What I should have learned from Jessie Spano

I wasn’t quite old enough to watch Saved by the Bell during it’s original run and instead caught all the reruns on TBS. I watched, I studied, I connected. Okay, not really. Even 10 year old me realized how ridiculous some of the messages were, especially when it came to miss perfectionist, Jessie Spano. That girl was ca-ra-zay.

JessieSpanoExcited

Remember when Jessie was studying for the SATs and started popping those little red caffeine pills so she could stay up all night and get a better score? Then she ended up missing her girl band’s big debut at The Max? Then Screech stood in for her and we were all, No. This is a girl band, you do not belong here?

Then you also might remember how that episode was laden with thong leotards, cheesy song lyrics and one very unnecessary freak-out, courtesy of Miss Perfect.

I never truly understood how the caffeine pills caused her to freak out like she was on crack. Little me was watching and going, “Umm. It’s just caffeine. Grow a pair.” That was Mistake #1: Never, ever question Saved by the Bell’s teachings.

It wasn’t until I tried the energy drink straight out of Satan’s fridge, Redline, that I became a believer in The Unnecessary Freak Out.

Redline-Drink-from-Hell

DON’T FALL FOR THESE LIES. Mistake #2: Thinking you will be sexy and happy and popular if you drink an entire can of Redline at once. You will bounce of walls, spin in circles and speak in complete gibberish for no less than 4 hours if you do. Then you will lay in a coma-like state, sprawled out on your floor in a puddle of your own drool.

Don’t let this happen to you.

Little blondie Zack Morris was so sweet and comforting in Jessie’s time of need, bless his heart. I could have used a friend like that during my Redline crack-out.

Hot Sundae Jesse Smize

Jessie had so much potential. Does anyone know if she ever got into Stanford?

Things I didn’t realize before I had a kid

  • The power of cheerios. Those things can keep a kid quiet and entertained for as long as the supply in your diaper bag lasts.
  • Sleeping in? BAHAHAHAHA… oh, that’s a good one.
  • From the moment you become a parent you automatically possess the ability to stumble out of bed at 3am and change a crying baby’s dirty diaper at a speed so lightning fast, sometimes you can’t even remember doing it the next morning.
  • Carrots, sweet potatoes and peaches will turn your baby’s nose orange.
  • How packing a diaper bag every day gets really, really old, but it eventually becomes one of those things you can do in your sleep.
  • It isn’t possible to be both lazy and a good parent.
  • Censoring bad words is an art, and one that takes quite a long time to master.
  • Your tolerance for people who waste your time will EVAPORATE.
  • You will get pooped on and somehow still want to kiss the person who did it.