How to Get Killed by a Pregnant Lady

HEY! Read this first.

Now that I am pregnant again, I feel free to say that expectant mothers are some of the most difficult people on the planet. I was the first time around and I am starting to see the signs again. There are a few happy-sparkle-rainbow moms that don’t fit into this category (though, I’ve only met one or two), but usually we are pretty hard to please. It’s not ALL our fault though!

Let me explain…

You’ve heard over and over how you are NEVER, under any circumstances, supposed to comment on a pregnant woman’s size/weight/shape. Even though the commenter may be well-meaning, pregnant ladies are hardly ever okay with what is said.

Example 1:

Well-meaning person: Wow, you’re really showing!

Pregnant lady: Bitch just called me fat.

(Pregnant women think in cuss words, whether they say it or not. Didn’t you know? We’re pretty hostile.)

Example 2:

Well-meaning person: You’re carrying reaaaally wide! Must be a girl!

Pregnant lady: And you must be carrying three.

(Way harsh, Tai.)

Example 3:

Well-meaning person: You’re glowing!

Pregnant lady: RUDE! She just pointed out how sweaty I am!

Example 4:

Well-meaning person: YOU’RE DRINKING COFFEE/HAVING A HOME BIRTH/EATING SUGAR/WEARING HIGH HEELS!? DON’T YOU KNOW YOU’RE KILLING YOUR BABY!?! LET ME PUSH ALL MY BELIEFS ON YOU EVEN THOUGH I’VE NEVER HAD A KID OF MY OWN & SCARE THE CRAP OUT OF YOU IN THE PROCESS!

Pregnant lady: (We usually just cry at this point.)

My point is, we’re really touchy. To the people who mean no harm and are only trying to say how cute we look, I’m really sorry. These hormonies make us sort of out of control, but we really can’t help it.

To be safe, you can always just tell us we look pretty. Ladies always want to look pretty, whether we have a bowling ball belly or not. If you stray from my advice, I am not responsible for what happens to you at the hand of that pregnant person.

You’re in that girl’s territory now.