Oh, the Joys of Jiggly Jugs and other Silly Stories

(this is not a Dr. Seuss book, just to clear that one up.)

On Tuesday night I was catching up with my hairdresser after not seeing her for a year and a half. The girl is adorable and hilarious and is the only one I trust in the world to bring me back to blonde (did I mention that? I’m going blonde again?).

Anyway, two minutes into our conversation we realized that we both had baby girls within the past few months. Craziness. After 2 hours of laughing about all the things people so conveniently forget to tell you about being a mom and breastfeeding, I left feeling like I finally found someone who got it. I also felt a need to share these things with all of you, since a few of you have mentioned the baby fever that has been attacking your uteri (no need to Google it… I already checked,  haha).

Things I Wish I Knew Three Months Ago

  • When your milk doesn’t come in right after your kid pops out, don’t freak. When it does come in, again, DON’T FREAK. They will be huge. They will be hard. They will hurt like a mofo. It gets easier after about 3 days.
  • Nip carnage will ensue. Keep a large stash of Lansinoh and slather that stuff on at least 300 times a day. You’ll want to keep those puppies in working order for those 10-12 feedings a day. MUAHAHAHAAAA YOU WILL HAVE NO TIME FOR ANYTHING ELSE BUT YOUR STARVING BARRACUDA BABY! CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP OWW.
  • When you are running late, sometimes you are forced to multitask. Examples include feeding your baby while endorsing paychecks, putting on eyeliner or eating pancakes, all of which provide a hilarious, yet disturbing visual for your husband. Note: Keep cameras hidden.
  • Do not assume the loud “REEE-OOOO, REEE-OOOO” of your breastpump will keep random people from barging in on you with your jubblies exposed. I’m telling you, pumping at work will be the death of me. I’m not kidding when I say I was walked in on 4 times my first week back because I don’t have a lock. Mortified? A little bit. Make a sign… a big one.
  • Get a great, massive, supportive bra. After each of those 10-12 feedings (muahaha…), your ladies are a slightly… less firm than usual, and a little thing I like to call The Bounce Factor comes into play. It draws attention (the awkward kind) if you don’t have them firmly strapped in.
  • Tell your husband ahead of time to be prepared to be a big boy and share for a few months. You know what I’m talking about.
  • Also prepare the men in your life for bottle feeding. I say ‘men’ because most women know this if they have gone through it. Be perfectly clear that under no circumstance is it acceptable to dump an ounce or two of perfectly good milk down the drain! My heart hurts as I am reliving those few times where Madeline didn’t drink the whole bottle, and the remaining milk was dumped. Fellow pumpers, you know how much work that one ounce was, right? That was like 10 minutes worth! Write it in permanent marker on the bottles if you have to.

Do you all have anything to add?  Have any warnings for me as my girl is nearing the 3 month mark?