How to Get Killed by a Pregnant Lady

HEY! Read this first.

Now that I am pregnant again, I feel free to say that expectant mothers are some of the most difficult people on the planet. I was the first time around and I am starting to see the signs again. There are a few happy-sparkle-rainbow moms that don’t fit into this category (though, I’ve only met one or two), but usually we are pretty hard to please. It’s not ALL our fault though!

Let me explain…

You’ve heard over and over how you are NEVER, under any circumstances, supposed to comment on a pregnant woman’s size/weight/shape. Even though the commenter may be well-meaning, pregnant ladies are hardly ever okay with what is said.

Example 1:

Well-meaning person: Wow, you’re really showing!

Pregnant lady: Bitch just called me fat.

(Pregnant women think in cuss words, whether they say it or not. Didn’t you know? We’re pretty hostile.)

Example 2:

Well-meaning person: You’re carrying reaaaally wide! Must be a girl!

Pregnant lady: And you must be carrying three.

(Way harsh, Tai.)

Example 3:

Well-meaning person: You’re glowing!

Pregnant lady: RUDE! She just pointed out how sweaty I am!

Example 4:

Well-meaning person: YOU’RE DRINKING COFFEE/HAVING A HOME BIRTH/EATING SUGAR/WEARING HIGH HEELS!? DON’T YOU KNOW YOU’RE KILLING YOUR BABY!?! LET ME PUSH ALL MY BELIEFS ON YOU EVEN THOUGH I’VE NEVER HAD A KID OF MY OWN & SCARE THE CRAP OUT OF YOU IN THE PROCESS!

Pregnant lady: (We usually just cry at this point.)

My point is, we’re really touchy. To the people who mean no harm and are only trying to say how cute we look, I’m really sorry. These hormonies make us sort of out of control, but we really can’t help it.

To be safe, you can always just tell us we look pretty. Ladies always want to look pretty, whether we have a bowling ball belly or not. If you stray from my advice, I am not responsible for what happens to you at the hand of that pregnant person.

You’re in that girl’s territory now.

Music for the Bipolar

I’m a little nuts sometimes, I’ll admit. My mood swings are frequent, unpredictable and can be quite intense.

The cops took me down to the station once for punching a dude in the face because he cut me in line at Starbucks.  Okay, that’s a lie. But I did run a lady off the road for driving insanely too slow and making me late to work. She was hurt real bad too. Spinal injury, broken bones and yyyyyeah… that’s not true either. My point is I’ve thought about doing some pretty crazy and violent things when really, there’s not much of a reason to get angry in the first place. (Also, I’m a really horrible liar.)

Basically, I’m original Hulk minus green face, plus cuteness.

hulk

Here is a handful of Hulk-mood-swing-inducing scenarios I’ve encountered today:

  1. When I’m deprived of a meal I was looking forward to due to a change of plans (Thai and Japanese in particular)
  2. When my favorite pen is stolen from my desk
  3. When I go back to the store to buy That Dress that’s finally on sale, but seeing that all the other B’s who wear Mediums snatched them up already.
  4. When I am told I have a chin like Drew Barrymore (yes, she’s cute, but you’d lead a bitter life too if you were known by your chin.)

I tend to get The Swings pretty bad and the one thing I’ve found that helps me cope is angry white boy music. It’s like a sweet, sweet lullaby to my angry, violent ears. I’ll turn on a little Korn and I’m like, “RAGE RAGE RAGE!” for 4 minutes then I’m all, “Okay cool, over it. Sorry I almost punched you, slow old lady driver.”, eat my feelings with some mint chip and go on with my day.

How do you deal with your anger issues? (Just tell me you have anger issues, even if you don’t.)