What I should have learned from Jessie Spano

I wasn’t quite old enough to watch Saved by the Bell during it’s original run and instead caught all the reruns on TBS. I watched, I studied, I connected. Okay, not really. Even 10 year old me realized how ridiculous some of the messages were, especially when it came to miss perfectionist, Jessie Spano. That girl was ca-ra-zay.

JessieSpanoExcited

Remember when Jessie was studying for the SATs and started popping those little red caffeine pills so she could stay up all night and get a better score? Then she ended up missing her girl band’s big debut at The Max? Then Screech stood in for her and we were all, No. This is a girl band, you do not belong here?

Then you also might remember how that episode was laden with thong leotards, cheesy song lyrics and one very unnecessary freak-out, courtesy of Miss Perfect.

I never truly understood how the caffeine pills caused her to freak out like she was on crack. Little me was watching and going, “Umm. It’s just caffeine. Grow a pair.” That was Mistake #1: Never, ever question Saved by the Bell’s teachings.

It wasn’t until I tried the energy drink straight out of Satan’s fridge, Redline, that I became a believer in The Unnecessary Freak Out.

Redline-Drink-from-Hell

DON’T FALL FOR THESE LIES. Mistake #2: Thinking you will be sexy and happy and popular if you drink an entire can of Redline at once. You will bounce of walls, spin in circles and speak in complete gibberish for no less than 4 hours if you do. Then you will lay in a coma-like state, sprawled out on your floor in a puddle of your own drool.

Don’t let this happen to you.

Little blondie Zack Morris was so sweet and comforting in Jessie’s time of need, bless his heart. I could have used a friend like that during my Redline crack-out.

Hot Sundae Jesse Smize

Jessie had so much potential. Does anyone know if she ever got into Stanford?

Save me from myself

Day 1 of my attempt at kicking the caffeine habit:

Replacing my usual morning latte with something a bit more healthy and energizing makes sense, in theory… But guess what?

IT’S NOT WORKING OUT SO WELL.

Now I’m just bugged that I spent almost $5.00 on this thing that didn’t do anything but hype up my baby and make her kick me repeatedly in the left lung.  Want to know the weird thing?  Caffeine doesn’t make her do that — she’s usually all mellow and loving life and keeps her little feet to herself after I have some coffee.  Is it wrong that I’ve turned my daughter into a junkie?  Yeah, maybe.

Sorry for the poor quality… but you get the picture, right?

Has anyone successfully kicked their caffeine addiction?  Fill me in! My lungs thank you in advance.