freaking TERRIFYING. The chick was on the screen for about 45 seconds before she yelled in some girl’s face and proclaimed herself a bitch. Then it went to commercial and they showed a clip from next week where Kristen screams at another girl and says, “DON’T TOUCH ME!!”  I’m sorry, but that’s shady behavior. That sort of thing would make me cry actual tears if I ever came in contact with it. Then I’d proceed to bathe in antibacterial because let’s be real, we don’t know where this chick has been.

Also, I haven’t actually heard her voice since Laguna Beach when she was like 17, but I will say that I never thought simultaneously sounding like an 80-year old chain smoker AND a valley girl was possible. The girl pulls it off though.

Well, Hills. That was eye-opening. Let’s try it again next week, as long as Kirsten promises not to make me cry or give me the clap.

Be sure to check out oh hay, it’s kk and read her hilarious “I watch The Hills so you don’t have to” recap posts. She’s a riot.

24 thoughts on “Just watched The Hills; may have the clap.

  1. hahahahahahahahaahahahaha…o-m-g hilarious!

    i am addicted to the show…the only sane one is Lo, but seriously..hpw sane can she be..being on this show!

    spencer and heidi,wow.

  2. ohhhh man this is great! criss angel makeover?? that about sums it up perfectly. everybody on that show makes me cringe because i think their skulls are holding in NOTHING. audrina bugs me, heidi scares me, i miss lauren, and kristen makes me want to cry sometimes too.

  3. i haven’t watched it but i’ve seen the previews. i wish my life had that much drama, sadly. :*(

    i’m not nearly as interesting, sitting over here in my undies eating bagel bites.

  4. Hahaha this post was too funny! Yeah certainly a lot has changed in the hills! For some reason I continue to find it a guilty pleasure but I don’t feel as anxious as I used to to watch the new episodes!

  5. I watched the Hills yesterday too! I watch it ever so often but it mostly just bugs me. I heard that Spencer won’t be in any more episodes because he went like totally crazy on the producers or something. He’s so creepy. And Heidi with her “I’m between a E and F cup but I want H’s for Heidi.” Right. Because that would be normal.

    And don’t even get me started on Kristin…I’m ashamed that we share the same name. (With the same spelling!)

  6. Funny you mention your previous marriage plans of Ryan C. I too once longed for a man like him, I think it was just his sweet guitar skills I longed for…but, I am glad I grew out of that era because he is a little crazyish now!

  7. I love when you talk about celebrities. Those are some of my favorite posts.

    And really, Spencer Pratt is terrifying, crazy, scary and so forth. *Shiver*

  8. hahahaha!! I had no idea this show was still on. Perfect recap. To find a single high school that produced such a large number of persons with Narcissistic Personality Disorder is an absolute phenomenon. This show deserves a documentary on the Science Channel for educational purposes. There is no way a person can watch without wonder and awe.

  9. You’re cracking me up. This show is totally my guilty pleasure and I have to admit I’m all about Team Kristen. Even though hands down I still love LC and Lo. Otherwise the rest can just fall off the face of the earth for all I care. Especially Heidi. Don’t get me started on that one!

  10. “but I will say that I never thought simultaneously sounding like an 80-year old chain smoker AND a valley girl was possible.”

    I’ve never heard a more accurate description of person. I haven’t watched since the first season (with LC) and even then, it hurt my brain. (but I loved the first season of Laguna!)

  11. i stopped watching the hills when lauren left (i admit i should have stopped watching sooner) and i can’t even imagine how ridiculous it is and uuugh just reading spencer’s name drives me nuts.

  12. LOL, a few seasons back I didn’t watch and my male straight roommate would constantly want to have conversations like we knew these crazy people.

    I started watching it again, because its soo funny. I meant Ryan Cabrea..what happened to you?!

  13. that was seriously spot-on.

    i die inside a little bit every time i watch that show.

    (and i mean, i watch it every week, so i’m… more than half dead probably.)

    also, i was wondering what exactly happened to the cute Ryan Cabrera that i used to know and you ARE SO RIGHT: he got criss angel-ified.


  14. Only because we don’t have cable at the moment did my husband and I start watching The Hills, season one, on Netflix. (We did watch The City when we had cable.) He’s more addicted than I. I laugh at him for it, and he scoffs in defense, “YOU give me me the junk, and then you laugh when I’m addicted!” Ha.

  15. Oh man, I have to admit that watching The Hills AND The City is a guilty pleasure of mine. Actually, I don’t even know if it’s a pleasure. I just can’t seem to stop watching it! lol

  16. LMAO. I’ve been watching this season for lack of anything better, but honestly Spencer has gone crazy. actually, they all have.
    I’m sure Ryan won’t last much longer.
    And I really hate to say this, because I HATED HER SO MUCH, but I’m starting to like Kristen now. I guess because she has more of a spine then most of the other girls. but then I remember who her BFF is and I start to hate myself.
    I think I died a little, just admitting that

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