A little ranty rant about post-pregnancy chub. Feel free to tell me to simmer down now.

I should be working out right now.

That phrase is pounding in my head any time I find myself with a minute to spare. Right now the kids are both taking a nap and this hour and a half of pure silence and bliss is pretty much the only opportunity I have to do whateva I wawnt. Do I take a nap? Mop the floor? Write a blog post? Well, if you could see the bags under my eyes and the state of my kitchen floor, you’d get a pretty good idea of which things I’ve been neglecting. You already know this blog hasn’t been feeling the love lately. I’m sorry, blog. You’re my redheaded step child. The thing I usually choose to do during this time is exercise.

Remember how I told you about the postpartum depression thing and how it made me all weird and zombie-mode and like, skinny? Good news! I don’t have that problem this time! I’m not skinny at all! Don’t get me wrong here, I’ve actually been feeling quite amazing the past few weeks and I’m so thankful I’m not going through that awfulness again. It’s been a completely different deal this time. The best word I can use to describe it is relaxed. The same drama is here again, but I just haven’t let it bother me. So yes, I’m enjoying every minute with this little guy and his sweet big sister and I wouldn’t change a thing about my life right now.

EXCEPT!

I have some excess chub. Okay, a lot of excess chub. I’m making an effort to be positive and kind to myself (hug a tree and sing Kumbaya with me) by not using the F word even though that’s how I really feel. For some reason I had it in my head that eating nachos every day of my pregnancy wouldn’t do my body any harm because, ‘Eh. It’s only 50 pounds. I lost that in 3 months before! Neener.”  Umm. Someone hand me my brass knuckles so I can punch skinny me in the head.

I clearly fell into the trap of eating poorly during the last year and am having a harder time getting rid of the extra pounds than I’d like. I know I sound crazy because it’s been 5 weeks since I had Jack. I KNOW. I’m eating healthy, exercising daily, drinking a crap ton of water and still. Nothing’s happeniiiiiiing.

Being relaxed and content is a very fine trade for PPD and I wouldn’t go back there if you gave me all the cute shoes in the world. It’s just a little discouraging, that’s all.

(My chubby ankles wouldn’t look good in those shoes anyway.)

(KIDDING.)

 

Baby #2 – Thirty Six Weeks

9 months pregnant!

Well, what you see above is the last bathroom photo shoot picture EVER because today was my last day! It was a bit sad because I love my bosses so much and have really been blessed at that job, but now I can finally say I am a stay at home mom! *Irish jig*

Want to know how my first official afternoon at home with Maddie went? I ate chips and then slept for like, 3 hours. Needless to say, we’ll be working on some things. :)

By the way, I was so blown away by all the incredibly sweet feedback on this post from a few weeks ago. You have all been such an encouragement to me and it really has meant the world. If I happen to have any more problems with PPD or need advice of any sort, I know I have an amazing support group to turn to. I’m so thankful for you all!

On becoming a Stay at Home Mom

I’ve kept it pretty quiet in the past few months, but I figured that since I told my boss that I won’t be coming back to work after Jack’s born, I might as well tell you all as well! The plan is for me to stay home full time with my babies and I couldn’t be more thrilled. Those who are close to me know what a huge deal it is to me and how incredibly excited I am that we’re going to be able to make it work.

Two years ago I was on maternity leave with Madeline and I was a mess… a serious, hot mess. I was pretty good at faking the whole I’ve been a mom for 3 whole days and I wear high heels while cooking 5 course meals with a full face of makeup and I never cry and totally have it all under control thing… at least to the people who didn’t actually see me in person every day. The truth of it is that I was totally NOT okay at all, whatsoever, in the least, amen.

The super quick weight loss I talked about on this blog and chalked up to breastfeeding was really due to a horrible bout of postpartum depression that stretched on much longer than it should have. I had such an unnecessary and awful emotional experience immediately following Maddie’s birth that it only made it easier for the depression to cling on to me and not let go. I haven’t really gone into that side of the birth story on this blog so much, but it was truly horrible. I felt like the joy of giving birth and celebrating our new beautiful daughter was robbed from Justin and I in the midst of all this drama. That special day came ONCE, it was turned into something ugly and ridiculous, and we’re never getting it back. I still struggle with that every day.

Fakest smile ever. And yes, I just made 'fakest' a word.

So, going back to work after a whirlwind and drama-filled maternity leave was not an easy thing to do. My mind was nowhere near where it should have been. I didn’t realize what was happening to me at the time, I just felt completely overwhelmed, weepy, stressed and that my life was completely out of my control. The guilt of having to leave Maddie at daycare all week while having to work was the worst part of it, but there was really no other option for us at the time, being that 2009 was not an easy year for us money-wise.

Man, I missed my baby. She was all I thought about while the hours ticked by during the slow days at the office. All I wanted was to be able to stay home with her and just be her mama. I wanted to make up for that lost time and for that bad experience when she was born, but I had to keep working. I know there are women who are amazing at doing it all on top of working full-time and they seem to truly enjoy it, but I am not one of them. I don’t feel like I’m truly cut out for it.

I know this is quite an emo post, but I think it’s an okay time for me to finally share it and I hope it’s received well. I want everyone to know that I’m not attacking either side — the working moms or the stay at home moms — I just know what I can handle and wanted to be honest about that.

Emo stuff aside… I am so excited about this, you guys. SO EXCITED. This time will be better. I won’t be missing out on any more time with Maddie and I get to enjoy every day with my son from the very beginning. I’m only slightly nervous about how much work it’s going to be to handle two kids all day by myself, but I’m ready to do this.