Just watched The Hills; may have the clap.

Whoa guys. WHOA, I say. The last twenty-something minutes of my life have been ripped from my fingertips and doused in self-tanner by a gaggle of big booby hoes. I just watched my first episode of The Hills in 3 years and let me tell you, it was quite the experience.

I know… honestly, what could I have possibly been doing in my life that was sooooo much more important than keeping up with this golden nugget of reality goodness!?

(I winced/shuddered my way through the entire thing.)

Anyway, a little bit has changed since my last visit with these wonderful people and to be perfectly honest, those changes freaking terrify me.

Exhibit A:  Spencer and his crystals

Exhibit B: Heidi, with her — well, we all know by now.

Exhibit C: No Lauren

Exhibit C: Ryan Cabrera?!? What are you doing here?

I have to admit, I used to want to possibly marry him one day. That was before the Criss Angel makeover. Moving on.

It only took me a few minutes of watching the show to realize what the biggest and most horrific change was…

Kristen.

You know what I noticed? Kristin Cavallari is freaking TERRIFYING. The chick was on the screen for about 45 seconds before she yelled in some girl’s face and proclaimed herself a bitch. Then it went to commercial and they showed a clip from next week where Kristen screams at another girl and says, “DON’T TOUCH ME!!”  I’m sorry, but that’s shady behavior. That sort of thing would make me cry actual tears if I ever came in contact with it. Then I’d proceed to bathe in antibacterial because let’s be real, we don’t know where this chick has been.

Also, I haven’t actually heard her voice since Laguna Beach when she was like 17, but I will say that I never thought simultaneously sounding like an 80-year old chain smoker AND a valley girl was possible. The girl pulls it off though.

Well, Hills. That was eye-opening. Let’s try it again next week, as long as Kirsten promises not to make me cry or give me the clap.

Be sure to check out oh hay, it’s kk and read her hilarious “I watch The Hills so you don’t have to” recap posts. She’s a riot.