50 Shades of Brown

Some of you might remember the the Tub Pooping Saga of 2010. If not, here is Part 1 and Part 2.

Basically, as a new mom I was unaware of how little kids are with their “movements”. Meaning, I didn’t realize how they thoroughly enjoy dumping anywhere and everywhere until my daughter did it in the tub one night. She acted like it was no big deal. To her, it was completely normal to let turds swirl around in the same water that was cleansing her body. And then you guys told some stories of your own tub pooping experiences and we all shared a few laughs and then barfed all over each other like all those people did in Problem Child 2 at the carnival. It was awesome.

Jack has made it through 16 months of keeping it in his diaper. I learned with Maddie not to be fooled by a child’s supposed “poop maturity”. Judging by the giggles of the grown man who lives with me, poop maturity is unattainable, even by age 30. Keeping this nugget of wisdom in mind, I’ve been watching Jack like a hawk and have done my best to avoid any shenanigans of the brown nature. I don’t just let him run around naked or squat behind couches or anything like that. That kind of freedom has to be earned, little man. I also happen to be the quickest diaper changer California has ever known. I knew it was just a matter of time though. Just a matter of time…

Bath time. Yeah. Maddie shrieked, “JACK POOPED IN THE TUB!” and then immediately went back to playing with her Ariel doll. Yes, she was in there with him and yes, she went right back to what she was doing, not a care in the world. This all goes back to what I was saying about her thinking it was completely normal to sit in poop water. Apparently it is also completely normal to sit in your little brother’s poop water.

I took out the kids and put them in the shower. Since Justin was dealing with them, I had no choice but to face my 50 Shades. With all the commotion of getting the kids out of the tub and then removing all 800 toys, the sloshing of the water became too much for this turd to handle, so it broke into 800 pieces. I, as the Scooper, had quite a job ahead of me.

Long story short (and because this is just getting entirely too disgusting, even for me), Jack did the same thing again 3 days later. And again, Maddie made the announcement and continued playing with her mermaids. Kids are sick.

16 thoughts on “50 Shades of Brown

  1. Oh the things to look forward to. Also I definitely remember having a poop in the tub moment when I was really little.

    And you had me laughing at my desk with ” and then barfed all over each other like all those people did in Problem Child 2 at the carnival”. Now I want to watch that awful, awful movie.

  2. AHAHAHA, wonderful story Morgan. I’m surprised that Maddie wasn’t scared or grossed out by it, but she’s still pretty young to understand. I remember dropping the brown boat in the tub when my brother and I were in the bath I think I was about 2. It scarred me for life, and I was the guilty one!

  3. You know, when it gets to be that crumbly, I just let it swoosh down the drain and pour some Clorox Clean-Up on it after scrubbing the tub.

    Remember for next time (and there WILL be a next time) – scoop poop first, worry about toys and fouled water second.

    My oldest and middle will calmy watch their little brother drop trou, squat in the middle of the living room and deposit a turd on my carpet. They will creep closer to better observe the turd, exclaiming over size/shape/texture/smell before the thought of calling an adult even peeks into their tiny little brains. They will put on the appropriate disgusted face when tattling, and proceed to act as if a cardinal sin has been committed. Nevermind that they “forgot” to call anyone when the pants first came down. Sigh.

  4. HAHAHAH! …ahhh the pooping in the tub incident. What mother hasnt had this horrifying experience? SO nasty when all you have to scoop it up nearby is toilet paper and then you have in your hand a crumbling turd in soggy toilet paper?! Ohhh the joys of parenthood (throw up in my mouth) ;0)

  5. Thank you for reinforcing my decision to wait on parenthood and also for the BEST post image. Seriously. The image deserves an award.

  6. “kids are sick” MUHAHAHAA and that line alone made me laugh out so loud my husband had to come in to see what was so funny. Thanks for the laugh, though not the visual :-P PS: been there

  7. I was just thinking to myself last week, “I’m so lucky Ava has never had a poop accident in the tub…” until 2 days ago without warning… a log made its appearance, and FREAkED my 20 month old and I out. There was screaming and crying…she wanted out of that tub pronto! In all the comotion, let’s just say there was smashed poop on my bathroom tile…Ewwww. Nasty times ten!!!! Morgan, I totally feel your pain!

