An entirely too long post about how my kids don’t sleep, ever.

How exactly is one supposed to get sleep with a toddler and an infant? Aren’t kids supposed to sleep, like 20 hours a day or something? I swear I heard that somewhere. Well it seriously seems like my kids are the two children in the entire universe who actually hate to sleep… and so naturally, they hate me.

When I was a kid, I slept all the time. Everywhere. In 12 hour blocks.

I looked through my mom’s photo albums today and found these three in under 2 minutes. There are at least 900 photos of me sleeping in various stages throughout my young life.

What an angel, right? I was my own dream kid, I’m telling you. If I had a child who loved sleeping and napping as much as I did, do you know how much I could accomplish? If Maddie’s nap time still existed on the regular, I could watch one of my DVR’d Kardashian shows. Or bake some cupcakes. Or perhaps I’d be able to sit down and write a post every day like I used to. What stupid stuff did I complain about back then? Getting burned at the tanning bed? I would give my left boob to be able to lay in a tanning bed for 12 minutes every day for the next month, and maybe even some of my right one as well. I wouldn’t even turn the bed on, I’d just rest there in peaceful silence. Ah, the days of napping yore.

These days, a typical morning for us goes something like this:

Jack wakes up at 5am with grunty little baby boy screams. I whisper frantically to him, “PLEAAAAAASE DON’T WAKE UP YOUR SISTER! Please please please!” I tiptoe past her bedroom door and peek in, then breathe a sigh of relief ¬†when I see I was able to get Jack back to sleep without awakening the beast from her slumber. I soon realize that my quiet sigh of relief was a fatal mistake. The beast’s supersonic hearing picked it up. Her eyes pop open as she’s laying there and I freeze in place. Maybe she’s like a T-Rex and won’t see me if I stand completely still?

“HI MOM! I WANT SOME CEREAL!”

(Note to self: she’s not a T-Rex.)

“Maddie, it’s still night time. Go back to sleeeeeeeep…” I speak in the faintest, calming tones, hoping to trick her into thinking I’m nice and that she likes me. Nice Mommy deserves to get back in bed for another hour.

“I waaaaaaaaaaaaant some CEEEEER. EEEE. ULLLLL!!!” The walls shake in response to her hulk rage.

(Nice Mommy deserves NOTHING, apparently.)

“Shh, honey. It’s not time for cereal. It’s time to go back to bed…”

And then from the other room, Jack’s grunts start. I keep Maddie quiet for a moment as I listen. Maybe he’ll fall back asleep. He calms down and everything goes quiet again.

“CEREAL!!!!!!!!!!”

Jack cries. So much for that. Might as well make some coffee.

This same scenario occurs at nap time every day as well, so I usually just give up and let Maddie lay on the couch and watch a movie for “quiet time” instead. Bed time? Well, I won’t even go into that. It’s 2 hours of pleading, bawling and there is much weeping and gnashing of teeth. And Maddie cries a little bit too.

Her other favorite thing to do is crawl into bed with us at some point during the night and just stare at us until we wake up. That is the most terrifying thing ever, waking up to your child’s face an inch away from yours while they smile maniacally.

Anyway, I know I’m Ranty Ranterson over here, I just miss my blessed sleep. Any idea how to make naps appealing to a two year old? I’ve tried everything. I even told her that Belle sleeps all the time and that’s why she has the energy to run through fields and sing and also why her skin is so radiant. I want radiant skin too, dang it. I just don’t think she bought that one.

P.S. Two of my friends, Nanette & Lisa, both have daughters Maddie’s age who seem to be having the same problem. Maybe it’s just a toddler thing?