My Pathetic Tanning Bed Curse

I knew when I walked into that tanning salon I was making a huge mistake, but I went ahead and did it anyway. Earlier that day I had mentioned to a few of my friends that I was thinking about going again and knowing that I am a recovering tanning addict, most of them told me the same thing… Don’t do it, girl.

The common recommendation was to just use a self tanner to get a nice subtle and healthy glow instead, but this whitey wasn’t having any of that.  I didn’t need subtle. I needed The Browns

Okay okay, before you go thinking any little judgy things, let me make it clear that I’m not exactly yearning to be one of these:

via Stop Making That Duckface

via Stop Making That Duckface

Those are not The Browns. Those are The Oompas.

All I wanted was a nice little base tan before I start busting out the skirts and dresses. No one wants to see these blindingly white legs in their raw, natural state. You would all run screaming for the hills if you got a glimpse of these bad boys.

Anyway, as I sit here 16 hours after walking out of that satan salon, I kind of want to give myself a “subtle and healthy” slap to the face. Except that’s probably not the best idea in the world due to the fact that my face is currently the lovely shade of lobster from the agonizing burn of the artificial sun. IT HURTS!

Want to know the most pathetic part?

I’m sitting here typing with my arms lifted up off the table and my elbows floating up in the air because it hurts to let my arms sit at my sides. Know why? Because my freaking armpits are burned too. Ask me how that happened and I’ll tell you it’s because I am a pro and know how to lay in those beds without getting tan lines. Except this time my tanning bed skills came back to bite me.

I look completely ridiculous and my coworkers are starting to notice. One just asked me why I was so grumpy this morning. I said, “Because my pits burn.”

Want to know the most pathetic part, #2?

This salon started me out in a 20 minute tanning bed at the standard 6 minutes for the first session. Because of how fair complected (read: albino) I happen to be, those standard six minutes were all it took to turn me into Lobster. That’s Justin’s new nickname for me. Sweet, isn’t it? *cries*

And the most ironic part?

I put one of those heart stickers on my hip to show the progression of my tan. I know that’s kind of a slutty thing to do, but don’t judge… I like to see results.

After one session, it looks like this:

Do you see how the heart mocks me in all it’s untouched, pasty white glory? Every time I look down it says to me, “Your whole body used to be painless and pure like me, stupid Lobster.” That little white patch is cruel, I’m telling you. The blistering red skin surrounding it serves as a reminder to listen to my smart self-tanned friends next time they warn me about these types of dangers.

In conclusion (because this is turning into a really long essay-type thing), burning red skin happens to be the color of the devil and I think they should start making those little heart stickers with horns. It would be more accurate seeing as artificial sunburns do NOT equal love. They equal devil.

Making Time for the Little Luxuries

As a new mom, I’m finding that my beauty routine has changed a bit. Even up until the day Madeline was born, I was (I’ll admit) quite the diva. So much has changed, being that time and funds are more limited nowadays.

Now, the things I would have accomplished without batting an eyelash are falling by the wayside. Things like bubble baths, curling my hair, and even shaving my legs (horrid, I know). Professional pedicures, where I used to spend $30 every two weeks, are few and far between. Tanning was a daily addiction, getting highlights every 5-6 weeks was a must, and I can’t forget how relaxing it was to get those massages.

Looking back, most of those little luxuries were pretty costly and unnecessary for me… to a point.

I know bottle blondes really do NEED highlights that often or else you start looking skunky and cracked out. I’ve been there. You might remember when I recently and very briefly made the switch back to blonde. Though I loved it so, the upkeep just wasn’t realistic for me at this time in my life. So back to low maintenance brunette I went, and I’m kind of loving it more than the blonde.

Tanning, well, I still love it despite all the damage it does. But I’m having a really hard time justifying spending $40+ for a month when I could just go outside and use the sun for free. Slathering on a little bit of self-tanner works just as well (and more quickly).

Pedicures on the other hand… I just can’t part with them. When we have the extra money to splurge a bit, the nail salon is the first place I’ll go. When we don’t have the extra money, I do what I happen to be doing right this second… soak my feet in a tub and paint my nails myself.

I never wanted to be the mom who made excuses for why her appearance went downhill, but now I can sort of understand it all. Babies have a way of sucking up your energy. Making time for the little things that make you feel relaxed and beautiful is still very important, you just have to work on finding new ways to make it happen.

What is the one thing in your beauty routine that makes you feel the most beautiful? What luxuries do you splurge on? Is there anything you absolutely can’t live without?

I told you it’s the pedicures with me… crusty feet have never been my thing. Do share!