  8. OH MY WORD! the way you describe things (even in their sick detail) is just to damn funny for words! I seriously LOL everytime I come here! Who needs therapy when you visit Morgan’s blog and get laugh therapy and a tummy workout?!
    Oh man, I think at some point, all of our kids have done the whole poop in the bath thing! I remember distinctly…it was a dark and gloomy day back in 2004…ha ha…just kidding, but really, yes it is quite gross.
    What happened once too, a little friend of my daughters came to play, she must of been about 2.
    the next thing my son, being 4 came running out of the room and declared “Zoe pooed on my toys!”
    Filled with dread, I rushed to the room and there in the middle of the room,wait for it…was a pile of those stackable bath rings…all piled up and right on top was a big….brown…turd. I was horrified but also somewhat quite impressed that she had first thought to stack the toys and then squat over them and poo! (what a remarkable feat if you think about it!). And as far as cleaning up, it was quite easy. I just carried the top ring to the loo, dumped it in and flushed! (Thanks Zoe!)

    aaah…poo…and kids…such stories!
    (PS my kids are now thankfully 11 and 8…)
    I think I need to do a blog post on this too…

  9. You are hilarious! I laughed throughout the whole post. My kids used to do this. Luckily we are done with this stage (they are 9, 5, and 3). My middle son had the exact opposite reaction as Maddie when poo was floating near. He would immediately jump up and would cling to the side of the tub so nothing would touch him. Then refuse to take a bath with his little sister for weeks.
    BTW I tried out the epliator and it hurt like a MO-FO! I will keep trying and see if I can get used to it. Because really, I would do just about anything not to have to shave for 2 weeks :)

  10. Thanks for putting a smile on my face tonight….I have 3 of my own so far 1:3 have ever pooped in the tub…time will only tell until my little guy lets one go!

  11. this made me laugh out loud! i have 2 kids – my eldest has done this to me a few times, i’m hoping my little girl doesn’t follow in her brother’s footsteps!!

  12. OMG!!! I was not expecting that at all…I was thinking your post was gonna be all diy with the colors of brown! I (now gladly) do not have kids…you need to write a book because you have such a way with words. I had the complete visual in my head and everything! I am laughing so hard I now need to wipe the tears from pouring down my face! I can’t breathe I’m laughing so hard. I’m sorry, I do feel your pain. Moms sure do put up with a lot! Keep at it, I’ve heard motherhood is so rewarding! :-)

  13. Oh! how I can relate! I am the Mother of four children (all grown now) but ..aah the memories!! I remember the first times was quite similar to yours. My oldest daughter was in the tub and suddenly (but calmly) said to me, as I vaguely heard a “bloop” noise “Look! Poopies!” and she went on to try to catch them! (I thought she was passing gas, which THEY think is hysterically funny to see the bubbles). I, like you scooped, drained, and re-bathed her. Hubby also thought this to be hysterically funny until one day he had an incident happen to him, of a little different nature. “HIS SON” (guy thing-when they have their first son, they think they now have a little clone). Since the birth of our little MAN, I learned that when you change a boys diaper it is quite different than with a girl. You MUST keep that little fire hose covered at ALL times!!! (Example: he had sprayed the wall, three brand new outfits before I even got to put them on him once, and numerous changing pads. But! The best of all was (even after numerous warnings) when Daddy was changing his little man to go out. Both were going to wear their Sunday best, and Daddy proceeds to do a quick diaper change & dress him while I worked with Sister. Suddenly I hear Akk!! Come get YOUR son! (Gagging noises in the background)…Daddy’s LITTLE MAN had squirted Dad right in the face! He almost threw up! You don’t know what it took for me not to laugh out loud. I had to run and get my son and stifle the laughs and “I told ya so’s”. Evermore remembered: Kids can be fun, just keep an eye out for anything!

  14. Well… I hate to say it but, she’s now the princess of poo. (no joke, the commercial for Clorox where the little boy says ‘mommy I made poo poo!’ and the mom runs into the bathroom and looks in the toilet and says “Where?” and he points to the tub JUST came on as I started typing!)

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