Hi. I just had the living crap scared out of me and can’t sleep. How is your night going?

It’s nearly 2 in the A-M and I’m unable to sleep. Well, I take that back… I was actually asleep for a few hours, but something traumatic just happened to me and I know going back into happy-fluffy-marshmallow-dreamland is just not a possibility for this little woman. So, here: you get a story.

I don’t know what it is, but ever since Maddie was born I am able to wake up by the slightest noise or touch. By noise, I mean anything over an ant whisper (would you be able to come up with a better analogy at 2am?) and by touch, I mean Justin stealing my covers/jabbing me with claw-like toenails/rolling his large 6’4″ man body onto me while sleeping/etc. and I usually scream something like GET YOUR NASTY SKANK TOES AWAY FROM ME AND LET ME SLEEP when I am disturbed from my slumber. It’s like a scene from an old cheesy horror movie when the townsfolk announce, ‘The Beast has awoken!!’ — I am not pleasant.

Anyway. Tonight was no exception to the hypersensitivity to noise/touch rule. I woke up when I felt something tickle my arm and instinctively smacked it with my other hand. I was honestly expecting it to just be my hair, but oh holy night, it was NOT A HAIR. I smacked my arm and something big, round and wiggly went fllllpttth (or whatever sound a HUGE FREAKING BUG MAKES WHEN YOU SMASH IT IN YOUR BARE HAND).

omg. SO sick. Well, as soon as I realized what I squished, I threw it on the floor by the side of my bed and tried to wipe off my arm all fast and crazy-like. And what did I find on my arm, you ask? A skanky bug leg. Or two, I can’t be sure… it was dark.

I summoned Justin to wake the eff up and protect me from these bugs crawling all over the place and he replied with this heroic little treat: “Ohhhh, sorrrrry……………..” and immediately went back to sleep.

In the morning when he wakes and finds me on the couch, huddled into a terrified little ball with a can of Raid in one hand, he won’t even remember what happened. I guarantee you.

21 thoughts on “Hi. I just had the living crap scared out of me and can’t sleep. How is your night going?

  1. I got goosebumps just reading this! When my husband notice a bug on me his response is to smack it. That’s when I yell: “Oh, don’t you dare!!” Cause I rather have a mosquito bite than a smashed mosquito corpse on me.

    Hope you’ll get some sleep!

  2. Oh that makes me SHUDDER!!

    I woke up at 5am because a fly was buzzing around my earhole – it soon regretted being a fly. But I wasn’t left with its remains anywhere on my body. I think you win.

  3. Why do the husbands always do that? Roll over and go to sleep – I wonder what would have to happen to me or the house to actually get mine to respond!

  4. Oh, ewwww! Should I tell you that I read somewhere that the average person swallows 10 spiders in their sleep A YEAR? mommy wants to duct tape her mouth shut at bedtime.

  5. a few years ago, i woke up and felt something on my neck, under my hair…IT WAS A CRICKET. it jumped off and went under my bed. i was so freaked out i couldn’t sleep the rest of the night.

    it gave me the heebie geebies.

  6. You are just as funny at 2am as you are any other time. Sorry to be entertained at your expense!

    I would have the place bombed asap!

    Did you figure out what kind a squished bug it was?

  7. :\ oh lord. my worst nightmare, basically.

    i once awoke in bed to something “tickling” my leg. i threw the covers off of me and looked down and it was a ginormous black centipede.

    it gave me a small taste of my own personal hell, and i repented for many sins that night.

    <3 sleep better tonight (pour boric acid all around your bed frame, maybe that will help & is not dramatic in the least)

  8. I was up at 3am because Sprout was screaming his little teething head off. Stephen slept through the whole thing.

    Also greatest fear is going to the bathroom at night. I am always afraid a bug is going to crawl out of the toilet and on to me. I don’t know why I think this is going to happen. I also fear the little lip of overhand cabinet near the floor by the sink. Afraid a black widow will be lurking there and bit my feet. These may be slightly irrational fears.

  9. There is NO sleeping once you’ve found a nasty bug on your body. The night is over. Nough said.
    And then the thoughts that your house is surrounded by vermin and pests haunts you forever. Super.

  10. What kind of bug was it? The fact that it was big enough that you could actually push it off onto the floor is probably the grossest/scariest part.

    I woke up once, in the middle of the night, and saw something scuttle right past my face. I got up and freaked out but I never found anything. …ewww.

  11. one night, after hanging out on our porch, where is all the critters and bugs come to chill after dark, I made Louie search the bed, because spiders seemed to be everywhere! sure enough, there was one and I told him he’s have to check our room every night till I forgot about it.

  12. o. to the em. to the gee. happened about 3 weeks ago. i don’t think that i’ll ever sleep again.

    my husband randomly has dreams of spiders crawling on him (why did i marry him? not sure). periodically i wake up in the night with him “hunting spiders” that “crawled on him.”

    but a few weeks ago…..uh. a REAL buggy wug was crawling on him. it was horrrrrible. i didn’t sleep. i may never again.

  13. Oh my, I have totally had that happen to me before. It is so gross! ::shudder::: Just a few nights ago, I was laying in bed and was SURE I was hearing a mouse in my bedroom. I could hear little noises coming from the direction of my dresser. I flew out of bed, grabbed a dish from my kitchen (because I was going to capture it?!) and started freaking out as I tried to poke around a stack of magazines on the floor. It wasn’t a mouse, it was a huge cockroach that ran around my room. I wanted to scream. My husband and I finally found it behind our stand up mirror and he killed it for me. There was no way I was going to sleep in our room if we didn’t find it. BLEH!

  14. Living in Arizona now for few years in new house built in open desert. Lots of crickets in the yard and in the walls of the house. Plugged up as many holes as I could but they still find a way inside. I stopped exterminators this summer b/c hands would burn after they would spray. Not sure if this is a toxic reaction to these nerve poisons.

    Would kill a whole lot that would get into the house every day during breeding season (June-July), now just catch one or two a day in a jar and throw them outside.

    I usually wake up at night to rest my shoulders b/c of rotator cuff discomfort and few weeks ago went to read e-mail and a cricket jumped on my keyboard (attracted to light of monitor). I could not stop laughing, they have no fear of people! Tonight felt something crawling on my wrist while sound asleep. Jumped up and saw cricket in my bed!

    Fortunately I’m not afraid of bugs, but got me into big trouble 10 years ago when I saw bed bug in hotel and didn’t know what it was and brought them home in my suit case. That turned my life upside down with allergy to their bites and getting rid of everything I own to get rid of them. But these don’t bite people like bed bugs or mosquitos.

    People in China and Japan supposedly consider them good luck in the house. They supposely make good pets for young kids. You can handle them without difficulty. Females (ovipositor near tail) seem to be friendlier. Males (have wings and can chirp) jump away very fast. Very interesting and interactive watching them for a while in a jar. But this was going too far, like a night animal trying to wake up a day animal to play!

    Sorry crickets, I may have to call back the exterminator, I have to sleep and don’t have time to play in the middle of the night.

    Found your site searching on google to see if anyone else reported a cricket on them in bed. Great site!

    Hopefully won’t see any scorpions in the bed (I would pack up and move).

    Back to bed:)

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