I’m trying something new here and I think it’ll all start to come together for you guys as I step out and share some of the nitty gritty details of the past few years. I’ve alluded to a lot of changes, breakthrough, “new ways” of doing things, switching my thinking, my marriage, etc. It really has been a life overhaul. It’s time to swing wide this door and let you all in completely! Bear with me — this is long, but it’s a necessary share before I move forward with other fun and exciting things.
I’ve always believed in God and accepted Jesus as my Savior as a young girl, but I honestly never thought I was someone He was proud of or could use to do anything worthwhile. I had made a lot of mistakes, never felt like I could fully devote myself and my entire life to Him, mostly because I thought it would require me to move to a third world country, do something overtly ‘religious’, force-change something about my life I didn’t want to change, etc. It was all just too much pressure, I beat myself up and I never felt like I’d ever do enough good ‘stuff’, so I just did whatever the heck I wanted. And in that place, I also beat myself up because aren’t Christians supposed to act better than that? I couldn’t figure out how NOT to be unhappy, unhealthy, self-destructive, depressed, with no vision or purpose for my life outside being a mom. Still then, I didn’t feel like I was a particularly good mom and even though I was actually doing a lot of good things for my kids, the state of me on the inside was just a wreck. There was really no way I could even fathom pulling myself up and out of that dark hole I was living in.
A few years ago, something in me started stirring and that was just the simple desire to change. I didn’t know where to start, but I knew I wanted more. I had always heard God is Love, but I quite honestly didn’t even know that God. I believed He was loving (in theory), He was the Healer (for other people out there somewhere), and that Jesus died for my sins on the cross, but He and I didn’t have a relationship other than me throwing up a prayer now and then (which I didn’t think actually did anything). I thought He was so distant and impersonal. Like, I was one little bug out of billions of bugs who He never really paid that much attention to. And I believed He only helped those people who deserved being helped, meaning those who were better behaved than I had been. Sheeeeeesh, it was sad.
Long story short, I had a pretty awesome experience at a conference back in 2013 that was quite literally life-changing. This speaker, who is now my pastor, shed some much needed light on who God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit really are, what His still, small voice sounds like and what it doesn’t sound like — and it all started making sense to me. Things really started changing for me when I began really learning of His character and nature, eventually started hearing His voice more clearly in the middle of the chaos I was living. As soon as I realized that it was possible for someone normal like me to hear God’s voice as the Holy Spirit speaks to your spirit — as soon as I opened up to that, He started telling me how good and pure and lovely I am. I’m sure He was telling me all along, but my own loud, angry thoughts drowned out that truth. The God of the entire universe personally tells me how much He loves me — and He’s telling you too. He knows me. He knows how much pain I’ve been through and all the mess ups and He never saw me any differently than the day I got saved as a young girl. Yes, even after all the mistakes. After all the alcohol and pot. After the sex outside of marriage. After all the nights out at the club. He calls me pure and lovely. Talk about a wake up call to how God sees us, dang.
It finally clicked that the whole point of Jesus coming and dying for me was so that I would be spotless, that I would have a way to be close with the Father without worry of having to do ALL the religious fluffy stuff check off list yadda yadda. Jesus died and rose again to bridge that gap where it used to be impossible to keep the law and removed the pressure of having to be good enough or fit into a religious box. Simply believing in Jesus, it opens me up to be free of all that torment, of all that shame, anger toward myself, fear, all the mess. You’d think I’d know that, being a Christian my entire life, but I didn’t get it beyond the theory and what I had heard people say in church. I think it’s rare that Christians walk out their lives with full revelation that we are truly enough for the Lord where we are RIGHT NOW and that He’s proud of us and loves us unconditionally RIGHT NOW simply because we are His children. Christians are always trying to do more and be more because we think God expects us to be trying trying trying doing doing doing preaching preaching preaching and keeping gays from being gay. That’s not right, y’all. First, let Him do that work on you, loving on you, speaking to you, refining you from the inside out and then the things you do on the outside will just naturally get nicer over time. And the love we know from God will be the same love we pour out on those around us. We can’t fake that stuff, the real stuff. And we can’t expect to know how to love others until we know how purely and powerfully WE are loved by our Father.
It was a hard pill to swallow at first, that God loves me unconditionally, but that’s really when things shifted for me. He’s shaken up my terrible view of myself and has shown me more of who I really am. I’m not a terrible person… I was an incredibly wounded person who He’s mending and healing from the inside out. I’m still the same Morgan I’ve always been, but just getting more refined. I thought life would be boring this way and like I’d be a religious clone if I fully surrendered my life — not so! Junk has been moving out of the way so I can actually be the real me. The more I let His voice of truth speak to me, the more I wake up to who I was truly created to be. And that is where things are getting awesomer and awesomer. Yes, I’m pretending that’s a real word. ;). Dreams I had as a child started reawakening. Giftings started coming out that I never believed I could have… I mean, there’s a lot. I’ll share more in the coming days, but that’s just on a personal level. My entire family has undergone a transformation and it’s just incredible. The point of this whole post is this: Knowing how much God loves you will change you!
So with that history put out there, I’m going to begin a new series about healing and it’s going to seriously rock your socks off at how amazing our God is. He really IS our Healer and I’m going to be sharing personal testimonies of how the Lord has been doing miraculous stuff around here. It’s true, friends and it’s for you too! I believe many people are going to start seeing the Lord’s power like they never thought possible. He loves YOU and your spouse and your children and He wants you well. I can’t wait to tell you about it all. But let’s end this novel of a post here.
I love you all. Thanks for sticking with me! It’s just getting better and better.