I’ve kept it pretty quiet in the past few months, but I figured that since I told my boss that I won’t be coming back to work after Jack’s born, I might as well tell you all as well! The plan is for me to stay home full time with my babies and I couldn’t be more thrilled. Those who are close to me know what a huge deal it is to me and how incredibly excited I am that we’re going to be able to make it work.
Two years ago I was on maternity leave with Madeline and I was a mess… a serious, hot mess. I was pretty good at faking the whole I’ve been a mom for 3 whole days and I wear high heels while cooking 5 course meals with a full face of makeup and I never cry and totally have it all under control thing… at least to the people who didn’t actually see me in person every day. The truth of it is that I was totally NOT okay at all, whatsoever, in the least, amen.
The super quick weight loss I talked about on this blog and chalked up to breastfeeding was really due to a horrible bout of postpartum depression that stretched on much longer than it should have. I had such an unnecessary and awful emotional experience immediately following Maddie’s birth that it only made it easier for the depression to cling on to me and not let go. I haven’t really gone into that side of the birth story on this blog so much, but it was truly horrible. I felt like the joy of giving birth and celebrating our new beautiful daughter was robbed from Justin and I in the midst of all this drama. That special day came ONCE, it was turned into something ugly and ridiculous, and we’re never getting it back. I still struggle with that every day.
So, going back to work after a whirlwind and drama-filled maternity leave was not an easy thing to do. My mind was nowhere near where it should have been. I didn’t realize what was happening to me at the time, I just felt completely overwhelmed, weepy, stressed and that my life was completely out of my control. The guilt of having to leave Maddie at daycare all week while having to work was the worst part of it, but there was really no other option for us at the time, being that 2009 was not an easy year for us money-wise.
Man, I missed my baby. She was all I thought about while the hours ticked by during the slow days at the office. All I wanted was to be able to stay home with her and just be her mama. I wanted to make up for that lost time and for that bad experience when she was born, but I had to keep working. I know there are women who are amazing at doing it all on top of working full-time and they seem to truly enjoy it, but I am not one of them. I don’t feel like I’m truly cut out for it.
I know this is quite an emo post, but I think it’s an okay time for me to finally share it and I hope it’s received well. I want everyone to know that I’m not attacking either side — the working moms or the stay at home moms — I just know what I can handle and wanted to be honest about that.
Emo stuff aside… I am so excited about this, you guys. SO EXCITED. This time will be better. I won’t be missing out on any more time with Maddie and I get to enjoy every day with my son from the very beginning. I’m only slightly nervous about how much work it’s going to be to handle two kids all day by myself, but I’m ready to do this.