Phantom Baby Kicks

Earlier today I was sitting at a stop light, listening to the radio and fixing my lip gloss. All of a sudden I felt something straight up MOVE in my belly. For a few seconds I panicked, trying to remember if I took my birth control, when my last period was, etc.  I knew there was no possible way I could be pregnant. You have to be, what? 4 months along to feel your baby kick?

But WHAT THE HECK was that?

Every so often I get that same feeling that makes me stop dead in my tracks and have a mini freak out session. I’ve had this discussion with some of my mom friends and they all seem to have experienced the Phantom Baby Kicks.

We know it’s just gas… but seriously? We ALL have gas that is so powerful it feels like a baby is kicking? Come on. Something else has to be going on here.

If not, that’s just plain gross/slightly badass.

Last week I thought I was pregnant.

I’ve had two legitimate pregnancy scares since I’ve had Madeline. The first was at my 6 week postpartum appointment. The nurse measured my height, took my weight and asked some pretty general questions.

Nurse: So, how are things going Mom?

Me: Great!

Nurse: Are you breastfeeding?

Me: Yes.

Nurse: Have you had sexual intercourse since giving birth?

Me: ……………………………yesssss.

Nurse: Okay, let’s get a urine sample.

Me: Okay– wait, WHAT? O_O

Off she skipped, leaving me to my thoughts and that dreaded little plastic cup.  After waiting forty-five minutes for my results to come back, I had pretty much worked myself up into a tizzy. By the time she came back in, I had mentally come full circle: OMG, she just took a urine sample. That means I could be pregnant, again! GOD, HELP ME. Madeline is 6 weeks old, so that means I’ll have two kids under a year old at the same time. WHAT. AM. I. DOING? I’ll have to quit work, get a double stroller, move into a bigger place and I’ll eventually need a boob job, no doubt. Well, that part’s not so bad. And actually, new babies are cuddly, sweet and smell flipping good. Awww, I wonder if it’ll be a boy this time. No, I don’t think I can handle a wiener. I think I want another girl – a little sister for Maddie. Ahhh, they are going to have so much fun shopping together when they’re older! Maddie and… gosh, I need another name. Another ‘M’ name, or is that too cheesy? Maybe a ‘J’, after Justin this time. Wait, what the heck am I thinking?! I CAN’T BE PREGNANT AGAIN… I will DIE.

Needless to say I wasn’t pregnant back in January, but last Thursday I went through a similar thought process when I realized I was a full week late. This time, I shared my possible exciting news with Stephanie, who proceeded to spend the rest of the afternoon showing me pictures of her adorable new brother and sister. Torture! By 5:00, I was actually looking forward to going home and taking a pregnancy test. I had 2 sets of first & middle names and a few options for nursery decor picked out. Pro.

Well, I’m definitely not pregnant. Ah, the wonders of nature. At least now I know if it does happen by accident, I’m not going to die. I might even be happy about it. :)