It’s nearly 2 in the A-M and I’m unable to sleep. Well, I take that back… I was actually asleep for a few hours, but something traumatic just happened to me and I know going back into happy-fluffy-marshmallow-dreamland is just not a possibility for this little woman. So, here: you get a story.
I don’t know what it is, but ever since Maddie was born I am able to wake up by the slightest noise or touch. By noise, I mean anything over an ant whisper (would you be able to come up with a better analogy at 2am?) and by touch, I mean Justin stealing my covers/jabbing me with claw-like toenails/rolling his large 6’4″ man body onto me while sleeping/etc. and I usually scream something like GET YOUR NASTY SKANK TOES AWAY FROM ME AND LET ME SLEEP when I am disturbed from my slumber. It’s like a scene from an old cheesy horror movie when the townsfolk announce, ‘The Beast has awoken!!’ — I am not pleasant.
Anyway. Tonight was no exception to the hypersensitivity to noise/touch rule. I woke up when I felt something tickle my arm and instinctively smacked it with my other hand. I was honestly expecting it to just be my hair, but oh holy night, it was NOT A HAIR. I smacked my arm and something big, round and wiggly went fllllpttth (or whatever sound a HUGE FREAKING BUG MAKES WHEN YOU SMASH IT IN YOUR BARE HAND).
omg. SO sick. Well, as soon as I realized what I squished, I threw it on the floor by the side of my bed and tried to wipe off my arm all fast and crazy-like. And what did I find on my arm, you ask? A skanky bug leg. Or two, I can’t be sure… it was dark.
I summoned Justin to wake the eff up and protect me from these bugs crawling all over the place and he replied with this heroic little treat: “Ohhhh, sorrrrry……………..” and immediately went back to sleep.
In the morning when he wakes and finds me on the couch, huddled into a terrified little ball with a can of Raid in one hand, he won’t even remember what happened. I guarantee you.